


Through Your Innocent Soul

by Amora0819



Series: Through His Broken Mind [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Oblivious Draco Malfoy, Obsessive Harry, Pining Draco Malfoy, Possessive Harry, Sad Draco Malfoy, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:07:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 46,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25014436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amora0819/pseuds/Amora0819
Summary: Harry didn't read a lot. He only read enough to know that this person was in pain, that this person needed Harry and that this person was Draco Malfoy.Draco was glad Harry didn't read enough to know his true secrets, the ones that threaten to keep him locked up in a dungeon in the manor, the ones he would do anything to protect, even break Harry's heart.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Series: Through His Broken Mind [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1811185
Comments: 26
Kudos: 176
Collections: Finished faves





	1. I will Find You

**Author's Note:**

> Ok! First chapter to the first part of the series. I've already written a couple. I'll edit them and put them up. For those of you who have been waiting, this first part is going to be more teen-angsty and has to do with belonging and parents and first times and stuff. It still deals with major issues and mental health topics like the second part, but if you'd prefer a more out of school scene, you can just skip over to the second and third part. Enjoy!

**Part I**

_I've always read about these creatures muggle borns call 'sociopaths'. It's funny how one is considered less human for not having emotion, but more disciplined, elegant and 'in control' for not displaying it._

_I would say muggles are weird, but this isn't about them. It's about people in both worlds. The more I think of it, the more alike all of us are and I can't stop thinking about it. It drives me mad. I worry my father will find this journal and call me a blood traitor. Well... Wouldn't be the worst thing he's called me._

_Is it truly that bad to have this opinion? My father would call me a traitor for it. Muggles would call me an open-minded individual, although some of them may call me disloyal... It's so contradicting. It's so weird. But I am too._

_I guess I am just hoping to bid my time until it wouldn't matter if people start to find out about my beliefs. I am hoping I put on a good show in the meantime, be a good boy who never does anything wrong. I already have bruises left from the last time I disobeyed father. I don't need there to be more. They don't bother me anymore, though. They don't even hurt anymore. What hurts more is that no one cares. No knight in shining armor has come to rescue me like in the movies, because that's only the stuff for fiction. Still.. One can hope._

Harry couldn't help it. He really couldn't. He knew he shouldn't be reading these personal, tear-stained, thoughts, but it was as though he couldn't put the mysterious journal down. 

_**It's not like I am keeping it from the owner...** _

_**I don't know whose notebook this is.** _

_**When I find out I'll give it directly back to them and won't mention it again.** _

After the dementor attack on the quidditch field and him fainting yet again after hearing his mother's screams, Harry just wanted to be alone. And where was he about to achieve that if not in moaning Myrtle's bathroom? Apparently, someone else had had the same idea, but by the time Harry had calmed his breathing and exited the stall, this other person was gone. 

When he came across this black diary then, he couldn't help it. His mind started playing tricks on him. 

_**What if I never actually saved Ginny?** _

_**What if Riddle is back?** _

_**What if my mind made up the entire story just to protect from the fact that I failed and a madman is still out there?** _

_**That doesn't make sense, though.** _

_**I know I opened the chamber. I know I destroyed that diary, so why is it right here in front of me?** _

So, Harry took the diary and soon discovered it was a regular one that only resembled Riddle's. He would've just left it behind right then and there, but this mystery person seemed like he was looking into Harry's soul and writing out the words that Harry never dared speak. His ideas. His words. His past. Everything he wrote was just too close to home for Harry, so he kept it. It made him feel less alone, less of a freak as they always called him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Myrtle!" Draco yelled, storming into the ghosts bathroom without so much as knocking. 

"oohhh dracoooo. You shouldn't scare me like that!" exclaimed the ghost, then saw the panicked look on her friend's face and rushed over to him. "What's wrong?" 

"Please tell me you've seen it, Myrtle!" the blonde cried out, tugging at his sleeves and looking around the bathroom frantically. 

"What are you talking about?" 

"My notebook!" he told her loudly then saw her smile at him. 

_Don't smile!_

_Don't nod_

_Don't do anything but find it_

_If you start making fun of me, too, now, myrtle, I'll lose it. You're my only friend...please_

"I haven't seen your diary, Draco." 

"notebook!"

"Right. I haven't seen it. Perhaps you left it elsewhere?" 

Draco shook his head, panicked. 

_Why is she so calm?_

_If that notebook gets into the wrong hands, it'll all be over for me._

_I've never seen it and I never want to._

_But there's a reason every pureblood manor has a dungeon. I call it the 'in case of squibs not-safe-house.'_

_And it's not a fun place...._

"You know what's in there, myrtle! You know no one can see it! Please don't drive me crazy and just tell me if you've moved it." 

The ghost looked at the blonde as if he had just slapped her, which only angered him further. 

"What?!" he yelled as he crouched down next to the sinks to search for his book. 

"Ghosts can't move things, Draco." myrtle told him slowly as if speaking with a child, then let out a small sob at the reminder of her limited capabilities. 

The blonde slowly turned around to face her as if just realizing what he had said, then sighed and slumped, feeling terrible. 

"I am so sorry, myrtle." he told her, putting his face in his hands, "I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that you and I have become so close, that I sometimes forget-" 

"I know, Draco, I know." she told him, wiping away nonexistent tears and floating over to where the blonde was standing, then placing a hand over his shoulder in a gesture. 

The blonde sighed and let his hand linger over hers for a second then sat on the ground crossed legged. She joined him and listened intently. 

"Sorry. It's just the last time I said something even close to 'muggles should be treated as humans' father used the cane and my knee popped right out. Not to mention how he would react to the other things. I can't-" 

"I know, Draco. Perhaps you just have to look harder for the diary." 

"notebook" he gritted out. Myrtle rolled her eyes. 

"Yes, notebook." 

"I've simply looked everywhere for it! I don't know how I could be so stupid!" he wailed, then placed his face in his hands again. 

"It's going to be alright." Myrtle whispered and Draco gave her a sad smile, knowing nothing would be alright if the notebook made its way to his father's hands. He thanked Myrtle, then left the bathroom, looking paler than he had when he couldn't walk for three days straight because of that cane. He knew things could be and will be worse.. Way worse. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_I simply can't wait to get to hogwarts next month. Not that I particularly enjoy academics, but anywhere is better than this manor. I lay awake every night replaying the day's events, hoping against hope that I hadn't done or said anything to warrant a beating in the morning._

Harry's heart clenched at the words. He had never thought that there might be someone else who saw Hogwarts as a refuge. 

He had never told his friends about how bad things were at the Dursley's because.. Well how can he just bring something like that up? Harry remembered all too clearly all the reactions he had gotten from the other kids in his room the say his uncle had landed him in the hospital. 

The girl who had a broken leg actually looked at him and talked to him as if he were dying, like anything she might say might set him off, like she was only bearing his company out of obligation or pity. She beat herself up when he wasn't happy and was so quick to correct him when he suggested she was acting strangely. Harry would've sooner spent the rest of his stay in the bathroom than deal with her. The boy in the other bed didn't speak to Harry at all, but sneaked glances at him when he thought Harry wasn't paying attention. The nurses called him a survivor and said he should be proud, even if his uncle was covering it up. What the bloody hell was that? Proud? Of what? Getting hit and not breaking down? Sure that's nice, but what's nicer would be never to get hit at all.

They all just treated him like a freak, like he's always been treated and he could risk Hermione and Ron being that way. It would just destroy him. But this other person seemed to understand everything so well. 

Harry was just about to close the diary in frustration. He was nowhere near finding the mysterious owner and he was going to be late to class, but then his name caught his attention in the next entry and he simply couldn't put the notebook down now. He made his way to DADA, placing the notebook descretely behind a textbook to appear as if he was studying, then continued reading through class. 

_I wonder if Harry will be there. I know it's ridiculous that I am completely obsessed with a boy I never met, but I've never really had any true friends, some that wouldn't judge me, so I started to speak to him. I was careful not to be overheard. It's not like I am daft. I know he's not there, but it was nice having someone to talk to. Not because of him being the boy who lived. It was just... Harry got rid of the monsters under the bed, monsters like my father. Voldemort, who represented everything that was wrong with the world, would never have been stopped if it wasn't for Harry. That monster would've influenced more people, who would grow up to be violent, close-minded, terrible parents with no patience or mercy. I've read a lot about him, been told about him. He wasn't just a blood elitist. He hated everyone who wasn't deemed normal. He hated homosexuals, muggles, muggleborns, bastards, disabled people, squibs. Purity wasn't just a blood thing for him. I cannot imagine a world where every single kid grows up to fear their own shadow, like I do right now._

_Sometimes, I wish father would just get it over with at night, even break my bones if he must, but just finish it before I go to bed. Then, would I be able to rest peacefully? Or would I stay up worrying about the next day? I've exhausted all my options, including just hiding out in my room, because I seemed to forget that the room isn't truly mine. The room is in the manor. The manor is Father's, so the room is his as well, which apparently gave him permission to enter it whenever he pleases and do with me whatever he pleases. People think I have everything and maybe they are right, but that's not how I feel. I may be given the world's luxuries, but I own absolutely nothing. I am not an heir or a prince. I am another insignificant person in this big world. When I look at it that way, my problems don't seem so bad anymore._

_**Yes they are!** _

_**How could you think that?** _

_**I don't even know you and you're significant to me!** _

_It's terrible, but I can handle it. Perhaps others can't. It's not unheard of. Sure, parents cover it up, call it a 'tragic accident', but I know the signs of someone taking their own life and it would've been very common if Voldemort had survived. Harry saved everyone from my fate. I only hope that he is being taken care of, despite losing his parents. I only hope that he would want to be my friend, that he is nice and caring like I imagine him to be. Merlin knows, I could use a friend like him._

Harry was enraged by the end of the entry, but then caught Ron's puzzled look and hastily smiled. He was more determined than ever to make this person his friend now, whoever they were.

_**I will find you** _


	2. I would Care if you die

By the end of the week, Draco was cursing his failing magic for the millionth time. Had he been able to cast a simple charm on the book to prevent others from finding or reading it, this wouldn't have happened to him.

His thoughts were all over the place. He tried to remember everything he wrote in that blasted notebook, carefully laying out perfect lies to cover every topic. But, he had been writing in it since he was eight and he couldn't remember all the secrets the journal held, only the major ones. He decided that, if the worst does happen, he'll tell his father that the journal isn't even his.

_That will never work._

_I am such an diot!_

_He'll use vertiserum on me_

_And I'll confirm all his suspicions like the little idiot I am!_

_I have no choice._

_The second my father's letter arrives, I know what to do._

_At least, then, I'll be truly free._

_Could I really do it, though?_

_I know it's the only way, and I've always known it would come to this, but now?_

_So soon?_

_I-I haven't even... Told him, not that I ever will._

_But, it would be nice to see his face light up and him professing his love for me._

_If course, that will only happen in my dreams, but still, dreams are worth living for._

_And what about mother? Would she be upset? Would she even care?_

_And what about myrtle? Should I come back as a ghost to keep her company?_

_No. I've seen her suffer enough. Maybe I can arrange for her to have another friend. Anyone would be better than a spoiled brat crying about his problems all the time._

_Honestly, how does she put up with me?_

With a deep breathe, Draco started arranging his things. He supposed he had too many of everything. He didn't need so much. Why does mother keep insisting on sending him all of this? It just makes the other students feel bad and hate Draco. Draco would've given anything to be liked by any of them, especially that green-eyed git.

But no. They couldn't look past his broken attitude or him suspiciously disappearing or not wanting to hang out with them. He had four people who deemed him tolerable: Pansy, Blaise, Goyle, and Crabbe. Even they don't understand why Draco couldn't always just have fun and go to parties or meet girls or do anything normal really. Draco was always afraid.

Afraid he'd say the wrong thing and people would stare at him silently like his father's guests used to.

Terrified that he would get too close to someone who would just abandon him because of his three 'problems'.

Frightened that he would lose control of his tongue, spill a secret to a wrong person , and regret it forever.

It's a wonder he was able to trust Myrtle, even if he is planning on abandoning her soon. 

Just the thought of that brought him back to the same conclusion he often had: I am a terrible person. 

As he went through his stuff, he kept racking his brain, thinking about every single event of the past few days, wondering if anybody had been acting differently around him because they **knew**. He came up blank. So, he went to bed and settled himself in for another night of restless sleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
Harry discovered that his best friend had known the owner of the journal, but, for some reason, he didn't want to ask Ron about it. He just had a bad feelings about how their friendship turned out. If Rob and this person had still been friends, Harry would've known about him by now. Did he? Who did Ron hang out with? Who in the school had an elitist wealthy family and was introduced to Harry as Ron's friend? Nobody. Harry didn't have to ponder the issue too long. He tried not to wince at the fact that the journal now addressed him personally. It was all just... So sad. 

_It finally happened, Harry! I got a friend. I think he actually likes me! And he wouldn't judge me for my beliefs. His are similar. I can't believe it! His name is Ronald Weasley. I've heard of his family. Such a big family. I envied them so much, even though my father calls them a 'litter'. I don't care. I wish to have a litter of my own some day and I hope they turn out half as decent as Ron is._

Harry couldn't help himself. He smiled. The journal had been filled with so much pain up until then that Harry had even started dreading reading it, but he knew he had to find the owner no matter what. 

_It was after a particularly harsh session with my father. I really had tried my best this time. I had barely said anything up until pansy suggested we play house. It's my favorite game. It's ridiculous to start thinking about family now. I know that, but I can't help it. It's my ultimate goal. My father has high expectations of me in regards to career paths, but I don't want to work. I want to stay at home and raise my kids. I want them to know me and know my unconditional love for them, the way I never knew my father's. I want to build forts with them and make them food and hold them when they are upset. I want to be everything for my kids. Why doesn't father understand that?_

_Anyways, it was going well until then, but I didn't want to be a 'kid' in the house and Blaise really wanted to be a parent, so I suggested he and I be the parents and Goyle and Pansy be the kids. Then, all hell broke lose. Well, not literally. There wasn't chaos. There wasn't yelling or arguing. There was nothing. Everyone went silent and awkward. I suppose that's even worse than having an argument._

_I didn't understand what I had said wrong. I really didn't. It wasn't unheard of. My secret stash of muggle books sometimes had couples who were both boys or both girls. And the many potion books I had snuck from Father's library had fertility potions so a male wizard could conceive. I know it sounds stupid, but I had been so happy at the idea of me carrying my own child, feeling them inside me, growing and developing. Knowing them from the moment of conception and having that maternal connection with them. Apparently, no purebloods shared my beliefs or wishes. Nothing new there._

_I just knew the moment everyone went silent that I had messed up again. I didn't know how or why and I wanted to claw my own eyes out at my stupidity. I shouldn't have spoken. Speaking only gets me in trouble. Speaking only makes everyone uncomfortable. Speaking is bad. Speaking is bad. I excused myself to the loo and, on the way, had seen father give me that glare that said 'I know everything'._

_I knew right there and then that I was going to get beaten to a plup the next morning. I can't really explain what I did afterwards. It was like I didn't have control of my legs. I ran and ran and ran, tears streaming down my face. All I kept thinking about was how stupid I am and how I can't do anything right. Until I reached some sort of house somewhere. I saw many redheads of different ages gathered around a table. They were all laughing and looked so... Happy. I couldn't help it. I stayed put, imagining what it would be like to do that with my family some day and I would make sure anything my kids say be responded to and respected. Their opinions would be respected. **They** would be respected, no matter how old they are. _

_With a smile on my face, I started to turn around, only to see Ron starting at me. He asked me if I was alright and I... Just broke down. I was fine a second earlier, but no one had ever asked me if I was alright before and it got to me. I told him everything and I thought he would say I was overreacting or call me disgusting for saying such things, but when I looked up, he was smiling and started to hug me. We spoke for hours, but I refused to go into his house, least I say something else wrong in front of his fa_ _mily and lose my new best friend. I left him with a goodbye and a promise to owl_

_**Did this person's father find out?** _

_**Did he stop the writer from writing to Ron?** _

Harry knew Ron's family wasn't big among traditional purebloods and nothing good could've come from the writer's father finding out. He had to know what happened next, so he kept reading well past bed time, but there was another thought at the back of his mind that he couldn't get rid of.

"Hey Ron?" he called out to his friend, who was sprawled across the adjacent mattress. The redhead only groaned in response. "Did you have another friend right before hogwarts? Like someone from a pureblood family perhaps?"

Ron laughed.

"If course I did, Harry. There's Charlie, Bill, Fred, George, Ginny, Percy, mother, and-"

"Knock it off, mate! I am serious."

"Ohhh. You're serious. Alright. Well, if you must know, Parkinson and I had a secret love affair at age 11 and Zabini, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and I all went gulfing together on occasion. I was also pretty tight with all their dads considering I am of 'the right sort'."

The bitterness in Ron's voice at the last three words told Harry he was crossing some sort of line into rage territory. He faked a laugh to fill in the awkward silence, then murmured "right. Was just wondering" and went back to the notebook. The next page was tear-stained and Harry's suspicions were immediately confirmed. 

_I am so sorry, Harry! I am sorry I've been ignoring you for the last few days. I hadn't forgotten, but it was just so wonderful having someone real to talk to and you just.. Weren't. Nevertheless, I shouldn't have left you. If you were real, I am sure you would've left me by now or only hung around out of social protocol. That's what everyone else has been doing. Ron wasn't any different. I was so stupid to expect otherwise! And, as always, it was my fault. It was just another day in diagon alley. I had snuck away to meet him and while we were walking he stopped to look at a quill he really liked and when I asked him why he doesn't get it, he shrugged me off. I thought it would be nice to get it for him, but, at the end of the day, when I presented it to him in a gift box, he stared at me like I had stabbed him in the chest, then shoved the present out of my hands and yelled at me. He said that I am a wanker who gets off on humiliating people who have less money than he does. I don't even know what that means! I just wanted to do something nice for him! Why was he so upset with me, Harry? Why? Am I really that intolerable?? Well... Now I know for sure that you're the only friend I'll ever have and maybe that's enough._

Harry glared at his best friend, even though Ron was fast asleep. Did he know how much his rejection had hurt this person? Did he even care? Why was everyone treating this sweet child like that? Surely, he couldn't be that horrible? He hadn't even done anything wrong! 

Harry got his answer on the next page. The page that broke his heart then stomped all over it. He was in the library 'studying' with Ron and Hermione, when he reached that dreaded page. It was tear-stained and marked with...blood. 

_I don't even know why I am writing in this thing anymore. It's not working. It did at first, but now... Nothing can make me feel better, especially not after what just happened. I finally met you, Harry._

_**What?** _

_**No!** _

_**Did I treat you badly as well?** _

_**I don't even remember....** _

_**I am soo sorry** _

_I tried to warn you about Ronald. I dived into self-loathing after what had happened with him, but you spoke to me at the manor. You told me that it wasn't my fault and that Ron jumped to conclusions, that it was his own insecurities that ended our friendship, not my stupidity. I hadn't done anything wrong, after all. Ron was just the kind of person who up and leaves at the first sign of problems._

_I thought that was all true, but my warning only pushed you away and you... You rejected me._

Harry's heart clenched. Everything suddenly started to make sense. The beliefs. The writer's friends. The fact that Ron never mentioned him. The owner of the journal was Malfoy. He couldn't stop reading. He had to know Malfoy's perspective, how deep Harry had hurt him. 

_It's alright, Harry. It really is. I understand. I was warning you as a friend, but you aren't my friend, nor will you ever be. It didn't take you a second to decide that you don't like me. I don't blame you. No one likes me. I don't even like me..._

_**No!** _

_**That wasn't it.** _

_**I swear** _

_**I misunderstood.** _

_Maybe I should just get used to the fact that I am destined to be alone forever. That I will never be loved. That I will never have friends or even.... Gods, if I can't even keep a friend, how will I find a partner? How will I have my family? My kids? My dream?_

_Maybe I shouldn't get used to the fact that I am destined to be alone. Perhaps I should finally accept that I am destined for nothing. It's not a secret that mother had trouble conceiving. She had to try many treatments to have me. I was a 'miracle baby' to them. Now, I am just a disappointment. I often wonder if father wishes he had stopped trying. Would it have been better had I never been born? Am I such a huge disappointment that having no heir would've been a better option for father? I suppose I should accept that the answer is yes. That I was a mistake and that there isn't a place for me in this world. Why am I here? What am I doing?_

_**No...** _

_Even you couldn't stand to be around me, Harry. And you're my best friend. But I need to stop living in a dream world. You're not my friend. You hate me. You can't stand me. And I am not really talking to you. I am writing in a damn journal even though my wrists are bleeding and aching, but I don't know what else to do. Would you care if I die, Harry? Would you be mad at me? I really did try my best to be good enough. I guess I am just not built for this world. I still don't understand what's wrong with my mouth, why it insists on saying things that everyone finds disturbing. What's wrong with my soul? Why is it so fragile and hurt? What's wrong with me? Why am I such a bad person? Why am I such a freak?_

_**You're not!** _

_**I can tell** _

_**I swear you're not** _

_**Please believe me** _

_**I would care if you die!!** _

_Maybe I'll try something. Hogwarts is starting tommorow. I'll try to be normal. I'll try to be someone else. Everything I want to say, I'll just say the opposite of. I'll be the farthest thing from what I am. Maybe then someone somewhere will love me... I hope this works. Nothing else has. Well, Harry, I guess this is it. I can't write to you anymore. It's too painful, knowing you don't really want me. I'll read over this. Read over your kind words when I feel down, but I can't write again. I hope you understand. This is the only way to shut down my stupid, disappointing, treachous brain. If it doesn't work.. Well, I'll see you in the afterlife._

"No!" Harry shouted, filled with rage at the words he was reading, not aware of the people around him stopping and staring at him. 

"Mate, you alright?" Ron asked from across the table. Harry forced a smile, nodded, then got up and tried to walk out of the library in the most casual way possible. 

Only when he got to his dorm did it occur to Harry: the last entry was dated back two years. Malfoy was fine. He was. Wasn't he? Harry should just leave the journal for the blonde to find then get on with his life. No one said Malfoy still felt the same way. No one said he was still thinking about... 

But Harry couldn't leave it alone. He left the journal behind the sinks in the bathroom where he had found it and, determined to put the whole thing behind him, he didn't say a word of it to anyone. But, a week later, the journal was gone from the bathroom and Harry still couldn't get it out of his mind. He started to look at Draco. Really look at him and he started to notice the tugging of his sleeves, and the silence. It seemed every word out of Malfoy's mouth was either an insult, an agreement to something his friends said, or nothing. It was as if he was programed not to speak a word of his own opinions, not to share his feelings, not to tell anyone anything. Only then did Harry know that whatever feelings Draco had harbored while writing to Harry, he still had them, and they seemed to have gotten worse. 

_**You kept your promise.** _

_**And I hate you for it.** _

_**You became the opposite of what you are.** _

_**But I would've liked you for who you were, then.** _

_**You're mute now. Did I do that? Did I push you over the edge?** _

_**Do you think you'll accept it if I take my rejection back?** _

_**I want to hear you, Malfoy. I want to know if you're still the same person who wrote in that journal.** _

The brunette was determined. Something had to be done. He had to take back his rejection. He had to do something. Harry wouldn't leave the blonde to suffer in silence, not again.


	3. Crucio

Draco was beyond ecstatic when he found the journal the next time he went to visit Myrtle, but he was genuinely afraid that someone had gotten to it then left it behind again.

But that was good news, right?

_ If anyone had wanted to blackmail me with it, they would've kept it. _

That thought didn't make draco feel any calmer, though. He only felt more anxious as more time passed, waiting for an angry letter, a threat, a hint, anything that would put him out of his misery. He preferred bad news than not knowing, just like he had as a child. 

On top of that, Harry, the real Harry, was watching him constantly and it was putting him on edge. 

_ What was his problem? _

_ Is he still reeling from the news about black?  _

Draco wished he could go over there and comfort Harry right in front of the great hall. But he stayed seated, doing the opposite of his wishes. It had worked marvelously so far. His father and him were closer than ever. They were actually friends now. 

It was a miracle, one which Draco had once thought would never happen, which is why, as much as it pained Draco, he knew he had to destroy the journal once and for all as soon as he was alone. 

_ Ok. Harry is staring again _

_ Is this normal? _

_ What does he know? _

_ Did whoever find the journal tell Harry about it? _

_ Is he laughing at me? Pitying me? What? _

Draco didn't have to wait too long to get an answer. As soon as he exited the great hall, he heard footsteps behind him.

"What, Potter?"

The blonde came to an abrupt halt , causing Harry to run straight into him, then blush deeply. 

It was the cutest thing Draco had ever seen.

"ummm... Iwaswonderingifwecouldstartover?"

"What?"

Harry let out a breath.

"I was wondering if we could start over?" he repeated, looking straight into Draco's eyes and plastering on the widest of smiles. 

"start over?" Draco echoed, the faintest smile tugging at his face before he Willed it away completely. 

_ This isn't real. _

_ He is making fun of me. _

_ What if.. Oh God.  _

"Potter, would you happen to have come across this before?" he asked the brunette, taking out the notebook from his bag, almost certain he would see a sign if Harry recognized it, but wishing he wouldn't. Sadly, he was right. Harry's green eyes widened before he looked to the floor as if burned by the book.

"Right," Draco whispered steadily, although he was very disappointed. "I know you hate me, potter, but I've never known you to kick a man while he's down before. Have a good day."

_ That's it. _

_ Just walk away. _

_ Don't cry for the love of God. _

_ What did you expect? That he suddenly changed his mind and likes you? _

_ Impossible. _

"Malfoy, wait." potter called out from behind him. "I understand what you wrote in the diary more than anyone else. I am not pitying you. Trust me. You have to believe me. Child abuse is more common than you think." 

Draco quickly turned back at him, ready to tell him to shut up, only to realize that his four friends were standing behind Potter, staring at Draco in horror. 

"What is he on about, Draco?" Pansy asked, bumping into Harry on purpose to get closer to the blonde, followed by the three others. There were many more now, the whole school wanting to watch the right. 

Draco couldn't breathe. He only remembered to put the notebook back into his bag when Crabbe eyed it Curiously. He knew this would have to be the day he would destroy it. This was it. He was found out and everyone would know if it didn't vanish right bloody now. 

"I am on about your daft friend's cruel treatment of others in this school, especially me with last year's diary incident." 

Draco looked back at Potter in shock, who gave him a wink as everyone walked away upon the mention of Riddle. 

Hermione and Ron came forward and took Harry away before Draco could ask why he did that. That was fine because the blonde couldn't function for another second without burning the sodding journal. 

He walked, no ran, to the Slytherin common room, where the fire was still going, thank Merlin. 

Draco took one last look at the notebook, which he secretly called Harry, and silently said goodbye to the only person who would listen to him over the years. 

He would think about this moment for days, about how if he hadn't hesitated, hadn't been too slow, he might've gotten away with everything. But, he *did* hesitate and he *was* too slow and his father accioed the notebook without him being able to do anything about it. 

"We need to speak, son" Lucius said, then grabbed Draco's arm and apparated them out of Hogwarts and into the manor. 

_ No! _

_ Not here.  _

_ I don't want it to end here.  _

_ I wanted myrtle with me.  _

_ And I wanted to be the one holding Journal Harry. _

"Why must I get an owl from McGonagall herself telling me that the Potter boy suggested you're being mistreated in your home?" 

_ That meddlesome witch! _

_ I must fix this!  _

"Father, it was a setup by that imbecile Potter. I assure you, I would never write in some pink diary like a first year girl." he told his father, then added a light laugh in the end. He hoped he was convincing, or else... He didn't know what his father would do if he discovered what was in the journal. 

_ Nothing good _

His father's eyes were closed, with his hands firmly grasping the notebook's spine. Draco mentally kicked himself for being more worried about what his father would do to the notebook than to the blonde, himself. 

Suddenly, Lucius's eyes snapped open and Draco knew, by the look in his eyes, that Lucius had somehow read through the whole thing. 

The blonde tried not to squirm as his father eyed him up and down, tried to think of nothing, to not show his true levels of anxiety. 

"Attack me, Draco." Lucius ordered. It was not an uncommon task. He often did it to teach Draco for combat. Although, Draco never asked why. He moved to get his wand from his pocket, only to find that it wasn't there. 

"No, my son." his father told him carefully, then threw a different wand in his direction, then started walking towards him. "Attack me with my own." 

Draco froze.

"It's worked for all Malfoys so far." he continued, circling around Draco, still eyeing him. "That is all Malfoy wizards. But that isn't a problem, because no Malfoy has *ever* been born a squib." he banged his cane on the floor to emphasize the word 'ever' and Draco flinched. 

"Isn't that right, Draco?" he whispered, standing right in front of the younger blonde, pressing his chest into the wand's tip and searching his son's eyes frantically. 

They stayed like that for mere seconds, but it felt like hours for Draco, who, knowing it was no use, lowered his father's wand slowly, not daring to look at Lucius in the process, then held it out. 

_ This is it.  _

_ He's going to lock me away  _

_ He's going to tell everyone I am dead _

_ He's going to say it was a tragic accident. _

"Take. The. Wand. Back. And. Fight. me. son." his father gritted out slowly. Draco closed his eyes and continued to hold out the wand for minutes. 

"Levitate something, boy." 

Draco didn't move an inch, putting all his effort into keeping himself from trembling or whimpering in fear. 

"Cast a bloody Lumos, even!" 

To Draco's horror, his eyes started filling with tears. He couldn't cry in front of his father. It just wasn't possible. He was already in a deep mess. Taking a shaky breath, he started to speak. 

"If you allow me my own wand, father, I will do anything you wish." he said steadily, hoping his father wouldn't lock him up if he could do some sort of magic. 

Suddenly, he was being thrown against the wall, the same wand he held seconds earlier now being rammed into his throat. 

"You're being insufferable, boy. I thought we were done with this petty business of yours. Are you telling me you disobey my command to use my wand, yet yours would work perfectly fine?" 

There was no way out. For the millionth time, Draco wished he was an actual wizard or that he had come up with a way to apparate without magic. He was stuck and sure he would never be seen outside the manor again. He wished he had said goodbye to Myrtle, but at least he had asked headless Nick to keep an eye on her in case Draco didn't make it back to the bathroom for any reason. 

"Yes." the younger blonde whispered, accepting his fate.

"If you truly are a squib, how does your wand work? What have you done to it, you freak?"

Draco had to choke back a sob at the insult. He hadn't been called that in almost three years. He didn't want it to start again. But he had to accept the facts. The insults would be the easiest things to face now. 

"Answer me, boy!" his dad shouted, frantically.

_ This is bad. _

_ This is really bad. _

_ He never shouts  _

_ Oh, God, what's he going to do to me? _

_ Oh God. Oh God. _

Draco shook his head. 

_ I won't tell you. _

_ It took me a long time to perfect it.  _

_ And even longer to apply  _

_ It is the only thing I am proud of myself for _

_ And I know you'll reduce it to nothing as you do with all my other accomplishments.  _

_ If I must go today, I'll at least go with one happy memory.  _

_ You don't get to ruin it for me this time, father.  _

"Don't want to speak?" his father whispered, then let go of his collar and walked back, "fine. But you will suffer for this." 

Draco tried to steady his breathing, but a certain word had caught his attention. 

'suffer' as in punishment. As in this was just another offense. As in his father wouldn't lock him up. Draco almost cried in relief and flung himself off the wall to thank his father, but was stopped dead in his tracks by the word that would haunt him for the rest of his days at Hogwarts. 

"Crucio"


	4. Where are You?

Harry was frantic. Malfoy had mysteriously disappeared after the whole notebook incident and Harry didn't know what to make of it. Sure, it had been almost three years, but what if Malfoy was still feeling down? What if Harry had somehow pushed him over the edge? Did he do something to himself? Was his body going to wash up on the shores of the lake? 

_**Oh gods** _

_**Where are you?!** _

Relief couldn't even begin to describe what Harry felt when he saw the blonde two days before the holidays. He had walked into the classroom as if nothing had happened, but his expression was haunted. Something had definitely happened to him. That didn't put Harry's mind at ease at all and he decided to try again with Malfoy when he could get him alone. But he didn't get him alone at all in the remaining two days and he had to accept that he wouldn't speak to the blonde until after the holidays.

On the first day of Christmas, when everyone was gone, Harry spotted Malfoy sitting alone at the Slytherin table, picking at his food and staring at the plate with that same haunted expression.

_**Since when did he stay at Hogwarts during the holidays?** _

_**Why isn't he at the manor?** _

Harry saw the opportunity and followed the Slytherin back to his dorms under the invisibility cloak so he wouldn't get the attention of the other students who had stayed behind during holidays.

Back in the dorm, he threw off the cloak as soon as Malfoy shut the door. The blonde didn't look surprised at all and continued to his bed as if Harry wasn't there. It only made Harry more concerned, but also angry. 

"Come on, Malfoy! You could at least acknowledge my existence." he yelled, pulling at his hair. 

The blonde didn't answer and started to change into his pajamas even though Harry was openly looking at him, so the brunette turned around to give the blonde some privacy, only then did he remember his major concern. The blood.

Harry turned around swiftly, but he found nothing of concern. Malfoy, who had stripped down to muggle boxers, had no visible scars, bruises or any blemishes for that matter.

_**That can't be right** _

_**Even if they were years old they'd still show.** _

Harry concentrated harder on the blonde's arms and Malfoy caught him staring. A faint smile tugged at his lips and Harry couldn't help but feel relieved.

"Like what you see, Potter?" 

"Very much." Harry replied without thinking, then stammered and tried to cover it up, which only made things worse, "I-I mean there are no bruises or anything so at least I know you were safe. Where were you? What happened?" 

The blonde's face seemed to turn even paler at the question and, after putting on his pajamas, he huffed. 

"what's it to you, Potter?" he asked, then pulled out a cauldron from under his bed and some ingredients, sat on the floor, and started chopping.

"I told you I want to start over! Why won't you believe me?"

_**God's, he is so frustrating!** _

Malfoy turned to look at him with a sneer. 

"Potter I don't need your pity. Now please see yourself out, I am working on a very important potion." 

"oh yeah? What are you making?" Harry asked, sitting cross-legged on the floor next to Malfoy. He couldn't describe it but seeing Malfoy in his snitch pajamas, sitting on the floor, and working on a potion just made the boy seem so normal and easy to talk to. It was all so intimate. 

"As if you don't know." Malfoy gritted out, frowning deeply, then glared at Harry "Is that why you're here? To humiliate me further? Well, job well done. You can leave now." 

Harry just blinked at the blonde. 

"What are you on about, Malfoy?" 

"As if you don't know, you-" Malfoy started then, upon seeing the confused expression on Harry's face, clamped his mouth shut. "You really don't know, do you?" he whispered after a second. 

Harry shook his head, still confused. 

"Harry, how far did you get in the journal?" he asked, then looked up with a wide smile and a look that Harry could only describe as unbelievably hopeful, "Or did you not read it at all?" 

Harry loved that smile. He had never seen it before and he wanted to keep it. He didn't want to upset Malfoy. He also adored the way Malfoy beamed at the assumption and called him by his first name. 

_**Should I just lie to him?** _

_**He looks so happy...** _

_**Would he find out eventually?** _

_**How am I supposed to ask about the tough parts of his life if I am pretending not to know about them?** _

_**Well.. There's apparently more that I don't know about.** _

_**Would he tell me eventually?** _

_**Because he'll agree to be my friend then.** _

_**He'll agree if I just tell one little fib...** _

"I can't lie to you, Malfoy. I did read some of it." Harry started and Malfoy's smile immediately disappeared, his emotions now completely shrouded. Harry didn't want that. No. He didn't want that at all. He had to make things right. Malfoy just had to give him a chance. "I read the first page and I didn't know the journal belonged to you. I loved the entry. It was just so... I mean I don't know any literary words but it touched my heart, you know? People can be assholes and unreasonable at times. Anyways, I put it back, because as much as I wanted to know who wrote it, I couldn't keep reading. It felt personal and didn't seem right." 

"Oh. I have an entire book on the phenomenon if you're that interested." Malfoy told him, staring at Harry intently. Harry forced a smile and nodded. 

"Sure... That sounds... Interesting." 

Suddenly, Malfoy burst out laughing. It was unfiltered, raw laughter, like that of a child, and it made Harry smile even though the brunette was fairly certain the blonde was laughing at him. 

"Hey... What's so funny?" Harry asked, pretending to be angry, then whacked Malfoy over the head, which only made the blonde laugh harder. 

"You... You should've seen your face, Harry!" the blonde gasped out between laughs, "Gods, it was priceless. You looked like you were going to be sick, but you were agreeing to it. Hilarious." 

Harry frowned. 

_**Damn. Am I that bad a liar?** _

_**How am I supposed to keep the fact that I read a lot of the journal entries from him?** _

_**He'll see right through me.** _

"Hey," Malfoy said, putting a hand on Harry's knee. "It's alright. I am not offended or anything. It's just... You don't have to lie to me. I hate it when people do that. Like I said on that page... I have trouble understanding what people mean because, a lot of the time, they speak in circles and I get lost. I know you, Harry. You hate books. You don't have to pretend otherwise." 

Harry simply gaped at Malfoy, who was being civil. What the bloody hell? Harry had expected that if Malfoy agreed to be friends, he would at least keep his shields up for a bit longer, try to protect himself like he went on about in the journal, not act and speak so freely, especially with Harry, who was supposed to be the blonde's arch-nemesis. 

Malfoy reacted to Harry so happily just now and beamed at the idea that Harry didn't want to be friends simply because of the journal. It was like he had no one else and couldn't wait to give all his friendship energy to Harry. It was the saddest thing Harry had ever seen and thought about. 

Harry was, once again, snapped out of his thoughts, by Malfoy removing his hand. 

"You're mad at me." the blonde whispered and looked at the floor, "I didn't mean to laugh at you. I-I didn't mean to upset you. I am sorry. I understand if you want to take your friendship offer back. I say so many stupid things a lot of the time, but I really can't help it. I don't know why. I am a bit of a freak. " 

The blonde put his face in his hands and seemed to shrink back within himself. Harry realized he had been silent for some time. 

"No!" Harry shouted and Malfoy flinched. Harry reeled in his rage, took a deep breathe then started again, more calmly. "Please don't call yourself that, Draco. You're not a freak. I found it funny, too. And don't hold yourself back with me. Please. I just want to be your friend, honest, and you wouldn't keep your thoughts from your friends, would you? "

The blonde gave a bitter laugh and Harry kicked himself mentally.

_**Way to go, Harry** _

Then, Draco looked up and narrowed his eyes. Harry thought he was done for. The blonde was mad and would kick him out. Harry had screwed up big time.

" Why exactly did you change your mind about being my friend now?" the blonde gritted out, "and what was that you said about child abuse in front of everyone, Potter?"

**_No._ **

**_Think. Think. Think._ **

"I-I" Harry started, but his mind drew a blank. He decided to go with a vague version of the truth. "The passage got me thinking about how little I know about who people truly are and misunderstandings and stuff. And-and I realized that I may have not given enough people the chance to get to know them. I misjudged you, Draco. I did. And I promised not to do that with anyone. I-I didn't want to be like my relatives. They don't like me very much and they don't even know me. I had a bit of a spat with them this summer and wound up homeless and I-I had a lot of time to think. A lot of things to think about and one of them was you. I wanted to get to know you. You extended your hand and I rejected it without even giving you a chance. It was horrid of me. I was exactly like them and I'll hate myself forever for it. When you showed me your journal, I was trying to explain that I understood where you were coming from about people's weird behavior and how I believe it is abusive to children to expect them not to reveal their emotions or magic. I figured it was something we had in common. I am so sorry about rejecting you, Draco. It's only been a few minutes and I am enjoying being your friend. I was wrong." 

By the end of his rant, Draco was looking at him with wide eyes. 

" I suppose I owe you an apology, too, then." he whispered, looking at the cauldron, then proceeding to stir it. 

"It's all in the past." Harry said, then put out his hand, "Friends, Draco?" 

The blonde took it instantly like he had literally been waiting three years to do so. It broke Harry's heart. "Friends, Harry." 

Harry had to choke back a sob at the sudden realization that the Dursley story he gave Draco was actually the truth. He was scum. He was judgemental. He was causing pain, even if not directly. When it came to Draco, Harry was a Dursley and not a potter, even if Draco later started acting like a git. That was, in part, because of how Harry had reacted to him, at least according to the journal. Harry had to make up for it, undo the damage. 

"So, what are you working on?" Harry asked, trying to clear the tension from both their emotional ramblings. Draco seemed to freeze and Harry couldn't figure out what he had said wrong. Then, the blonde turned towards him and gave him a sad smile. 

"It's a beauty potion. Don't make fun of me." he said, then chuckled a bit. Harry couldn't laugh, even though the silence clearly made Draco worry. The brunette knew there had to be more to the story. That look that Draco had given him was just... There just had to be more. 

Harry looked up to see that Draco had that same panicked and resigned look on his face that he had when he thought he did something that upset Harry. Harry sighed. This was going to be a tough friendship. It seemed Draco only grew worse over the years, not better. 

"I'll just get this out of the way, Draco. Sometimes, my mind just drifts. I promise I'll tell you if I am upset at anything you do. If I am silent, it doesn't mean I am mad at you." Harry told the blonde, hoping his promise would put Draco's mind at ease. 

Draco studied him incredulously for a bit, then whispered "really?" 

Harry nodded frantically and Draco smiled. It seemed Harry had finally had a breakthrough. 

"Did you make up with your relatives ever since?" the blonde asked while stirring the cauldron, "Whatever it was, I am sure they aren't still mad at you. Or are you still mad at them?" 

Harry smiled at the blonde's innocence. Even with his father's beatings, Draco seemed to have retained his positive nature towards people. He truly thought this was how the world works and that it was just Draco who was different. Harry didn't have the heart or energy to tell him the truth, so he just nodded. 

"It was stupid." he said, though his voice broke at the last word. He cursed himself and hoped Draco hadn't noticed, but the blonde was looking at him with a sad look in his eyes. He suddenly stopped stirring and pulled out a small box from his trunk, then handed it to Harry. 

"I am sure it will work itself out." he told the brunette, who instantly devoured a cookie from the box. It was brilliant. 

"Where did you get this, Draco?" Harry asked with a smile, stuffing a second cookie in his mouth. 

The blonde rolled his eyes and put the cauldron aside. 

"Must you talk with your mouth full?" he said, feigning disgust, but Harry could tell he was hiding a smile, "and if you must know, I made them." 

Harry gaped at him, then grinned. He could get used to this. "You're a brilliant chef." 

Draco seemed taken back by the compliment, but smiled. 

"It's the same as potions, after all, and I've had a lot of practice with that. Perhaps too much." he whispered. Harry could tell there was more behind the words but he just kept eating, lost in the moment.


	5. The Chamber of Safety

Harry thought this friendship with Draco served nothing more than clearing his conscience and giving the blonde someone to talk to, but he was surprised to find himself actually enjoying Draco's company. 

His insightful hour-long lectures on the strange workings of the human mind actually interested Harry and his cooking was to die for. The blonde wasn't clingy and depressed like the journal had suggested. He seemed to be ecstatic whenever he was around Harry.

Draco also vowed to help Harry with his potion skills, but when Harry offered to help Draco cast a patronus, the blonde refused with a deep frown. That wasn't the only time Harry had regretted not looking for more entries in the journal. He was dying to know what the blonde was hiding, especially since it seemed to upset him so deeply. The Patronus. The potion. His father. Everything seemed so connected and yet not. It was driving Harry mad. He had shared with Draco, told him about the Dursleys that first night, so why couldn't Draco do the same. Did he not trust Harry, even after two weeks of never leaving each other's sides? What was so bad that Draco couldn't tell Harry?

It didn't seem to matter, though. As soon as other students returned, Draco wouldn't meet Harry's eyes. He disappeared at times that they would normally go to the kitchens so Draco could fix a meal for Harry. Harry had even managed to catch Draco in the hallway alone once, but when he smiled and started to make his way over to the blonde, Draco turned around and walked away. The insults only grew from then. Harry started questioning whether what had happened over the holidays had been a figment of his imagination. Draco seemed to hate him again and Harry couldn't figure out why. 

Two weeks later, Harry had given up altogether on trying to talk to Draco. His notes in class were burned to ashes. His letters unanswered, and the blonde still wouldn't meet his eye. Harry hated himself for thinking that this friendship would last. Draco was clearly an unstable person and it was impossible to know what he was thinking. His reputation meant more to him than Harry. That much was clear.

Harry was still upset, though. He actually missed Draco and their time together. The blonde was calm and humorous, such a sharp contrast from Hermione's obsessive nature and Ron's tempered one. He could make Harry smile and laugh even when Harry was scared because of the Sirius thing. He didn't force Harry to talk or do anything. Often, they just sat in the same room doing different things, but the blonde's company alone was enough to make Harry feel happy for some reason. 

In a strange kind of way, Harry felt like he had found a distant brother. Someone whose family treated him as badly as the Dursleys treated Harry. Someone who didn't have anyone else to confide in. Someone who didn't want Harry to filter, who didn't push, but didn't mind heavy topics. It was like Draco and Harry were together against their opposite worlds and demons, supporting each other. Then, Draco just disappeared and Harry felt more alone than ever, especially with his friends laughing while telling stories of their holidays with their families. Harry tried to smile and nod along, faking interest and happiness, but he felt jealous and betrayed like the world owed him more. What did Ron and Hermione do to deserve their families and happiness that Harry didn't? He hated himself for thinking that way about his friends and withdrew further. 

All his anger seemed to disappear the moment he found Draco sobbing alone in Myrtle's bathroom.

He had had a horrible day or a wonderful one, depending on how you would look at it. He could concentrate on the fact that he had saved Buckbeak and Sirius from death, or he could wallow in sadness over the fact that his godfather would never live a normal life. His life had been taken from him. 

_**Maybe if I had just let them kill Peter, Sirius would have his freedom?** _

_**No. then both him and Lupin would’ve been on the run.** _

_**But Lupin isn’t that well off now, either, because of Snape outing him as a werewolf.** _

_**All his father’s friends are meeting bad fates and Harry couldn’t do anything to stop it.** _

_**Still, I could’ve done something, should’ve stopped the bloody rat from getting away…** _

Harry’s thoughts stopped when he realized where his legs took him and heard the sound of crying coming from their bathroom. He knew exactly who was in the bathroom, and it was clear the blonde didn’t want to be around him, but he couldn’t lose anyone else. He had to talk to Draco, even if the blonde made it clear he didn’t want that. Harry might never find him alone again. 

He walked into the bathroom to find Draco huddled against the wall, hiding beneath the sinks, trying to make himself as small as possible and crying his eyes out.

"Please... I asked you not to do anything, father. I asked you to leave it. I was fine. I was being stupid as always. Why did you have to kill the bird? It was such a lo-lovely creature and n-now it’s d-dead, be-because of me. It-It’s all my fault." the blonde whispered through sobs.

Harry's heart clenched at the statement and all anger and vengefulness at the blonde’s previous attitude left his mind. He only wanted to help Draco.

"Damn it! Stop crying! Father was right...you're a disgrace. You're a freak!"

_**Gods! STOP CALLING YOURSELF THAT!**_

Harry started walking towards the sinks slowly. 

"M-myrtle?" the blonde asked weakly while turning his head. He instantly looked horrified at finding Harry crouched down in front of him, extending a hand.

"No. It's me." Harry told him soothingly, glad the blonde hadn’t hexed him the moment he saw it was Harry. 

_**He's so cute all red and small like this.** _

"Leave me alone, potter! Don't you have some criminal godfather and savage bird friend to say goodbye to? If not, the weasel and mudblood must be waiting around for the boy-who-won't-die by now." Draco shouted, wiping the tears from his face furiously. 

_**You think that will work?** _

_**I know you, too, Draco.** _

"No. I have nowhere to go." Harry said stubbornly and laughed at the furious look on Draco's face, thinking he was even more adorable.

"well, I don't know what made you think you were welcome here, but you aren't!"

"I just heard you and wanted to make sure you were alright."

_**Stop fighting me...** _

_**I know what it's like to feel alone** _

_**I only don't feel that way when I am with you** _

_**I know what it's like to feel unwanted by your family** _

"Well, I am quite alright as you can see. So, leave now!" Draco shouted, but he looked pained like he didn’t want Harry to leave. 

"Give it up, Draco. I know something is wrong. Why else would you be hiding out here?"

"I am NOT hiding. I am... Waiting for a friend." Draco told him, looking away. 

"Myrtle?"

"Yes, myrtle! Now leave." he continued to shout.

_**I am not leaving you** _

"She and headless Nick are having a chat. I don't think she'll be back for hours."

Draco huffed in disappointment and murmured to himself.

"Even my immortal friend can't be bothered to waste her time on my nonsense."

_**Don’t say that!** _

"It's not nonsense."

Draco ignored him, burying his face in his arms, tightening his hold on himself and attempting to become one with the walls.

"You know you're leaning on the door for the chamber of secrets, right?" Harry asked after a few moments of silence, knowing Riddle was one of Draco’s greatest fears. 

Draco shrieked and stood suddenly, banging his head against the sinks. 

Harry chuckled, then dragged Draco out from under the sinks, loving his childlike attitude.

"What did you just say?" the blonde whispered, looking at the sinks curiously.

"Want me to show you?" Harry asked, and started hissing upon Draco's hesitant nod. As the sinks started moving, Draco jumped back, terrified, but Harry caught him.

"It's alright," he said, releasing Draco, then stepping closer to the chamber's entrance and holding out a hand, "Don't be afraid. Come with me. I'll protect you."

Draco took his hand and Harry felt at ease. He finally had a way in. He could talk to the blonde and figure out what had gone wrong between them. 

As soon as they reached the inside of the chamber, Harry conjured a couch with a spell which he had learned specifically for an occasion like this. He told himself to be patient, to wait for the blonde to speak, to do anything but start bombarding him with questions, but he failed. 

"Why did you leave me?" he asked as soon as the blonde was seated across from him. Draco instantly looked at the floor, but Harry didn't miss the guilt that flashed through his eyes. 

_**Good.** _

"Why did you just disappear like that? I-I thought you liked being my friend." he finished with a whisper, feeling like a fool. Draco would probably start laughing at him. 

To his surprise, when Harry looked up, Draco's shoulders were shaking and his face was in his hands. The blonde was...crying. But Harry wouldn't comfort him. He shouldn't comfort him. Draco abandoned him. He deserves to feel like utter shit. Doesn't he? Whatever he does, Harry. Absolutely. Would. Not. Comfort. The. Blonde. 

"What's wrong?" Harry asked, moving closer to Draco and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Talk to me, Draco." 

That statement only made Draco cry harder, and he couldn't keep it quiet, either. Harry listened to Draco sob for what felt like hours, praying to whatever Gods were listening that Draco would just answer him already. 

After what felt like days, Harry started to catch random words though Draco's sobs. 

"Sorry... Horrible... Freak... Couldn't... Hate... Journal... Weak... Crucio." 

Harry's heart seemed to stop upon hearing the last word and he instantly turned Draco around forcibly, not noticing how the blonde flinched back and started to sob harder. He looked Draco in the eye and started shouting. 

"What did you just say to me?" he yelled, then felt like a monster when the blonde started to apologize all over again and curled up into a ball, facing away from Harry. 

"Draco. Draco, please calm down." he said as calmly as possible, reaching towards the blonde then cursing himself when Draco flinched away. "Alright. I am not speaking or touching you anymore. But I am here. Always." 

He didn't know why he felt the need to add the last word, but the same need to protect the blonde surged inside him and he knew from experience that Draco needed constant reassurance that Harry wasn't leaving. 

Draco took forever to calm down and Harry waited, hating the blonde for denying himself comfort. 

"M'sorry" Harry heard Draco whisper and he jumped at the opportunity to somehow make him feel better. 

"You've got nothing to be sorry for."

Draco threw him a glare through red-rimmed eyes and Harry had to suppress a chuckle. The blonde looked too adorable when pretending to be angry. 

"You're lying to me again. You said you wouldn't."

"And you said we would be friends!" Harry yelled then instantly kicked himself when the blonde started to cry again. 

"I know. I-I am so sorry, Harry."

"Don't be sorry. Just tell me what I did that made you leave." Harry whispered, trying not to focus too much on Draco's state. His sadness wouldn't matter if Draco didn't want to be his friend, because then comfort from Harry would only make things worse. 

"Y-you did nothing wrong. M-my father.." 

"What about that arsehole?"

Harry couldn't help it. His opinion of Lucius Malfoy couldn't have been any lower. What he does to his son... Harry couldn't help it. 

"Hey!" Draco suddenly yelled through tears, "Don't speak about my father that way. He is my friend!" 

Harry only threw him a sad look, one which Draco must've understood. 

"I mean he was my friend before he read the journal, then he-he.. Gods." 

"He what, Draco?" Harry coaxed, hating himself for taking advantage of the blonde during this horrible time, but knowing he had to hear it from Draco so he could convince him to go to Dumbledore or the Aurors or anyone that would do something about it. "What did he do?" 

"H-he crucioed me, th-then h-he said I should consider m-myself lucky that he doesn't pull me out of Hogwarts and that he w-will keep me locked up at the manor if I s-slip. I h-have to m-make sure no one finds out about what's in the journal and you-" the blonde stopped suddenly, eyes wide, then silence filled the room.

Harry saw red. He couldn't understand how anyone would want to hurt Draco.  Sweet, innocent Draco who makes Harry cookies when the brunette is even a tiny bit upset and becomes obsessed with making him feel better. 

Draco was an absolute angel. How could people turn him away or laugh at him or call him a freak? Sure, he is a git, but that's only because everyone pushed him away. What was the boy supposed to do? Continue to bear his heart to people only to have it broken? Harry understood the need for approval better than anyone. He understood the eventual dark path that it leads to. He treated the Dursleys like shit, but they deserved it. And, sure, not everyone Draco treats badly deserves it, but the blonde doesn't know any better. He only knows that this is the only way to protect himself. Harry can't blame Draco for that. 

He wished the blonde would continue so he wouldn't have to ask, but that didn't seem to be happening anytime soon. 

"What about me, Draco?" Harry asked softly and the blonde seemed like he was going to speak but closed his mouth after Harry's next statement. "You can tell me anything. I know we haven't been friends very long, but those two weeks were wonderful for me. I truly felt like I had a brother during them." 

Draco looked about ready to cry again and Harry started pulling at his hair, wishing he had a manual for Draco just so he could stop saying things that upset the blonde without intending to. 

" Brother... Right." Draco whispered to himself, then looked up at Harry with a smile, "I am sorry, Harry. Truly, being your friend was a dream come true for me, but all dreams must come to an end eventually. If we continue to be friends, my father will make me leave you anyways, then I won't even get to see you. It would be worse even, not seeing you every day. It would be better to make sure you were alright, even if we n-never speak again. I didn't explain any of this to you because I was certain you didn't care." 

" How could you say that, Draco?" Harry asked frantically. Hadn't he been reassuring enough? What more did he need to do? 

The blonde huffed and Harry resisted the urge to move Draco's fringe from in front of his eyes. 

"We were speaking, Harry! You were with me!" Draco whined, and, upon seeing Harry's confused expression, continued, "You and I were walking *together* to the great hall and then those two mudblood and weasel friends of yours just swooped in and took you away from me, like I wasn't even there! Then *they* started to walk and talk with you. Very inconsiderate, they are! Didn't even apologize to me." 

"They didn't know you were walking with me. They thought you were just there and they wouldn't apologize because you started insulting them!" Harry told him firmly, not appreciating the nicknames. 

"Yes, well, they deserved it, they did. Who do they think they are taking my friend away from me?" he continued to whine, and Harry never thought he'd seen something more adorable. Draco was speaking about him as if he was a toy that some other kid yanked out of Draco's hands. It should be insulting, but Harry found it cute for some reason, then he heard the blonde whisper a heart-breaking sentence. "Even if my friend would always rather be with them than be with me."

Harry didn't know when he had leaped to the other side of the couch, but he was there and he was grabbing Draco's hands with a crushing hold. He didn't know why those words got to him, but he needed Draco to just *understand*. He was so deep in thought, he didn't even notice Draco trying to pull away, to prevent Harry from detecting his glamour. 

"Never think that, Draco. I always want to be with you. You...you make me feel less alone." 

"Really?" the blonde asked, skeptically. 

"Yes, Really!" Harry all but shouted, as if the increased volume would make the blonde see the truth. Then, he pulled away and looked Draco in the eye. 

"I need your father to burn for what he did to you." he told Draco firmly, but the blonde shook his head frantically and his eyes widen. 

"N-no Harry, please. There's still a chance for me. Maybe, maybe if I am good until the summer he'll like me again. Please. Harry, he's my daddy! Please, don't take him away. I-I deserved everything he did. I swear. You just don't understand because you don't know what was in that journal. If you did you'd never say those things. Please!" Draco wailed. 

"There's nothing in that journal that could justify using an unforgivable. He's just a monster!" 

"He's trying to fix me, Harry. And, who knows, maybe it's working. Maybe if he keeps trying, I'll stop getting bad thoughts and I'll do better." 

"You don't need fixing, Draco. You're perfect. Please believe me." 

But Draco only shook his head. 

"You're only saying that because you didn't read the journal. A-and if you're serious and you really care about me then you won't pressure me or tell anyone. I will never trust you again if you do that. I hate decisions being made for me." 

_**Like your father forcing you to stop being my friend?** _

_**Like him threatening to make you leave Hogwarts?** _

But Harry didn't say any of that. He merely nodded and suggested that they keep the friendship secret and meet at this time every week. The chambers would keep them safe, he promised. Draco beamed at the idea then jumped up and down with joy. Harry loved seeing him so happy. He only wished it would continue. 


	6. Finite

Being Harry's friend was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because, as Draco had told him, it was like a dream come true. And a curse because Draco was always on edge around the brunette, worried about him discovering something he shouldn't.

It seemed inevitable, with how touchy Harry was. He took every happy moment as a chance to hug Draco and Draco had to ruin it by moving away at the last moment and holding Harry's hand tightly, instead, in an effort to prevent any touching. He only prayed that Harry couldn't sense how bony they were. It was awkward for Draco, but he hoped Harty didn't feel the same way. He always saw the hurt on the brunette's face when he did this, but it was quickly replaced with a smile. Gods, Harry was so understanding. It killed Draco to have to lie to him.

If his friends had noticed how little he was eating, they didn't say anything. But he knew Harry would. Harry was very protective of him and had a short temper when it came to the first sight of trouble near Draco. Draco loved Harry for it, but also resented him a bit. It meant he couldn't be open with Harry the way he had been with journal Harry (before his father took him). No. Journal Harry didn't respond, didn't judge, didn't protect, didn't do anything. It was comforting to know he wouldn't force anything on Draco. Real Harry was different.

By the sixth week, Draco was sure he had been caught when Harry started to speak to him about food.

"It's just that I never see you eat, Draco." he said, holding Draco's hand for reassurance. "I am not mad at you. I swear. I just wish you took better care of yourself. I'd hate it if something happens to you."

Draco couldn't help but smile. Harry always knew what to say to make the blonde feel loved and appreciated.

"Alright, Harry. I'll eat more from now on."

What else could he say? How could he say no to Harry's wide, pleading eyes? Seeing them hurt again would torture Draco, especially because they only looked like that because of him.

Harry smiled widely and Draco thought he had successfully maneuvered himself out of the situation, but he was dead wrong.

"Great! You should have a taste of your cookies, then. They're brilliant, as always."

Draco cursed himself for bringing them along. Harry had seemed so down lately because of the whole black thing, that Draco felt he had to do something. Now, he wished he had just bought Harry some thoughtless gift like any normal human being.

Harry was opening the box and handing a cookie over to him. Draco froze. He had made these. He knew they had exactly 103 calories in them, and that's 103 more than he can afford if he wanted to catch the snitch before Harry and finally make his father proud. But he couldn't tell Harry any of that. 1) it would only make him more concerned, 2) he might feel guilty, 3) any mention of Draco's father puts a damper on their nights together. 

Draco tried to give his most reassuring smile.

"I don't feel like it right now, but I'll eat at breakfast tomorrow, I promise."

_ Then get rid of it somehow...  _

But his statement only made Harry frown.

_ No!  _

_ Harry should never frown _

_ Especially not because of me _

"Come on, Draco. Just one. Just for me." Harry coaxed and his eyes were wide again. Draco had to look away. He hated saying no to Harry.

"like I said, I don't feel like anything sweet."

Harry was moving the cookie towards Draco's mouth now and Draco was almost worried he'd force it down his throat.

"Oh please, I know you have a giant sweet tooth. Just-"

"Damn it, Harry! I SAID NO!" Draco shouted, hitting Harry's hand so hard the cookie flew out of it and landed on the floor. Harry stared at it in shock, mouth open, and holding his now hurting hand close to his chest.

Draco moved away from Harry, and brought his knees to his chest and his hands to his face, unable to look at the brunette and the hurt expression in his eyes.

"M'sorry." he whimpered, not wanting Harry to be mad at him. That would be the worst thing ever.

"Hey" Harry told him slowly and softly, moving his arms away from his face. Draco winced at the contact with his swollen scars and Harry looked at him with his eyes narrowed. 

_ No. No. No.  _

_ He can't find out about this too _

_ He'll either take them both away  _

_ Which would be terrible  _

_ Or he'll leave me  _

_ Which would be the end of me  _

_ How can I go back to the way things were before, now that I know what his friendship feels like?  _

_ Sure, I want more, but this is more than I ever thought I would have and I want to keep it.  _

_ He can't find out! He just can't.  _

_ I have to make sure of it.  _

"Draco I want to ask you something and I don't want you to lie to me." 

Draco nodded slowly and whispered, "I would never lie to you, Harry." 

Harry exhaled and put on a forced smile. 

"Did your father do something to your arms?" 

Draco exhaled internally. He loved people who were ignorant of his problems. This he could work with. 

"No." he told Harry firmly, but Harry seemed unconvinced. 

"Do you have a problem with food? Are you under some kind of curse? Do you want to see Pomfrey?" 

"No. No. And no." 

Harry didn't seem to be put at ease. He seemed defeated like he had just lost some sort of battle. Draco didn't want that. He wanted to move on and talk about fun things. 

"I don't think I am asking the right questions. For once, I wish I was the smarter one between the two of us, but that will always be you." 

"Hey, you're plenty smart, too. In fact, I think it is time for our weekly chess match which you'll win any day now." 

It was a lame attempt to bypass the conversation and Harry's sudden sadness. Draco knew it, but it had worked before. Somehow, he knew it wouldn't this time. 

" No, Draco. I-" Harry started, then stopped abruptly as the hand he placed on Draco's thigh fell through the glamor and landed on his actual skin. Draco cried out in pain as Harry's hand reached his brittle bones and cane-stricken skin. His father had been bringing him home every weekend for a gentle reminder of his place, but Harry didn't need to know that. 

Harry stared in horror as his hand disappeared behind the glamour, then pulled it back quickly as if he was burned. In one swift motion, he had his wand pointed at Draco. 

On instinct, Draco put up his arms to shield his face and cried out "No! Don't hurt me." 

Harry wasn't listening, or he ignored Draco and cast a finite, then shook his head, confused when nothing happened. 

"Wha?" 

Draco breathed a sigh of relief as he lowered his wand. But then it was back up and the same motions were done with a 'finite incantadem'. 

Draco was trembling with fear. He hated wands. He hated spells. He hated magic. He hated wizards. He didn't understand any of them. All he knew was that they all brought pain. He knocked Harry's wand to the floor when Harry stopped casting, then got up and shouted at the brunette. 

"Never point a wand at me again!" 

With that, he ran out of the chambers, ignoring Harry's calls and pleas behind him and dragging Myrtle to the room of hidden things to cry about what had happened. 


	7. What's wrong with my Draco?

Harry felt awful, but how could Draco really blame him for wanting to cast those spells? His hand had disappeared beneath Draco's... Well, it wasn't a glamour since the finite didn't work. Harry really didn't know what that was, but he was now absolutely sure that Draco was hiding many things from him. The blonde still didn't trust him and, apparently, Harry had made it all worse. 

_**Draco's fear of wands was clear from the beginning.** _

_**What the hell is the matter with you?** _

_**You scared him off.** _

_**Now he'll never tell you what's wrong.** _

Then, a terrifying thought occurred to Harry. 

_**What if Draco's scared of me, now?** _

He had to find the blonde and apologize, but he wasn't anywhere to be found. Harry even looked at the map and didn't find Draco, so he went back to his dorm and lay in his bed. 

"What's wrong, mate?" 

Harry jumped when he heard Ron's voice, having snuck into the room under the assumption that the red-head was asleep. 

"Nothing." he huffed out, jumped onto the bed on his back. Ron eyed him incredulously. 

"fine! Everything. I-I did something insensitive, to a certain friend of mine and now he's basically hiding out from me and I can't apologize."

"Who?" 

"You don't know him. He's in another year." 

"alright. Well, what did you do? Maybe I could help." 

"Perhaps you can, but this person made me promise to keep their identity and problem a secret. I want to tell you, Ron. I do. But I can't." 

Ron sighed. It was clear he wanted to press the matter but didn't. Harry was thankful that his friend was so understanding, but still secretly mad at Ron for indirectly ruining Harry's would've-been friendship with Draco three years earlier. Although, Draco could've chosen his words more carefully.. 

That didn't matter now, though. All that matters is that he was friends with Draco and Draco was probably furious at him right now. 

"Maybe it's best you can't talk to him, mate." Ron said slowly and Harry only gaped at him. Ron held up his hands in surrender. "I just know you, Harry. I know you want to make things right, but have you really thought about how you're going to do that? Or what you're going to say? Or were you just going to demand he forgives you?" 

Harry was at a loss for words. That seemed about right. He hadn't planned anything really. He had hoped a simple apology would be enough, but Harry knew Draco, and even though the blonde tries to hide it, Harry knew how terrified he was of wands. Draco was probably off crying somewhere. Harry felt terrible. 

The blonde didn't meet his eyes the next day, but, to be fair, he never does in public. Something was still off, though. Draco looked absolutely fine. Too fine. Harry knew it was probably his not-Glamour glamour. He was dying to know what it was so he could see through it and know what Draco was hiding. Not that it would matter, anyhow, if the blonde still refuses to talk to him. 

After classes, Harry was resigned to the fact that he absolutely had no chance of talking to Draco. He was optimistic at the beginning of the day, but as time passed, he realized five things: 

1) he couldn't approach Draco in front of people 

2) he couldn't approach Draco in public 

3) he couldn't send Draco any letters

4) Draco was avoiding their bathroom and alcoves 

5) so, Draco and Harry would never speak again unless the blonde suddenly decides to forgive Harry. 

Those thoughts put a damper on Harry's mood and his friends tried a lot of things to cheer him up, but nothing worked. He was slumping the entire way back to his dorm by the end of the day and decided to look at the map just to see Draco's dot and trace it, no matter how creepy that made him feel. He was surprised to find Draco pacing in Myrtle's or, rather, their bathroom. Harry didn't waste a moment; he ran to the place top speed. 

He didn't even see the blonde upon entering. He didn't have time. The moment he walked through the bathroom door, he suddenly had an armful of Draco, who was sobbing out Apologies. 

"You looked so sad today, Harry. I can't believe I upset you so much. I am so sorry for leaving like that. I won't do it again. I promise. Please don't hate me. I didn't mean to upset you. I overreacted. Please say something, Harry!" 

Draco was screaming by the end of his rant, but Harry couldn't hear him. The brunette couldn't focus on anything but what he was feeling under his hands and arms and against his whole body. Draco was nothing but bones. It was like he was hugging a human skeleton. He needed to feed Draco right bloody now!

_**But how do I breach the subject?** _

_**Draco wouldn't even eat one damn cookie.** _

_**How do I get him to eat enough so he wouldn't...** _

_**So he wouldn't....die** _

_**How was this happening right under my nose?** _

_**How could this have happened?** _

_**How could I let this happen?** _

_**What's wrong with my Draco?** _

_**Why would he do this to himself?** _

_**How can I get this to stop?** _

Suddenly, Harry was shaking and tightening his hold on Draco more and more until he was certain the blonde's bones might snap, but he couldn't let him go. 

"H-Harry?" Draco asked although it was muffled by Harry's chest. The blonde had stopped crying. 

"I will forgive you, Draco," Harry told him, knowing what he was doing was low and that he was exploiting Draco's greatest fear, that Harry leaves him, to get him to eat. What else could he do, though? "but only if you eat something." 

Harry felt Draco freeze in his hold and then the blonde wiggled his way out of it entirely and Harry freed him, afraid his hold would somehow break the skinny boy. 

Draco looked panicked as if Harry had just suggested he ingest poison, not satisfy a basic need. 

"I-I can't, Harry. You don't understand. Please, anything but that. Please, you have to forgive me."

The blonde looked on the verge of tears again and Harry couldn't help it. 

"I don't have to forgive you, Draco. You did nothing wrong. I am sorry I cast spells on you without your permission. I am the one who needs your forgiveness-" 

"You have it!" Draco said loudly, still looking panicked as if the prospect of one of them being mad at the other was worse than any other fate. "Please, Harry. Can't we go back to the way things were? I didn't sleep at all last night. I was frightened that you were mad at me. I-I can't lose you." 

Harry wished he didn't have to do this. He wished things could go back to the way things were like the blonde suggested, but he knew now and nothing could take that back. He had to make sure Draco was alright and that the blonde eats. 

" I can't do that, Draco. You have to understand. Seeing you like this is killing me. I-You have to eat something! Anything! You have to get better. Gods, you're nothing more than a skeleton." 

Upon hearing Harry's words, Draco started to cry harder than he had before. Harry couldn't comfort him, not when the brunette was so frightened of the blonde's state. 

"You said you didn't sleep at all last night, Draco." he started and the blonde nodded. "Why do you look like you've had the world's best sleep? Why do you look so normal?" 

Draco looked to the floor and seemed to deflate. Harry knew he had finally asked the right question. 

"I have a glamour on." he whispered and Harry started pulling at his hair. 

"That's impossible! My spells would've taken it off if that were true. Don't lie to me, Draco."

"I am not lying." Draco all but screamed, "I-it's a potion glamour. I make it every night and take one every morning. It makes me look the way I would've if... If-" 

Draco didn't finish his sentence and he didn't need to. Harry knew what the blonde was trying to say. 

_**If his father wasn't abusing him** _

_**If he wasn't starving himself.** _

_**If he didn't have bruises.** _

_**If he were normal...** _

" Draco... " Harry started softly, knowing the blonde would adamantly refuse either way. "Would you show me?" 

"I-I can't." the blonde said, moving away from Harry, his whole body now trembling. 

"Why not? I want to see you." Harry told him firmly, following his steps, not wanting any more distance between them, physical or otherwise. 

The blonde froze again, then his shoulders slumped and he looked at the floor and sighed loudly. 

"Harry, you-you're very pretty. Did you know that?" 

Harry blushed deeply despite the situation. His mouth hung open uselessly, unprepared for the compliment. 

_**What does that have to do with anything?** _

"Well, it's true." Draco continued, still looking at the floor. "You're b-beautiful and I don't want you to see me. I don't measure up to you in any way, Harry. You don't even know the half of it. And I am glad you don't know, that you didn't read the journal, that you haven't seen...I couldn't bear it if you saw me the way I really am. I am a hideous freak."

The blonde whispered the last sentence, but Harry had heard everything and his heart broke at Draco's untrue confession.

_**How could you think that, Draco?** _

_**You're an absolute angel.** _

_**You're so sweet and kind and perfect.** _

_**Anyone would be lucky to be your friend.** _

Harry didn't even realize he was thinking out loud until he heard Draco laugh bitterly.

"Tell that to the rest of the world. And kindness isn't something I'd want to start with. You're kind enough to agree to be my friend, after all, when no one else could stand to be around me."

"Draco!" Harry heard himself growl, then scooped up the whimpering blonde into a bone-crushing hug, not wanting to let him go, ever. "How can you say that? You make it sound like I am doing you some sort of favor! Like it's a chore! It's not! I-I alright, I didn't think we'd make the best of friends at first, but you surprised me. I like you just the way you are. You being there is just enough for me. You make me feel less alone. I feel like you understand me, like we're best friends, even. I thought you felt the same way."

" I do!" the blonde sobbed into Harry's shirt.

" Then what are you on about? I told you I would be honest about how I feel and I am. I always have been. You're not some responsibility, Draco. I love spending time with you. You're perfect. Please stop hiding yourself from me. I can't even compare us. You're just.. There aren't enough kind words to describe you and I-I rejected you all these years ago and I suck, but please don't punish yourself because other people haven't realized your worth yet. That's their problem. I'll never leave you, Draco. Never."

"I guess it'll make me feel better to know what your reaction to me is when I am not on the potion." the blonde whispered, then exhaled. "I didn't think you'd come today. I thought you were mad and I wasn't paying much attention yesterday, so I couldn't concentrate enough to make the potion as strong as it normally is. I am guessing it will wear off within a few minutes if my calculations are correct and you'll see me then."

" Thank you, Draco." Harry whispered, glad the blonde wasn't putting himself down anymore. It broke Harry's heart to hear Draco call himself... That word.

They were silent for a few moments before Draco pulled away, looked Harry in the eyes, and started to explain, really explain what was going through his bloody mind when he decided to starve himself.

"My father isn't a nice guy, Harry. I guess you've already figured that one out." Harry scowled at the mention and the blonde laughed lightly then kept going, "He doesn't react very well to me being second best to Granger and... To you. I-I've done everything I could think of to beat you in quidditch so he would stop- pestering me, you could call it, but nothing worked. So I started to use my brains. I was never really much of a sports guy. I bloody well hate Quidditch and I didn't know how to figure it out using the complicated sport's tactics. Logically, a seeker is only as good as their speed and balance. I am guessing you've seen or heard of officials? No one ever hears of a fat seeker-"

"You were never fat!" Harry yelled and Draco flinched.

"I know. I wasn't fat, per se, but I could've afforded to lose a few pounds to win. It was the only thing I could think of. I had exhausted all other options. And-and it worked. It did. I almost won during the last game, but it wasn't enough. You still beat me. I beat all the other teams, but Gryffindor just..was better and father wouldn't stand for it. He let me know what he thought of it and I thought if I kept doing it.. I would eventually win and I-I can feel it, Harry. I am so close. If I just keep doing this until this week's game and win, everything will be fine. You'll see. Father will be proud. I will restore my honor as seeker and then I could eat again freely. Everything will be fine, Harry, I promise. You just need to let this go until Wednesday. Wednesday, Harry, then I'll show you everything."

Harry eyed the blonde. Draco was taking it back. He wouldn't show Harry today. That only meant one thing. The blonde looked so bad that he knew Harry wouldn't let it go on until Wednesday. It was the only explanation. Harry was just about to open his mouth to refuse when Draco continued in a low voice.

"I'll tell you everything, Harry. I'll explain everything you've ever wanted an explanation for. I'll answer every question you have. I'll-I'll show you my body, even when I am sure I'll disgust you. I just really need this, Harry. I need you to wait until Wednesday."

The offer was tempting, but Draco's health was still at risk. Harry opened his mouth to protest when Draco quickly cut him off.

"Please, Harry. Give me until Wednesday, then I promise I'll stop. I'll do everything you want. I'll be good. I'll let you feed me if you must. Just.. Give me until Wednesday."

It was a bad idea. Harry knew this deep in his gut and it had never been wrong before. But, looking at Draco's wide, desperate, silver eyes in front of him, Harry couldn't find it within himself to say no.

"Alright." Harry whispered hesitantly and the blonde jumped happily at the agreement, thanking Harry, saying he wouldn't regret this and that everything would be fine. His reassurances did nothing to lessen Harry's wariness.

"But, you have to promise me, Draco. Promise me that if you don't feel up to it, you'll stop. Any sign of distress and you back out, alright? I don't care what your father would say. A quidditch game isn't worth your health." 

The blonde didn't seem to be listening, reveling in the joy that Harry had agreed. He simply nodded and continued to speak. 

"I'll see you on Wednesday here, Harry." Draco whispered, then kissed Harry's cheek and ran before the brunette could change his mind, leaving Harry to contemplate whether he had just made a horrible mistake.


	8. All that matters?

Although the blonde, by all appearances, seemed fine, Harry couldn't, for the life of him, stifle his worry. He had never pulled at his hair as much as he had during these three days while he was desperately waiting for Wednesday to arrive so the blonde would just bloody hell eat something.

Even when they were minutes away from the game, Harry only found himself to be more anxious, having jumped to steady the blonde after Draco had stumbled for no reason on the field. The blonde's eyes instantly snapped to where his father was watching the scene intently.

"Piss off you mudblood's son! Don't touch me!" he yelled loud enough for his father to hear, which seemed to satisfy the older man as a faint smile made itself known on his face. Draco's eyes said 'sorry', but Harry didn't care about the empty insult. He was more worried than he had ever been about his friend and it took everything he had not to drag Draco off the field and to the kitchens. He could give Draco this game. The blonde promised everything would change afterward. And he promised he wouldn't go through with it if he was feeling too sick. Harry believed him.

As the end of the game neared and Harry and Draco were flying side by side, chasing the snitch, Harry could tell Draco's resolve was wavering. The blonde was swaying on his broom and seemed about ready to collapse. But, he was, indeed, faster by all accounts. With a surge of what Harry could only describe as superhuman strength, Draco flew past him in an instant and his hand gently grasped the snitch, but as the announcement made itself known that Slytherin had won, the blonde promptly fell off his broom with a smile. Harry didn't think twice. He raced towards the falling blonde, cursing himself for letting this happen, and, before Draco hit the ground, grabbed him hurriedly, then slowed down enough to lower the both of them to the field. 

Pure and utter dread and hatred filled Harry as the potion's effects seemed to wear off with the blonde's consciousness. He looked... Terrible. His eyes had bags underneath them that looked to have been permanent. His robes hanging off of him held up solely by his shoulders. His trousers only held up by a very tight belt that Harry was sure Draco had somehow fixed so it would encompass his small hips. Harry was right. This had been a terrible idea and his Draco looked dead within his arms.

People were rushing over. Harry didn't have time to think. He only knew things would somehow get way worse if the blonde was discovered.

_**'My father said he would pull me out of Hogwarts and keep me locked up in the manor if someone finds out about my secrets'** _

_**No!** _

_**Harry couldn't have that. The blonde couldn't be taken away in this state. He would only get worse. He might even... Oh, gods. He can't be taken!!** _

So the brunette cast the best glamour he could given his limited experience and allowed the blonde to be taken away without a single word. He knew this was the only thing he could do with the older Malfoy standing a couple of feet away, but it hurt no less.

The whole event couldn't have lasted more than a few seconds, but the memory was instilled in Harry and, upon remembering how Draco looked, Harry had the horrible thought that the blonde, indeed, would die today, away from Harry and it would be Harry's fault for not forcing his hand.

_**Would he be satisfied? Knowing he pleased his father even if it cost him his life?** _

The thought was a terrible one and Harry only knew he needed to get to Draco as quickly as possible. He ran up to the dorms, threw his invisibility cloak on and sprinted to the hospital wing, where Draco lay, alone and unconscious, under a heave of blankets.

Before Harry could approach him, Pomfrey returned and tried to wake him with a spell. The blonde's body twitched and the witch sighed, looking defeated. Just then, the older Malfoy entered the wing and Harry had to bite his tongue so he wouldn't start screaming at Draco's father for doing this to his son. 

Lucius took one casual look at Draco, then, seemingly unaffected, approached Pomfrey. 

"Why is my son not awake?" he asked the witch. The coldness of his voice made Harry shiver. Pomfrey actually glared at Lucius. 

"To be perfectly honest, Mister Malfoy, I cannot detect a single thing wrong with your son." she started and the older Malfoy breathed out something that sounded like 'incompetent'. 

The witch narrowed her eyes at him but gave no other indication of having heard him. 

" What I am saying, Mister Malfoy, is that it seems wild magic is at play here. Someone is trying to hide this boy's injuries and they seem to be doing a fine job of it." 

Her insinuation was clear and Harry understood, then, why it seemed like she hadn't given Draco any kind of treatment. Lucius had cast spells on his son to ensure his 'injuries' would not be detected, hiding the blonde's weight problem in the process. Another horrible thought went through Harry's mind. 

_**Does his father know?** _

_**Does he just not care?** _

_**Did he really want Draco to beat Harry that badly?** _

_**For Merlin's sake... Draco looks dead already.** _

"Or there is the more simple explanation that there is nothing wrong with the boy and that the game has taken a lot out of him. He's been training at the manor on weekends, as I requested from the headmaster and this has often occurred. He sometimes does not wake up for days. There is nothing more to it. Healers have confirmed that it is a result of stress on his body. The boy is just weak." 

Both Harry and Pomfrey stood completely still, narrowing their eyes at Lucius, astonished by his cold tone and insult. 

Pomfrey seemed to deflate, then said" very well", left an envelope next to the unconscious blonde, and exited the room. Harry wasn't so easy to fool. He had seen through every lie the man had told. But, come to think of it, Draco really was never around on weekends. 

_**He wouldn't lie to me about that, would he?** _

_**He would tell me if he had to go to the manor every weekend.** _

_**Or maybe he wouldn't.** _

_**But why?!** _

_**He had seemed so open and honest and happy with me…** _

_**Too happy, actually.** _

_**Maybe he was lying…** _

Harry was hurt by Draco's blatant dishonesty. Even in the wake of the blonde's accident. When Draco wakes up, Harry needed to have a serious discussion with him. If Draco wakes up… 

**_No!_ **

**_He had to wake up._ **

**_He just had to!_ **

But as the days passed, and the blonde remained unconscious, Harry's resolve faltered. He would sneak into the wing every chance he could, not wanting Draco to be alone when he wakes up. He would whisper things into Draco's ear, careful not to make his presence known under the cloak. Draco didn't show any signs of improvement. 

Even through the glamour, Harry could see how fragile Draco really was and he couldn't help but wonder if this would be the end if he would truly lose his closest friend if the blonde would really die because of a quidditch match. The idea was so utterly ridiculous that Harry would laugh if he didn't feel like crying his eyes out. 

"Would you like some tea, Harry?" 

Harry jumped at the sound of Pomfrey's voice, who was now standing behind him with a sad smile on her face. He remained quiet, thinking he had just imagined the whole thing. 

"You can take the cloak off you've hardly been careful with it today anyway. I sensed a presence the first day young Draco was here and every day since, but I would've never guessed it would be you."

With a loud sigh, Harry threw his cloak onto the bed and turned to look at Pomfrey. 

" His father doesn't necessarily approve of our friendship-" he started, trailing off. 

" I won't say a word." she assured him, then grabbed a chair and sat next to him, looking him in the eye. 

"Do you know when he's going to wake up?" he asked, his breath catching on the last two words. 

The witch placed a tentative hand on Harry's knee, then sighed and soothingly said "This is a self-induced coma with no apparent causes. It's a medical mystery until I can find out the reason he is in this state. As such, it is hard to say." 

She took a deep breath, then continued. 

"But, Harry, no matter the reason, it is very rare for patients to come out of this type of coma-"

_**No!** _

"... Prepare yourself.." 

_**He can't be dead!** _

_**He's right here.** _

_**He's alive!** _

"...Unfortunate..."

_**Stop!** _

_**Stop saying those things!** _

_**He'll come out of this.** _

_**Draco believes in negative energy.** _

_**He thinks it can bring people down** _

_**Maybe yours is making this worse!** _

" Harry, are you alright?" 

_**Maybe that's why he isn't waking up!** _

_**Or maybe it's mine.** _

_**I am trying, Draco!** _

_**What can I do to make this better?** _

_**Wake up and tell me and I promise I'll do it!** _

_**Just wake up!** _

_**Wake. Up!** _

Harry couldn't hear his own screaming pleas or how violently his hands were yanking his hair. He couldn't feel the tears running down his cheek or even the potion Pomfrey forced into his system. 

He only knew that when he woke up, a full day later, Draco's bed was empty and Harry only stared at it in shock, tears spilling constantly down his as he laid still on his side, haunted by the made-up blankets on the bed that was previously occupied by Draco. 

When Pomfrey came in, Harry gave her no attention at all until he heard her say the words he was so desperate for. 

"Mister Malfoy... Woken up… Discharged... Didn't know you were here...he seems fine." 

"He seems fine." Harry echoed back breathlessly, then promptly asked if he could leave. The nurse let him go. 

Harry swiftly left the wing and raced to his room, where a box of cookies was already sitting on his bed.

_**How does he do that?** _

_**Every time I am upset, they just show up.** _

He grabbed the box, determined not to eat even one of the delicious treats and raced to their bathroom, where the blonde, as promised, was waiting, but hidden underneath the sinks, chatting with Myrtle excitedly about something and gesturing to a paper in his hand, then clutching it tightly to his chest as a content sigh left his lips. 

Harry felt his blood run cold as his anger threatened to boil over. He would recognize that paper anywhere. 

_**You've been unconscious for a week, Draco** _

_**I've been crying by your side every day now.** _

_**You weren't responding to anything.** _

_**Pomfrey was almost sure you wouldn't wake up.** _

_**You promised me you wouldn't push yourself** _

_**And you lied, Draco.** _

_**And you lied because you want to please him, so you almost killed yourself doing it.** _

_**It was a miracle you even woke up** _

_**And, still, it seems like all you care about is his letter and his words.** _

Upon thinking of the older Malfoy, Harry's anger only became more well-known. Suddenly, he felt no positive emotions whatsoever towards this self-destructive, selfish Draco, who made Harry watch as he almost died of starvation or a fall from a very, very high drop. 

The blonde heard his footsteps, looked up, then smiled widely, ran towards Harry, hugged him tightly, and pulled away starting to rant. 

"Did you see my father, Harry? Oh it was wonderful! He was so proud of me. He left me a letter in the hospital wing-" Draco stopped, letter in hand, the other hand gesturing towards it. He had finally noticed how pissed Harry was.

**_Good._ **

"You. Almost. Died." Harry hissed through clenched teeth and Draco recoiled "And. All. You. Care. About. Is. Some. Stupid. Letter?" 

Harry quickly grabbed the letter from Draco's hand, crumpling it and sent it flying to the ground where a puddle of water lay. Draco watched, in horror, as the letter became drenched, the words ruined.

"No!" he screamed, tears filling his eyes as he rushed towards the letter, grabbed it carefully, then held it out to Harry. "Why would you do that, Harry?! Please, fix it! Please!"

Harry couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't comprehend a single word or request being uttered out of the blonde's mouth.

_**How is he this stupid?** _

_**Does he not bloody care that he just almost died?** _

_**Does he think that letter is more important than his life?** _

"H-harry?" the blonde asked when he saw Harry give no sign of having heard the request. "Are-are you alright? Are you hurt?" 

Harry only huffed, then remained silent again. Draco retracted the letter slowly and held it to his chest carefully, to not rip it, then looked Harry in the eye and started speaking soothingly.

"Look, Harry, whatever it is, I am sure it will be fine. Please calm down. I-I am just going to go down to the dungeons for one second to fix this and I'll be right back. Please don't leave. I meant what I said. We'll talk about everything. I just need to fix this, alright?" 

The blonde still remained hopeful, optimistic, and happy, despite how pissed off and miserable Harry was and had been for the last week. 

Draco waited another minute in silence before sighing and making an attempt to walk out of the bathroom but stumbling slightly. Harry had had enough. He wasn't going to let Draco leave anyway, but having to catch him only made him realize the graveness of the situation. 

_**Draco hadn't eaten when he woke up?** _

_**He had raced here to tell me and Myrtle about the sodding letter, instead of eating to avoid slipping into another coma?!** _

Harry held both the blonde's arms, his hands disappearing under the glamour. 

"You aren't going anywhere until you eat SOMETHING, Malfoy." Harry hissed through his teeth and Draco flinched at the name, then looked up at Harry wide-eyed, looking panicked. 

"N-no. I-I need to fix the letter, Harry." 

"Liar!" Harry shouted. Draco's eyes widened further and his tears finally started falling. "You could just fix it here! No. You're lying, like you did when you said you'd back out if things got too much. You're just trying to get away from me and sodding die from hunger somewhere and you're using a fucking letter as an excuse. Well, I've had enough of your lies, Malfoy! You're not leaving until you eat!" 

Harry was shouting by the end of his speech, his voice echoing through the walls of the bathroom. 

"I-I am not, Harry. That's not true. I n-need to fix the letter before it's r-ruined forever. Please! I swear-" Draco started, frantic, but slacked in Harry's hold before he could finish. 

Harry didn't think before acting quickly, tightening his hold on the blonde, then slamming him on the nearest wall to keep him upright so he can be fed. Draco was disappearing and dying right in front of Harry. Harry had to do something about it right now or Draco might slip into another coma and never wake up this time. 

_**No!** _

  
  


He frantically accioed the box and pressed a cookie to Draco's lips.

"Eat it!" he half-shouted, half-sobbed. He didn't even know when his eyes had started to water or when his throat had closed up, but they had. 

"M'so dizzy" the blonde murmured and Harry had to put extra effort into holding him up. "hurts, Harry. Hurts..." 

The blonde was on the verge passing out, but he wouldn't open his mouth. Harry felt something pressing against his stomach and looked down to see Draco's arms extended and shoving the letter towards him. Harry looked back up at the blonde, who was staring back at him with half-closed eyelids and pleading eyes. 

Harry nodded slowly, attempting to smile, though he felt like his heart had just broken in half at the scene in front of him. Draco was losing consciousness. He could die. He wasn't even afraid. Harry wasn't even sure the blonde was aware of his presence anymore. Draco was going...and all he cared about was the sodding letter that said his father was proud of him. 

"Alright, Draco, I'll fix it." Harry said, deflated, then quickly cast a reparo on the letter, which Draco instantly folded and shoved down his trousers' pocket, clearly afraid that Harry would change his mind, then he opened his mouth and started to chew the cookie slowly.

After three cookies, Harry was satisfied and sure that the blonde wouldn't collapse. Harry loosened his tight hold and Draco instantly sank to the floor and drew his knees to his chest, then seemed to have a sudden onslaught of energy.

Harry could only watch in horror as the blonde ran, stumbling, and made it into a stall just in time to vomit everything the brunette had just forced him to eat. Harry closed his eyes, and, though it broke his heart, he knew there was no other way. Someone had to know about this, about everything. If this continues for a few more weeks, the blonde would be dead for sure and Harry couldn't let that happen. He had to tell Pomfrey everything. She would know what to do, even if she has to force nutrition potions down the blonde's throat. Harry didn't care how she would go about it, but it was the last day of the semester and Harry was out of options.

_**I am so sorry, Draco** _

_**Sorry that I have to betray your secrets** _

_**And that I couldn't help you** _

_**You've left me no choice...** _

_**You need to get better** _

_**And I'll be on the other side waiting in case you still want to be my friend.** _

"Can you move?" Harry asked Draco in a voice so low that that he didn't even recognize it. The blonde flushed the toilet, then got up and took two steps. The second he was outside the stall, he collapsed and leaned on the wall for support. He looked at Harry with an apologetic gaze and shook his head.

"Alright." the brunette said softly, hating himself for what he was about to do, "Can I have your wand, please?"

Draco looked panicked and Harry's heart sank as he realized the blonde was onto him already.

"I-I don't have it." the blonde murmured, shaking his head lightly, "Why do you need it?"

Draco looked so frightened, so small, so panicked, that Harry knew he had to tell him the truth. The blonde couldn't get away without a wand, so Harry could just cast a locking charm on the bathroom if needed and get Pomfrey to collect Draco from there. An image of doctors having to drag Draco out of the room forcefully and him withering and panicking, trying to get away from them before inevitably collapsing in their hold, assaulted Harry's mind and he had to bite back a sob at the thought of doing this to his angel, but a frightened, upset Draco was better than a dead Draco.

"I-I can't let you leave, Draco. You understand that, right?" Harry said soothingly, trying not to freak the blonde out. It didn't work. Harry was sure Draco would've run if he had the energy and the fact that he didn't only strengthed Harry's belief that this was the only way.

" N-no. I don't understand, Harry. What is this about?" Draco asked, looking around the room, panicked, then gazing up at Harry was wide, pleading eyes. The sight broke Harry's heart.

_**No.** _

_**Stay strong, damn it!** _

_**This is for him.** _

_**It's for me, but also for him.** _

_**He'll die without this.** _

_**Draco will die if I don't do this** _

"Draco, you're dying. I can't let that happen. You haven't eaten. You can barely stand without falling back down. You- you look dead already. I can't stand by and watch this. I am just going to get Pomfrey and she'll know what to do. She'll make you better. Don't you want that?" Harry had to restrain himself from shouting. Surely, Draco was taking the piss if he was asking why Harry needed to do this. Does the blonde really not realize how sick he is?

"No!" Draco screamed, shaking his head, tears falling down his cheeks, "Please don't do this, Harry. I told you I would eat and I did! I wasn't lying to you. I want to get better, but not th-there not with anyone forcing me to. I'll get better on my own. Please-"

"You threw it up!" Harry screamed and Draco flinched, but Harry couldn't find it within himself to care. The blonde was too good at this. Harry had already almost folded three times just by looking at Draco. He couldn't let himself be manipulated. "And-and it wasn't you who ate, even! You were trying to get away from me, if you recall. You were trying to break your promise. I had to force those cookies down your throat and don't you dare claim otherwise. If- if you wanted to get better you wouldn't have made up some excuse about that letter. I can see your wand under the sink, Draco! You could've fixed it here, but you were trying to run. Why? And then you lied about having a wand. Why would you do any of that if you had any intention of getting better? The answer is simple. You don't."

" I wasn't lying." the blonde murmured and Harry exploded.

" You were! And you are right now! Gods Draco-"

"I am not a liar, Harry! I've never lied to you. I did plan on eating and I still am-"

"Then, why-"

"BECAUSE I AM A SQUIB!" the blonde screamed at Harry who instantly stopped trying to leave the room and turned to look at the sobbing blonde. Suddenly, the pieces of the puzzle fit together better and Harry could only watch in horror as Draco silently started to scold himself further. 

_**Oh, Lucius, what have you done?** _


	9. You Don't Even See It

_ There.  _

_ I said it.  _

_ I can't take it back now.  _

_ I had no choice.  _

_ He was going to tell. _

_ He was going to leave me.  _

_ You can't leave me, Harry!  _

_ And then the medical exam would reveal my lack of magic in an instant without my potions or father's magic blocking them.  _

_ It's bad enough I disappointed father by being like this.  _

_ I can't let this news get out and humiliate him in front of the entire Wizarding World.  _

_ He'd never forgive me. _

"What did you just say, Draco?" Harry whispered. 

The blonde looked up to find that Harry was now seated on the floor in front of him, successfully tugging his hands away from his eyes and holding them tightly, rubbing Draco's knuckles with his thumbs. He had that stupid 'I am so sorry for what I almost did' smile plastered on his face and Draco wanted to smack him for it. He took his hands back and put his head in them again. 

"You look sad. You shouldn't look so sad." Draco murmured, feeling very dizzy all of the sudden. He hated himself for it. He hated passing out. He had no control when he was out, or when he was awake for that matter, but still. He had to stay awake through this conversation with Harry. He needed to tell the Brunette to stay with him and not get Pomfrey. He needed to explain, but no words would leave his mouth. He was, once again, a prisoner of his weak, squib body that couldn't even hold him upright at the moment. 

Harry didn't seem to notice what was wrong since Draco was covering his pale face, and kept speaking, though the blonde could barely make out the question Harry had just asked. He could feel himself collapsing and he had to tell Harry before he was out for days again. Suddenly, he couldn't even hold himself in a sitting position anymore, and he crawled over to Harry while the brunette babbled about something, tugging his hair frantically. Then, Draco put his head in Harry's lap. Only then did Harry notice he was on the verge of slipping into another coma. Draco mustered up all the strength he had and breathed out one word, hoping Harry would trust him enough this time. 

"Wand" 

Harry looked confused for a moment, but accioed Draco's wand and handed it over to the blonde, who did the necessary movements then sighed in relief when his vision and hearing became clear again. He closed his eyes for a second, then opened them when he realized their position. He cleared his throat and murmured "sorry" and started to move, but Harry tightened his hold. 

"stay." the blonde heard Harry say in a panicked voice, then nodded hurriedly, not wanting to upset Harry any more than he already has. They stayed in silence for what seemed like hours, then Draco started to speak. 

"I am sorry if I scared you, Harry." he told the brunette with a steady voice, "that was never my intention." 

Harry sighed and Draco felt his shoulders shaking around him. Harry was... chuckling? 

"Scare me?" Harry asked, bitterly, "That's a massive understatement. I was *frightened*, Draco. I thought I was going to lose you. Gods, I don't know what I'd do without you here." 

Draco smiled despite the situation but froze when he heard Harry's next confession. 

"I read the journal, Draco. Not all of it, but until the start of Hogwarts. I was a right arsehole to you, but I would care if you die. Merlin, I wanted to kill you for doing this to yourself." 

Draco felt tears streaming down his cheeks and choked back a sob. 

"I-I couldn't help it, Harry. I had to-" 

Harry only tightened his hold further and sighed. 

"It's alright. You don't need to explain. I just need you to get better." 

At that, Draco moved his wand again and summoned the box of cookies that was left in the corner, then took off a Crum and started to chew in a slow pace, not wanting to vomit again. He continued to do so until an entire cookie was gone, then sighed and moved the box away. He looked up to find Harry watching him with a smile on his face. 

"Thank you." Harry choked out, then embraced the blonde tighter. Draco was sure he wouldn't be able to breathe if the brunette tightened his hold any further, but he didn't mind. What a way to go... Being hugged by his wonderful Harry. 

Then, the blonde remembered what had happened before and he sighed in defeat. 

"This goes without saying, but I'd appreciate it if you don't tell anyone." he whispered. Harry chuckled and Draco wanted to slap him. 

_ How could you laugh about this?  _

_ My life was ruined because of this.  _

_ I had to invent a new way of doing magic.  _

_ I was crucioed because of this.  _

_ I lost the love of my father...  _

"About your food problem? Don't worry. Even Pomfrey couldn't get through your horrible blocking potions, you evil bastard." Harry teased and Draco frowned. 

_ Is he mocking me?  _

_ Or does he not want to talk about it?  _

_ Does it disgust him that much?  _

_ He lives with muggles. I thought he would be fine with it of all people. (I)  _

_ Maybe I should just drop it?  _

_ No. I have to make sure- _

"No. About the magic thing. We don't have to talk about it if it's uncomfortable for you. Lord knows, it is for me, but I am serious about this, Harry. No one knows and no one can know." 

Harry suddenly stiffened and let go of Draco all together. Getting, the message, Draco sighed and moved away, leaning against the wall again. 

_ I do disgust him.  _

_ It shouldn't surprise me.  _

_ I am a Malfoy.  _

_ A squib Malfoy?  _

_ Who wouldn't be disgusted by such a thing?  _

_ Harry is powerful and brave  _

_ And I am a weak, pathetic squib. _

Harry was looking at the floor and Draco contemplated just getting up and going, but he couldn't. He wanted to stay with Harry, wanted them to continue to be friends. Was that just not possible, now? 

"I-I can obliviate you if you'd like. I've had the potion ready since my journal disappeared. I just wish-" Draco started, "I would like it if we could still be friends, Harry. And you kept saying that you enjoyed my company. If you meant that, I could obliviate you and we could still be happy that way." 

Draco kept looking at the brunette, hoping against hope that Harry would agree, or at least look at him. Slowly, Harry lifted his gaze from the floor to the blonde, and Draco's smile dropped in an instant. What he saw on Harry's face was pure, raw disgust. 

"I-I s-see." he said, willing his tears not to fall, "It's alright. I am used to that reaction. I would s-still appreciate it if-if you didn't tell anyone." 

With that, Draco got up and started heading towards the door, but stopped when he heard Harry's cold voice. 

"I don't understand, Draco." he had said. 

The blonde went back to his position in front of the disgusted, furious brunette and willed himself to hold it together. 

"Well, it is unheard of for truly pure families to produce an heir who is not magical, because they are hidden or killed, of course. It is shameful, and while my father does know of my predicament, having the Wizarding world find out-" 

"Not that you daft idiot!" Harry told him softly and Draco flinched at the words. Harry's gaze warmed and he continued "Why are you offering to obliviate me? Do you think I care about something like this? Do you think I would leave you because of it? No, Draco. I've told you that a thousand times and I'll tell you more until you believe it. I. Am. Not. Leaving. You." 

Draco studied Harry's face, and upon seeing no hint of dishonesty, he threw himself at Harry and started to cry. Harry ran a hand through his hair to soothe him, then started to whisper. 

" And, anyway, you just used your wand in front of me twice. How can you be a squib? It doesn't make any sense, Draco. Do you mean to say that your magic is weak? That could just be because of the food thing. You don't have to worry so much." 

Draco chuckled through his sobs and murmured "I wish it were that simple". When Harry looked at Draco, confused, the blonde looked at the floor and told Harry everything. He told him how, as a child, he had learned a lot about potions and That there was literally a potion for everything, including one that mimics spells perfectly. He told him how he had hated not being able to use a wand and practice as a child, the way muggles practice languages and subjects before they enter school. Then, he specified how he had come up with a childish idea that would let children everywhere be able to practice magic without actually using it. Potions could be used to provide an invisible layer above wands that contained compartments, which can hold different potions, including the one that mimics the effect of spells, and these potions could be somehow programmed to be released upon certain instruction or movement. He told Harry about everything he had never told a soul about, his biggest and only accomplishment, the one he planned to hold dear until the day he dies.

"I-I didn't think much of it at the time. It was just a s-stupid idea born of a lonely childhood. But, then, no wand responded to me at the shop. My father was standing right there. I-I panicked and picked one at random. I feel bad for it now, since it never actually gets to cast anything. The first class was on a Friday and it didn't take me long to realize that the wand mishap wasn't just that. I had absolutely no magic to expel. I-I tried for the full two days of the weekend to cast that levitating spell, but nothing came of it. I-I c-couldn't just return to the manor in shame! That would've crucified my family's reputation and I would've never been seen again. I wouldn't have put it past my father to obliviate the entire Wizarding world of my existence. I didn't have time to think, Harry and I w-was s-so scared! I claimed I was sick on the Monday after that weekend and shut myself in Myrtle's bathroom with as many potions books as possible, determined to make my childhood plan work. I didn't sleep at all that night. 24 hours, Harry. That's how long I had to determine the rest of my life. 24 hours and I wasted no time. It worked marginally. It was a test run and my broom levitated to me when I released the potion from the wand. I had to stay ahead of schedule the entire time, though, always needing to know what will be asked of us before it is assigned. I need to prepare my potions in advance. I-I needed to be the perfect Malfoy my father expected, but all that working took a toll and Granger was suddenly better than me. It didn't matter to me. I'd never forget those horrid 24 bloody hours I had to perfect my artificial magic. I remember my father sent a long letter the day after scolding me for missing the second day of classes. I would've found it hilarious if it wasn't all so bloody frightening."

Draco finished with a dark chuckle and was surprised to find that his cheeks were somehow dry by the end. He exhaled deeply. It felt good to tell the story. He only hoped Harry wouldn't make fun of how ridiculous his idea was and start probing him about how he plans to keep it up for the rest of his life. Draco didn't have a single clue. He only knew he had to take it one day at a time.

Harry wasn't saying anything, though, and it freaked Draco out until he looked up and found Harry gaping at him, his green eyes wide and wet.

"You-you...how... What... You-You're brilliant, Draco!" the brunette kept stammering and pulling at his hair. Draco blushed at the compliment and his heart warmed at having finally been recognized for how harder he had it than the others. "I can't believe you did all of that. I would've died before I did that. You shouldn't just outrank Hermione, you should outrank Dumbledore. Draco, you've invented magic. A way for someone who doesn't have the gift to actually have it. How could you ever say a single bad thing about yourself after that? I get that you don't believe me when I compliment you, but this? Merlin, Draco you're absolutely amazing and you don't even see it."

Suddenly, Harry's eyes flickered with sadness and Draco's heart sank.

"I-I do see it!" he blurted and beamed at the smile forming on Harry's face.

_Merlin, how can someone be so beautiful_

"Really?"

Draco quickly nodded.

"I mean, yes, sometimes. I hardly think you're going to leave me anymore and I feel like I am wanted when you're around, you know. And-and I was really sad after my father found out about me, but then you came along and cheered me up and I didn't want to do it anymore."

Alarm and horror flashed in Harry's eyes and Draco realized what he had just said.

" I-I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean to scare you or trap you or anything. It wasn't like that anyhow. It was an emotional time and I am probably remembering it wrong because of all the dizziness, not that I am still on the verge of collapsing or anything-" Draco babbled, trying to cover up what he had said, but was cut off by Harry taking his hands and smiling at him warmly.

"I really, really hope you never want to do it again, Draco. But, if you do, please, please come to me. I can't promise to make you feel better, but I can try. I want to try. Please let me." 

Harry's eyes were even wetter and Draco panicked. He had never seen Harry cry before, not even with all the shit he had been through.

" Of course, Harry. I will, I promise." he said squeezing the brunette's hand tightly in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. "But I do have to leave now."

_ I wish I didn't have to _

_ I wish I could stay here forever with you. _

_ I wish a lot of things weren't the way they are. _

_ But, they are, and I have to go and I have no clue what's going to happen to me this summer. _

Harry nodded and sighed, then let Draco's hands go.

"Of course, and we'll send the letters like we promised?"

Draco smiled. Harry always knew what to say to make leaving a bit easier for the blonde.

"Yes. Give the potion to Hedwig and she'll look like Blaise's owl, then father won't suspect anything. And, Harry? Please don't forget to write."

The brunette smiled and nodded, then watched Draco leave the bathroom with a smile on his face for the first time since they've become friends.

**End of Part I**


	10. His Draco, His angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Chapters 8 and 9 have been completely changed, so I'd suggest to go back and read them so you won't be lost. 
> 
> 2) This chapter and the next will be very Harry-centric, and they will end in them becoming more than friends. That's mainly because of the tournament and how emotional Harry always becomes after having to be with the Dursleys for three months.

**Part 2**

Harry counted down the seconds until the summer ended. He was starving, sitting alone in his room with only his thoughts and Draco's letters to keep him company. The letters helped, but they couldn't make up for the horrible words and beatings he endured at the hands of the Dursleys. It was at times like these that he especially missed Draco fussing over him and making him food so he would feel better.

**_Gods, I miss his cookies and hot meals_ **

**_I miss him..._ **

Draco's letters were the only light spot in his summer and he was glad he hadn't yet been caught sending Hedwig off from Dudley's unbarred window. It felt like the most wonderful freedom he could have in that prison. He had carefully avoided answering any questions the blonde had about his home life and if Draco had noticed, he didn't say anything. 

He knew he couldn't speak to Draco when he saw him on the train, and he wasn't even expecting the blonde to acknowledge his existence in public, as much as it pained them both. But... The way that Draco had looked at him - like he was in pain over seeing Harry - told the brunette he had been caught. Draco had that look in his eyes, the 'I need to take care of you now' look, but it was mixed with a fury Harry had never seen Draco show before. 

It didn't matter, though, because everything had changed when his name was called out for the tournament. He subtly threw a glance over to the slytherin table to see how the blonde felt about the whole ordeal, but Draco had stormed off, leaving all the other slytherins whispering about him.

Afterward, Harry didn't know what to think or how to feel. Ron had abandoned him, just like eleven year-old Draco had once warned Harry, and Harry felt like he was breaking down. Everything was too much and he needed to see Draco so the blonde could make it all better. He had wandered into the bathroom and waited, leaning against the walls, far away from the sinks. Draco showed up seconds later and he looked infuriated but sad.

"I missed you so much." Harry breathed out without thinking it through. Draco blushed furiously and Harry had to stomp down that same jittery feeling in his chest that he got whenever he thought of Draco. He got up to hug Draco but the blonde moved away, looking all red and furious, yet somehow small, as a child would before they stomp their feet.

"You lied to me. You said you would never lie to me." Draco whispered, looking at the floor and wrapping his arms around himself. 

_**You're so cute...** _

_**Wait, what did you just say?** _

"What do you mean?" 

Draco looked up at him with wide sad eyes and Harry just wanted the conversation to be over. 

"You said you were fine, that your summer was fine, that you were happy. You look like you were thrown to the wolves, Harry." 

Instantly, boxes of basically everything that Harry liked to eat appeared around them without Draco doing anything, and Harry beamed at him for the thought, but still had no appetite. 

"I'll eat later, Draco. I am not really in the mood now." Harry told him with what he hoped was a soothing voice. 

_**Please stop looking like that** _

_**You were so happy the last time we spoke...** _

The blonde seemed frantic, pulling at his sleeves and looking all over Harry's body again. Then, he took Harry’s hands and placed them on his own chest, sitting the brunette down against the wall again, just the opposite of how they had been sat before leaving for the summer. Draco smiled at Harry and started to whisper shakily. 

"Harry, you can tell me the truth. Do you have some kind of fatal muggle disease that's taken over your appetite?" he choked out, his horribly sad, wet eyes never leaving Harry's. Harry got so lost in them, he forgot to answer the question entirely and the blonde seemed to take that as confirmation as he tried and failed to hide the horrified look in his eyes. 

“Oh… oh God!” the blonde all but screamed, letting go of Harry’s hand and throwing his face into his own. Harry stared at Draco in horror, forgetting the question altogether as he watched the blonde tremble with pain. 

“What’s wrong?” Harry asked, sighing and not really having the energy to comfort Draco. It had been a really horrible day and it hurt that the blonde hadn’t even asked Harry how he felt about the suicide tournament. Draco looked up at him in disbelief through red-rimmed eyes. 

“You-you’re dying and you’re asking me what’s wrong?” he sobbed out, looking at Harry like he was crazy. Only, then, did Harry remember Draco’s question. He laughed and shook his head. 

“Sorry. I meant to say no. I got distracted. You know, tournament and all?” he asked jokingly, purposely bringing up the apparently forbidden topic. Draco instantly exhaled in relief. 

“So, you’re not dying?” Draco asked, his smile slowly returning and his eyes lighting up. Harry’s heart seemed to leap at the scene and he nodded happily, glad he got the blonde out of his needy, panicked state early this time. But, as he thought this, the smile on the blonde’s face instantly vanished and Harry growled internally. 

_**What have I done, now?** _

The blonde narrowed his eyes at Harry then asked in a quivering voice "W-what tournament?" 

Harry looked at the blonde as if he were insane. 

_**Did he really not know?** _

_**Was he not there during the feast?** _

"Harry, you-you can't be seriously considering competing!" Draco shrieked out, taking Harry's hands back in his and looking into his eyes pleadingly. 

Harry shook his head. 

"It's not my choice. I've been chosen. I can't get out of it!" Harry told him frantically, pulling at his hair. 

The blonde paled at Harry's words and let go of his hands completely, wrapping his arms around himself. 

"You-you don't understand. You have to get out of it!" 

"Of course I understand. I was the one whose name got called out. I understand-" 

"No, you don't! You'll die Harry! You'll actually die this time. I-I can't-" 

Draco was tugging at his hair and his sleeves, then wrapping his arms around himself again. He was simply frantic, his face completely red and he was pacing around the bathroom now. Harry chuckled despite himself. Draco always overreacted to everything. Sure, the tournament was dangerous, but no contestant had ever died before. Draco was always so terrified over Harry, the brunette found it adorable. 

The blonde turned suddenly, then seemed to pale even more. 

"You… you're laughing at me." he said in a small voice, then shrank back within himself. "You-you know how terrified I am over losing you and you're still laughing about it." 

Harry frowned at how upset Draco had gotten all of the sudden. 

"Draco, it's not that. I just think you're cute when you overreact." Harry said hoping the blonde would blush at the compliment then move on. Draco wasn't having it. 

"Oh, so you think my fear over you and your impending death is cute?" Draco screeched and Harry couldn't suppress a laugh at how ironic the question was. Draco instantly turned red and started to sob. 

"Y-you know what, H-Harry? Fuck you! You have N-no idea how hard it is f-for m-me. The th-thought of losing you… It Keeps me awake almost every night. You- danger always follows you around, Harry! You can't deny it. And-and it only got worse during the summer because I just-I knew. I could tell something was wrong and I was powerless to stop it and then you show up h-here looking l-like you've been starved and I've had nightmares about finding you dead or hearing about it. It's awful. And-and then you come here and laugh at m-me and s-say I am overreacting. I-I am not crazy, Harry! I am just someone who l-loves you and would rather kill themselves then see you get h-hurt!" 

Harry's heart stopped as Draco started to walk away from him. 

_**He doesn't care about the attention** _

_**He doesn't care about the tournament** _

_**Draco is worried to death about me** _

_**How could I have not seen this?** _

_**He loves me… He Actually does, unconditionally.** _

_**Is this what it feels like to be wanted for once?** _

Despite himself, Harry started shaking with an assault of emotions for the blonde. Guilt, passion, love, gratitude… Draco was everything to Harry...Absolutely everything. He loved Harry since Harry was a year old and he never stopped, even when Harry was an arsehole to him. He's so forgiving, so cute, so loving, so generous. He's perfect and Harry was hurting him. 

Only, then did Harry notice one of the food boxes was gift-wrapped. It had a note that said 'Harry Birthday, Harry. I wish one day I'll be able to be there to celebrate with you.' 

Harry burst into tears, but it was too late. Draco was gone and Ron was gone and his parents were gone and Sirius and Remus were gone and Harry was alone. He had chased away his Draco, his angel, the best thing that had ever happened to him and he wasn't so sure he could get it back this time. 


	11. He likes me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Chapters 8,9, and 10 have changed completely. I'd suggest reading them before reading this chapter so you won't get lost. Enjoy!

_ Nice going _

_ Threw another tantrum did you?  _

_ You bloody child!  _

_ Go back!  _

_ He probably doesn't want to see you, anyway.  _

_ Who could blame him?  _

_ Insufferable freak  _

"Insufferable freak" Draco spat at himself, curling into a ball on his bed. He suddenly felt an arm curling around his middle and he yelped, but couldn't scramble away as the arm held on tighter and the other joined. He heard a choked sob in his ear and then the most heartbreaking sentence. 

"I know. I know I am, but please don't leave me!" Harry wailed and the blonde froze.

_ This is bad.  _

_ My Harry never cries.  _

_ At least I haven't seen him do it. _

Guilt and dread filled the blonde as he envisioned his Harry crying alone at his home whilst writing Draco happy letters just to reassure the blonde and not make him worry. 

_ You're way too kind to me, Harry _

_ You should be kinder to yourself.  _

The blonde instantly wiggled out of Harry's hold, ignoring how the brunette kept crying out and sobbing for him not to leave, then turned and yanked Harry's invisibility cloak off of him. His chest clenched at the sight. His Harry was shaking uncontrollably, lying on his side with his arms outstretched for Draco to return, his cheeks impossibly wet from tears, his eyes red and wide and wet and pleading and so so sad and Draco couldn't take it. Before he knew what he was doing his lips were on Harry's, kissing them passionately, communicating all the things Draco needed Harry to just understand already. 

_ I'll never leave you. _

_ I can't ever think of doing that.  _

_ You're everything to me, Harry.  _

_ What's wrong with you that you can't see that?  _

_ You're perfect  _

_ Merlin, you're perfect  _

The blonde was snapped out of his thoughts to realize that Harry wasn't responding to him at all. He pulled back as if burned and scrambled all the way to the end of the bed, leaning on the headboard for support as he looked at Harry's shocked expression. 

"I-I didn't mean to- I don't- I am not…" the blonde started stammering, searching his mind for any excuse for his temporary insanity, "Please, forgive me, Harry. I didn't mean it. I-I take it bac-" 

He didn't even get to finish the word. Harry was on him in an instant, pressing their lips together, then he pulled away for a second to whisper shakily "D-don't you d-dare take it back", then continued to passionately kiss the blonde. Draco kissed back like a hungry man that has just been fed for the first time in years. 

They kept at it for what felt like hours, until Harry pressed his tongue against Draco's lower lip, seeking entrance. The blonde giggled and said "Harry!" teasingly, shoving him away, but stopped laughing when he saw Harry frowning deeply. 

_ What?!  _

_ Come on!  _

_ We were happy for almost an entire minute!  _

_ Can't we leave it at that?  _

_ What have I done now, Harry?  _

_Unless…_

"Y-you didn't need to do that. I wouldn't leave if you didn't feel the same way. Honest, Harry, I just want you to be happy." 

"Then why'd you just push me away?" Harry asked, confused. Draco mirrored his emotions. 

"Weren't you… trying to tickle me? With your tongue?" 

"With my…" Harry started, then he smiled widely at the blonde, seeming to have some kind of realization. 

"What?" Draco asked, trying not to sound angry. 

"You've never done this before, have you?" Harry asked, get closer to Draco's face again. 

"Have you?" Draco asked, looking at Harry as if he had been slapped. 

"No!" Harry said quickly, but I've - I've seen it sometimes, in the muggle world and they always did it like that. 

"With their tongue?" Draco asked, confused. The only thing he knew about relationships was That they were straightforward: kissing - love - courting - marriage - children. 

Harry laughed when the blonde expressed his knowledge, then hugged Draco tightly. The blonde never wanted the moment to end. 

_ Oh Merlin, he likes me back!  _

_ I kissed him and he kissed me back and he likes me back _

_ I feel like I am dreaming, but I don't want to pinch myself _

When he pulled away, Harry shoved the wrapped box towards the blonde, insisting that he give it back to Harry when he deserves it. The blonde was confused by the statement and pressed the box into Harry's hands, eyeing him curiously. 

_ Something is wrong with my Harry _

_ It's very clear _

_ He isn't like this.  _

_ He knows he deserves the gift.  _

_ Why wouldn't he?  _

Harry pulled out the silver bracelet with the red gemstone and stared at it in awe. Draco beamed. 

_ He likes it…  _

_ He likes what I made…  _

_ He likes me… _

"It's a communication device. Like with muggle cellphones but with more privacy. You press the stone once to talk to me, again to close the connection and twice in a row to shut me up. You don't have to talk, though. It communicates what you would've said had we been speaking. Reads your thoughts in a sense, but protects your secrets, though I hope you don't have any from me. I have the same one, see? We can talk all the time and I can make sure you're not dead." 

Draco ended with a joke that was too close to the truth. He had to choke back a sob and force a smile, but Harry already had tears rolling down his cheeks again as he put it on and started to kiss Draco, thanking him for the wonderful present and saying he wished he could've gotten something for the blonde, too. 

Draco waved him off, but he couldn't get the panic to leave his chest. Something wasn't right with Harry and he was determined to help in any way. They feel asleep in each other's arms before Harry had to sneak out in the morning under his cloak. 


	12. You're just perfect

Harry sighed as he yet again waited for Draco forever in Myrtle’s bathroom. He had been doing that too often. It was strange. The night before the first task, Draco had snuck into Harry’s room, snuggled up next to him, and, come morning, held onto Harry so tightly, Harry thought he would have bruises later in the day. 

“What if you just don’t go?” he had asked and Harry sighed. They had been having the same conversation since Hagrid revealed the first challenge included a dragon. Draco was terrified every single second of every single day, to the point where he started checking in on Harry through the bracelet even when Harry was in the loo. The brunette didn’t mind. He thought it was cute how much Draco was always worried and he knew the blonde was very paranoid about losing their relationship for some reason, so he let Draco fuss over him. It was also nice to have someone who cares so much *all* the time. 

He pulled away from the blonde and locked eyes with him. He was about to firmly tell Draco to let go since he was going to be late, but how could he be tough with his angel? He held the blonde’s hands in his own and recounted his plan to get out of the task scratch-free, then started kissing every inch of Draco’s face while saying “I. Will. Be. Absolutely. Fine.”

Although he pouted, Draco begrudgingly let go of Harry. The brunette expected the same treatment for the second task, but the blonde had been giving him the silent treatment for a while now. Draco was pissed when Harry forgave Ron without even letting him have it, but he shrugged it off because it was none of his business. He felt insanely jealous when Harry had asked Cho to the dance, despite the brunette’s insistence that he would’ve taken Draco if it were safe. Harry knew, deep in his gut, that that wasn’t the truth. He hadn’t come out to his friends and Rita’s articles had the entire wizarding world hating him. He couldn’t have imagined the scandal it would cause to take Draco to the dance. Of course, he couldn’t say any of that to his already paranoid and upset boyfriend, so he tried to reassure him. After he and Ron decided to double-date with the twins, though, Draco whined about it constantly and started becoming insecure. Harry had called him unreasonable and the blonde didn’t take that too well. 

The morning of the second task, though, Harry felt his stone heat up. 

“Hi,” Draco told him and Harry smiled. He freaked out when Draco had stopped speaking to him and assumed the worst, but the blonde couldn’t stay away while Harry was distraught about holding his breath underwater. “I am still angry with you, but I couldn’t stand back and let you go to the task without my ‘overreactions’ to accompany you, as you call them. Don’t answer me. I just wanted to wish you good luck and tell you not to die and let you know that Dooby has asked about a substance for your assistance with the water thing. I’ve sent it with him. I love you. Again, don’t die.” 

Harry didn’t press the stone to talk to Draco after the second task, despite how much he wanted to thank him, especially after the gillyweed came through. When he had emerged from the water, he noticed the blonde stomping off and knew he was in trouble. But, despite it all, Harry found the blonde waiting on his bed when he got back to the dorms. He lunged forward and kissed Draco passionately, ignoring the frightened look the blonde had on his face. 

“I don’t like him.” Draco said into the kiss, ruining it entirely. Harry sighed and pulled away. 

“Who?” 

“Who do you think? He-he left you and you were so sad for so long and then he just comes back and barely apologizes. He’s not nice. It’s clear he means a lot to you since he was your person in today’s task, but I-I don’t want him to hurt you again.” the blonde finished with a pout. Harry smiled despite himself. 

“Draco, I need you to listen to me,” Harry said soothingly, taking Draco’s small hands in his, “He can’t hurt me anymore. I know what he’s like. The only person I would be hurt if he left me is you. You’re my favorite. I am sure if people had known that, I would’ve had to rescue you today instead of Ron. But, I am glad they don’t know because that would’ve been just-” 

Harry was cut off by Draco capturing his lips in another kiss. Harry gave himself a mental high-five. They had successfully gotten over their first major fight and Harry was back in Draco’s good graces. 

After a few minutes of them making out on the bed, Harry was lost in Draco’s body. His hands trailed every clothed inch. To the waist. They had always stopped there, but Harry couldn’t this time. He had a sudden want, no *need*, to see more of Draco, to touch and taste his skin, to make him moan in pleasure. His hands undid the buttons to Draco’s shirt and gently took it off of him, his hands flying to touch the perfect muscles and smooth skin, completely unaware of the fact that it was all just a more powerful glamour Draco had created. 

Though he felt something was off, Harry shrugged and continued, wanting to give something back to his perfect Draco, who had been nothing but kind and loving despite Harry’s many flaws. The moment Harry’s hands went to Draco’s trouser buttons, the blonde squeaked and moved away. 

“Wha-what are you doing?” the blonde asked, visibly confused. Harry chuckled. 

_**God, I love how innocent you are** _

_**You’re just perfect.** _

Harry crawled to where the blonde was and pushed him back until he was lying on the bed completely. Draco eyed him curiously and Harry chuckled again, then shot him a deep grin. 

"Trust me, Draco. You're really going to like this." 

Draco still looked scared, but once he nodded, Harry instantly climbed atop him, determined to show Draco how much pleasure physical intimacy can get him. Harry frowned when he pulled down Draco's trousers to find the blonde completely limp, but figured it was just nerves and continued, reaching out to palm him. Harry heard Draco whimper and his head cleared of all thoughts except making the blonde come. 

Harry eagerly stroked his boyfriend's shaft with one hand, using the other to fondle his bullocks and touch his thighs. He almost stopped a few times, alarmed by how fake the body under him seemed to be, but Draco's writhing and continuous moans told him he should keep going. Minutes passed and. Nothing happened. The blonde, it seemed, was lost in the sensations and pleasure of the act, but his cock was still as limp as it had been when Harry started. Harry's arm got tired and he slumped in defeat, a million thoughts running through his mind. 

_**What just happened?** _

_**He was having fun** _

_**He sounded like he was having the time of his life for crying out loud!** _

_**I had to put silencing charms up…** _

_**Was he faking it for me?** _

_**Oh Gods, did he completely hate that?** _

_**Or is he just not attracted to me?** _

_**He's so nice…** _

_**Maybe he is forcing himself to do this for me** _

_**Because he doesn't want to lose me?** _

_**Because he knows I am in love with him?** _

_**He's never initiated anything physical before.** _

_**I've wanked off more times than I can count and he doesn't really seem affected by the sexual tension around us.** _

_**Maybe that's because it's only around me…** _

He looked up to see that Draco had shut his eyes so tightly that it could be painful and that there were tear streaks running down his cheeks. He retracted his hand completely and Draco sighed. As soon as Harry sat up and moved cautiously next to the blonde, Draco snuggled his chest and sighed again. 

"That was… really nice, Harry. Thank you." the blonde whispered wetly, then sniffled. Harry had to suppress a groan at how horribly the night had gone. 

* * *

Draco didn’t know what to think of what had just happened. One moment everything was alright and they were having fun, the next moment Harry decided to punish him? And then there was only agonizing pain. Draco felt as though his bones were breaking. He wanted to scream. He wanted it to stop, but Harry seemed like he was having fun. He was just so passionate about it, that Draco didn't have the heart to say anything, so he let it happen. Harry was bound to tire sooner or later. But, still, the blonde couldn't help moaning or writhing in pain. It was all too much and Harry didn't seem to care. Mostly, Draco was just confused. 

_ Why is Harry doing this to me?  _

_ He said he would never hurt me.  _

_ He also said I would like this?  _

_ How could he think that?  _

_ He must know how much it hurts to have someone touch him down there.  _

_ Or maybe he doesn't.  _

_ But then why would he do this at all?  _

_ Does he like it when people touch him?  _

_ Does he think I would?  _

_ Or does he like it when he makes me suffer?  _

_ Is he mad at me for not speaking to him before the task?  _

_ Is he punishing me for it?  _

_ But that doesn't sound like my Harry… _

Finally, finally Harry stopped and Draco exhaled in relief. Harry was looking at him, waiting for something. He looked disappointed. 

_ Oh, I was supposed to like this _

"That was… really nice, Harry. Thank you." Draco said, snuggling into Harry's chest, then tried to kiss his boyfriend's lips. Harry moved away and Draco's heart stopped. 

_ Was I bad again?  _

_ Please don't be mad at me, Harry. _

_ " _ Draco, I don't understand. If you liked it then why didn't you respond and why were you crying?" 

_ I thought that's what you wanted _

_ And respond to what?  _

Draco started to cry. Not knowing what he did wrong and having Harry look so sad was getting to him. The brunette hugged him tightly, but Draco pulled away. He had been bad. He didn't deserve comfort. He was also sure his glamour wasn't at its best given the pain he had just endured. 

"M'sorry Harry." the blonde murmured, then sniffled. Harry sighed and moved away. 

_ This is it _

_ He's going to leave me.  _

_ I've disappointed him again.  _

_ Merlin, what's wrong with me?  _

"Draco, are you not attracted to me?" Harry asked. His voice sounded pain. 

"No!" Draco screamed before Harry had even finished the question, "I think you're the most handsome man in the world. I've told you that before and I wasn't lying." 

Now, Harry just seemed confused and Draco couldn't figure out what was happening for the life of him. What did he do that would ever make Harry think he wasn't beautiful? 

" Then, why don't you ever touch me? And why didn't you, you know, get hard?" 

Harry was blushing furiously and Draco would've found it adorable if the questions weren't so confusing. 

"I-I don't understand what 'get hard' means, Harry. But I- of course, I didn't want to touch you. I never wanted to cause you any pain! I would've never thought you would like that. Do you?" 

Draco was frantic. He wanted Harry to be happy. He wanted to give the brunette everything he wants, but hurting him? That might be the only thing Draco couldn't do for his Harry. 

Harry's eyes visibly darkened, then narrowed. His voice started to shake. 

"A-are you s-saying that y-you were in p-pain just now?" Harry asked, now holding Draco's hand tightly. The blonde searched his eyes. Harry was frightened! 

_ Oh.  _

_ This must not happen to him.  _

_ It's just me again.  _

_ I've always been a freak.  _

_ Why am I not surprised?  _

_ But Harry wanted me to enjoy this and I cried and ruined his gift.  _

_ God, I am so awful! _

"No! I-I liked it, honest! Harry, thank you." 

But Harry didn't seem convinced and Draco felt his glamour starting to visibly fade. He needed to leave immediately. 

"I-I have to go, Harry. I'll see you soon." he said quickly, then turned to leave, but Harry caught his arm to try and get him to stay, then stared disbelieving at the spot where his hand once again disappeared. 

Draco heard the voices of the other Gryffindor boys get nearer and he hurriedly released an invisibility potion with his wand then yanked his arm free of Harry's grip and ran out the door, feeling his boyfriend's horrified gaze on his back the entire time. 


	13. You're Cursed, Draco

Harry was frantic. He had too many thoughts. Too many emotions. There were too many things going on. He needed to speak to Draco but he didn't even know where to start. The glamour? The lack of knowledge about anything sexual? The pain he felt when Harry touched him? How he had hid it? He thought he was done being shocked by what Draco says and does, but this? Something was horribly wrong with the blonde and Harry was almost certain he knew what it was. Draco had tried to hide it, but Harry had heard him and was horrified at the realization. Draco was in pain… Because of Harry. 

Hermione had spoken about something, a curse! That's what it was. It was a chastity curse for parents. Hermione had gone on and on about how horrifying it was and how inhumane it is. She said it should be classified as an unforgivable. Harry wasn't listening and he hated himself for it now. He didn't remember the symptoms or the side effects or even the name of the curse, but he did remember the most important thing. It caused pain almost as bad as that caused by the crutacious curse whenever someone gets near the victim's private parts. 

"Oh God!" Harry cried out when the realization hit him. He was horrified and ransacked with guilt, but, mostly he was furious with Draco. 

_**Why didn't he tell me?!** _

_**Gods, I want to kill him.** _

_**How could he let me go on like that?** _

_**While he was basically being tortured…** _

_**What is wrong with him?** _

_**Unless…** _

_**Did he think I knew?** _

_**He told me he didn't want to hurt me** _

_**Did he think everyone felt pain when…** _

_**Did he think I was doing it to him on purpose?** _

The horrifying realization left Harry in tears. Why had the blonde apologized to Harry when Harry was the one causing him pain? It didn't make any sense! 

Harry was heartbroken and he decided everything else would have to wait. He needed to go to the library now and know what exactly was wrong with Draco and then he needed to speak with the blonde. He threw his invisibility cloak on and left for the library, dreading what he would find. 

It was worse than he thought. 

_ 'Victim of the curse cannot touch himself without feeling unrelenting pain…'  _

_ 'Similar to the multiple breaking of bones and shredding of organs from the inside' _

_ 'Used in some pureblood families to keep heirs from being produced out of wedlock and force victims to remain pure until they are married. Victims are more commonly women, but the curse of pudicitiam, or purity, is often used to stop homosexual heirs from acting in their desires… ' _

_ ' Victims do not and can never feel any type of arousal or pleasure from physical intimacy until the curse the lifted. Viewing physical intimacy or thoughts of it may bring pleasure, but cannot be acted upon in any way.' _

**Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.**

**That does it.**

**Lucius needs to be in Azkaban**

**I have to convince Draco of it.**

**Oh.**

**Draco…**

**My sweet angel.**

**Why would he stay quiet when I was hurting him?!**

**Doesn't he know how much that hurts me?**

Harry waited for the blonde in the bathroom, telling him through the bracelet that he needed to speak to him. But when Draco arrived, he looked absolutely frightened, walking into the bathroom with caution. Harry's chest clenched. He suggested they continue in the chamber of safety and Draco quickly agreed. 

As soon as they were sat on the couch, Harry opened his mouth to apologize, but the terrified look in his Draco's eyes stopped him. The silver eyes had widened and then dulled almost as if in defeat. 

_**Does Draco think I am going to break up with him?** _

_**How? How could he think that?** _

_**Doesn't he know how much I love him?** _

_**Doesn't he know he's everything to me?** _

"P-please stop doing that." he heard the blonde whisper. Only then did he notice how violently he had been tugging at his hair. "You-you do that a lot nowadays. I know I am driving you crazy-" 

"No!" Harry all but yelled, taking the blonde's hands and looking him in the eye, effectively cutting him off. "Never say that! Ever! Draco, you know how much I love you, right?" 

Draco's eyes widen comically. He looked like a cartoon character, gaping yet smiling at the same time, somehow. 

"What?!" Harry screamed, wishing he had any way to read the blonde's mind. It was frustrating having a conversation with Draco but it was worth it until the blonde didn't tell him about the pain. 

"You've never said it to me before." Draco whispered, looking at the floor, "You've never told me you loved me. I didn't know you did." 

Harry stared at the blonde who wasn't meeting his eyes, shocked. He scrambled in his mind, going through all their times together. He must've… He did, didn't he? He felt it… He-he thought it enough times, but…

**_I never said it_ **

Harry was angry at himself, at Lucius, at the distracting world around them. All he wanted to do was scoop up Draco and take him far away from everything. Draco was perfect and Harry wasn't treating him well and Draco didn't care because he just loved Harry that much. Harry was hurting at the realization. He clamped his hand tighter around the blondes' and used the other one to take Draco's chin and force him to look at Harry. There were tears in his eyes. Harry sighed. He had messed up again. 

"Draco, I need you to listen very carefully to me." Harry started, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, "I love you more than anything and I am not good with words and I may not show it as well as you do, but I do feel that way. I do. I love everything about you and everything you do for me and-and, Merlin, Draco, you're just perfect. And I never want to break up with you, but-" 

Harry forced himself to continue despite the horrified look Draco had in his eyes that were so happy only a second earlier. He had to do this. He knew he had to do this. There was no other way. 

"Draco, what happened yesterday... It-it can't happen again! I didn't know I was hurting you. Am I correct in assuming you thought I did know?" 

Draco remained silent and Harry had his answer. He had to choke back both a sob and a yell at the same time. 

"I-I didn't know! Draco, it's not supposed to feel like that. You're cursed. I think your father cursed you and you never knew about it. Touching you there is supposed to make you happy. It's something lovers do, you know that, right?" 

Draco blushed furiously and shook his head. 

_**What?** _

_**How is that possible?** _

_**Hasn't he…** _

"Draco, You've-you've wanked before, right?"

Draco tilted his head to the side and stared at Harry in confusion. 

" I don't know what that is, Harry. I just know it's something bad, hence the word 'wanker', but I'll do it if you want me to." the blonde stammered, staring at Harry pleadingly. 

Harry would've laughed at that if he wasn't so shocked at the answer. 

_**How?** _

_**What?** _

_**Why?** _

_**When had his father done this?** _

_**He's a 14-year-old boy!** _

_**How has he been this… Innocent all this time?** _

"It's something good, Draco. It's a part of how someone gets pregnant. I've read the journal. I know you wanted to be the one to conceive your kids. How did you think that would happen?" Harry pressed on, uncomfortable, but still unable to process what he was hearing. 

If possible, Draco blushed even more. 

" I-I figured it was a spell my husband would cast on me after we marry." he said, searching Harry's eyes for answers to questions he didn't even know he had. 

_**Oh.** _

"that's not it, Draco. It's done through other, physical means." 

Draco shot him a mortified look. 

"Is that what you were trying to do yesterday? Get me-" 

"No!" Harry yelled, horrified at the insinuation, "No. Draco, I was trying to bring you pleasure. The way it's done also brings someone pleasure. If we had went all the way, I mean, did the thing people do to have a baby, it wouldn't have resulted in anything. As you know, you need to take a potion for that." 

Draco exhaled, then shot Harry a look. 

"Are you saying my father cursed me to never have a family of my own?" he asked, his face crumpled and so sad. 

"I don't know what his intention was, Draco, but I can only assume it was to keep you away from me. You-you said the journal said something about me… did you talk about a crush or something in later pages?" 

Draco nodded, visibly devastated at his father's actions, then his eyes grew dark and that fury Harry had hoped never to see again returned to them. He started speaking in a vicious, low, cold voice that Harry didn't recognize. 

"You-you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and-and he wanted to take you away? He-he wanted me to be in pain when I should've felt good that you were touching me? He-he would do that to me?" the blonde whispered, shocked and devastated, eyes downcast, seemingly speaking to himself." I knew he disapproved of my preference, but I-I thought he would get over it. I-I thought he would change his mind when he sees how h-happy I am with you. I am his son. Why doesn't he care about my happiness? Is it because I don't have any magic? But, Merlin, I don't understand why he cares about that either. I don't understand why anyone does. What's magic done but cause me pain and drive you away from me? Gods, I hate him." 

Draco was yelling by the end of his rant. Harry hated himself for how happy he felt at the moment. He hated the fact that Draco was in pain, of course, but the blonde was **finally** realizing how horrible his father is. It was a dream come true for Harry. 

"Draco, I-" Harry started, intending on comforting his boyfriend, but Draco cut him off. 

"How can you undo the curse? Is it complicated?" the blonde asked, and Harry could see the fury still remained. He loved it. At least it was better than Draco crying about how he had failed as a boyfriend and a son, as Harry had expected him to. 

"Er-no. It's a simple spell. I could do it now. I have it memorized." Harry said, beaming at the thought of Draco defying his father and giving himself satisfaction for once. 

But Draco seemed to panic when Harry drew his wand. 

"No!" he yelled, then composed himself and said more calmly, "No. After you cast this spell, I want you and I to go 'all the way' as you referred to it. I want to know, Harry. I want you to show me like you tried yesterday and I don't want either of us to hold back." 

Harry's cock twitched at the serious, assertive voice of his otherwise adorable and submissive boyfriend. 

" Well, I could show you now. What's the problem? Draco, I don't want you to be in pain for one more second. Does this happen when you piss? 

Draco blushed and Harry growled. This was horrible. 

" Y-yes, but you don't understand, Harry. I can handle a few more days. But I want the day you cast the spell to be the day you get to show me and I won't be able to feel it, otherwise." 

"Why not?" Harry asked kind of hurt that Draco wasn't already 'feeling it' because of him. 

The blonde seemed to read his thoughts. 

"It's got nothing to do with you, Harry. I meant it. You're very handsome. I-I-IjustwontbeabletofeelanythingyoudowhenIamglamouredandIwonttakeitoff." 

The blonde had hurried through the confession, then looked the floor, but Harry had heard everything and he was furious. 

"Why. Not?!" he yelled and Draco flinched, "Are-are you still not eating well? Draco-" 

Harry shot his boyfriend a horrified look and the blonde then sighed in defeat. 

"No. I am, Harry, but it's been hard and I haven't been able to look as good as I wanted to. You-you liked the way I looked yesterday, Harry. You said you yourself while you were- well, you said I was perfect and I want to be perfect for you. I've been working on another potion. It's permanent and-" 

" NO!" Harry yelled," I didn't mean it like that, Draco. You're perfect in any form and I don't want you taking that potion. Promise me you won't take that potion! It may cause damage or-or you might not get your senses back. Do you really want that? Not to be able to feel me touch you, ever? It's not worth it, Draco. Please don't be so stupid. I can't lose you!" 

Harry was screaming by the end of it and Draco looked at him like he was insane, then burst out laughing. Harry huffed. 

" You sound like me when I am worried about you. Now I understand why you sometimes find it annoying." Draco said between laughs and Harry smiled. This felt right. This felt like them again. 

"Imagine having to deal with it 24/7 you tosser!" he teased back and Draco laughed even harder and apologized. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" he asked the blonde and a pale eyebrow shot up. Harry laughed and raised his hands in defeat. 

"I love it when you worry about me like that." Harry whispered and Draco blushed. 

"Really?" he asked, incredulously. 

"Yeah. My relatives don't exactly worry about me like that, or at all even. It hurts sometimes. Ron and Hermione love me, but they don't really worry. Gods, I get entered forcibly into a death tournament and the first thing he does is drop me as a friend." Harry murmured bitterly, then felt Draco squeeze his hand. He looked up to find that the blonde had moved closed to him on the couch. 

" Are you ever going to tell me about what happened this summer, Harry?" he asked soothingly, his thumb rubbing Harry's knuckles. Only then did Harry have a horrible realization. Seeing that the blonde was distracted, Harry squeezed his hand agonizingly, to the point where he was sure bones would break had the hand been real. Draco gave no reaction and continued to smile at Harry, awaiting a response. Harry frowned deeply, dropping the blonde's fake hands and scooting away. 

"You don't feel that." he said flatly, looking Draco in the eyes, "You don't feel anything I do to you, do you? Do you even feel my lips when I kiss you?" 

Draco looked at Harry's lips sadly, longingly, and shook his head, then added with a smile "I can feel your tongue when it's inside my mouth, though." 

Harry didn't smile at the blonde's attempt to lighten the mood. He had thought Draco's strange kissing was just another weird thing about the blonde, but it turned out Draco couldn't tell between kissing Harry or kissing a bloody toilet seat. It devastated Harry. 

"Can I kiss you for real, then?" Harry asked, still looking at the ground. When he looked up, Draco looked nothing like he did a second earlier. He was way smaller, but not deathly thin as Harry had seen on the Quidditch field. His robes weren't hanging off of him as much as they were just too big. He wasn't as muscular, but he was beautiful. His body fit his personality so perfectly and Harry found himself somehow even more aroused by this version of Draco than the last one. This body belongs to the one he loves. This body is the one only Harry gets to see and it was perfect. 

Harry captured Draco's lips in a kiss, a real one this time, but found Draco equally as stiff and somewhat unresponsive as he had been during their earlier kisses. A horrible thought crossed his mind. 

"Draco, are you in pain?" Harry urged, moving away from the blonde entirely as if merely being in his presence would break Draco. "Does kissing hurt you?" 

The blonde looked up at him and nodded. Harry actually growled. He stayed in place, fearful over the blonde, but shot him a death glare.

"What did I just say, Draco? You should stop me if I am causing you pain or doing anything you don't want to be done to you! Gods, I-I will leave you if I find out you **ever** lie to me again. I am serious." he shouted at the top of his lungs, needing Draco to just **understand**. 

Draco looked panicked and nodded frantically. The mood was effectively ruined. 

"Can-can I cast the spell now, Draco?" Harry asked hesitantly. The blonde nodded but put his hand on Harry's once the brunette drew his wand. 

"Harry, could you also make me a promise?" 

_**Anything!** _

_**Just let me take off this bloody spell!** _

Harry nodded and Draco sighed then looked him in the eye. His own eyes filling with sadness by the second. 

"Th-there are some marks on my body. Some are from my father-" Harry drew in a sharp breath, but didn't speak, "And the others are-they're-uh- self-inflicted." 

Draco whispered the last word and Harry felt the air rush out of his lungs. Memories of the blonde flinching every time Harry grabbed his arms or touched his thighs came back to him and he cursed himself silently for not knowing, but how could he have expected this? 

" Draco-" Harry started sullenly but closed his mouth when Draco looked up at him with even sadder eyes. Harry just wanted to hug him tight and never let him go. 

"W-when y-you see them, please ignore them. Don't-don't stop. Oh Merlin, please don't stop. I'd hate - I just -" Draco said, not finished either statement, then sighing and saying "Please, promise me you won't stop when you see them? They're the main reason I didn't want you to see me and if I feel like I disgust you, I-I won't be able to handle it." 

Harry nodded and quickly agreed, in pain over the blonde's confession, but glad Draco was finally being open and honest with him. 

"I promise, Draco." 

Draco smiled, then nodded his head and took his hand off of Harry's, indicating that he could cast the spell. And Harry did. There was no immediate change. When Harry transfigured the couch into a bed and pushed Draco onto his back, capturing his lips, the blonde moaned and responded eagerly for his lack of experience, Harry knew it had worked. Harry didn't go slow. He couldn't. He had been waiting too long and Draco seemed in a rush to feel him as well. 

Harry nibbled at the blonde's earlobes and relished the gasp that escaped his Draco's mouth, then moved to his neck, sucking it eagerly and twisting Draco's slowly hardening nipples through his shirt. When he could no longer take it, he slowly worked the buttons to Draco's shirt and carefully pulled it off, revealing his lover's perfect body, his firm hip bones, his toned stomach, and his ribs, which jutted out but were no longer scary-looking. His Draco was perfect. 

  
  


Just as Harry was about to capture Draco's nipples in his mouth, he noticed his lover's arms. He tried not to look, and then not to stare, and then not to linger. But he couldn't help it when he saw the angry lines running across his perfect Draco's forearms. Most were white, but some looked new and there were four especially red and long ones that looked to be very recent. Yesterday? They were because of him?! 

_**Why would my perfect Draco, my angel, do this to himself?** _

_**Why would he hurt himself this way?** _

_**Hadn't he been hurt enough?** _

_**Why did he feel the need to do this?** _

_**How did I not notice this?** _

_**How did I let him get this bad?** _

_**How did I not stop this?** _

A sniffling sound snapped Harry out of his thoughts. Only then did he realize he had been still and staring at the scars for far too long, looking disgusted. Draco, who was moaning in ecstasy moments earlier, had moved his head to one side, resting his cheek on the mattress, tears flowing continuously down his red cheeks. He didn't meet Harry's eyes. 

"Get off me." the blonde said coldly, sounding more hurt than Harry had ever heard him. No! Harry didn't want that. He hadn't meant to stare. He shook his head firmly then tried to kiss his perfect boyfriend, who moved out of the way. Harry sighed and closed his eyes. 

_**Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!**_

Then, he felt his hands being pushed upwards. He opened his eyes, thinking Draco was pushing him away. His heart sank as he witnessed the scars begin to fade, as Draco's perfect body started to transform into its fake, Glamoured version, the blonde still unwilling to meet his eyes. His Draco was hiding from him again… 

Without thinking about it too long, Harry lunged forward, grabbing his lover's arms and softly placing kisses along the horrible scars he had only just now realized existed. For a moment, he felt his lips touch smooth skin and he wanted to yell out in frustration and agony over having ruined everything. But, just then, he felt them, the four, long lines against his lips. He opened his eyes to realize Draco was letting his glamour down. 

_**Thank you** _

_**Oh gods, thank you!** _

When he was done kissing every scars, ignoring the bile rising in his throat as he realized there were hundreds of them, he moved up to Draco's face and tried to kiss him again, only to be met with unresponsive lips. He sighed and got off Draco's body, letting the blonde's arms go. Draco's dull eyes filled with tears. He hadn't moved since Harry had seen the scars and there was a small pool forming below his cheek where his tears met the mattress. He looked frightened, disgusted, and so very still. It was the most heartbreaking thing Harry had ever seen. 

Harry laid down next to the blonde, planting one cheek on the mattress and staring into his dull, wet eyes. 

"You're so beautiful." Harry whispered, reaching out to tug a particularly long strand of blonde hair behind his Draco's ear. Draco's tears thickened and came quicker. Harry didn't know whether him crying about it was a good thing or not. 

"You-you're lying." the blonde stuttered out, "You're disgusted by me. I don't blame you. I don't know why. I just-I couldn't not!" 

Draco burst into tears again, his eyes looking wild, and Harry did the only thing he could think of. He pulled the blonde in for a hug and continuously ran his hands through his hair, murmuring sweet words into his ears as the blonde cried into his chest. 

Harry held onto Draco even after he had calmed down. He wanted to understand but knew this wasn't the time. He never wanted to leave Draco alone again, didn't ever want to let him go. But he did as soon as he felt Draco's hand press against his crotch through his trousers, caressing it softly. 

"Baby, we don't need to do this today. It'll be fine. We can just-" he started but was cut off by a deep moan coming from the blonde who blushed furiously. He smiled as he realized what had set it off. 

"You like it when I call you that?" he asked Draco, who put his face in his free hand, now undoing Harry's trouser buttons with his other. 

"Oh lord, this is so embarrassing" Draco said in that drama queen tone he always used when he was feeling especially vulnerable. 

"I don't think it is, baby. I-" Harry teased, then groaned as he felt his erection spring free from his boxers. He looked down to see Draco's thin hand at work, mimicking Harry's movements from the night earlier. Taking a deep breath, Harry made to move away but was stopped by Draco tightening his hold and whispering in Harry's ears. 

"Please, Harry. Whatever you were doing felt so good. Soo good." Draco purred and Harry forgot why he had thought this was a bad idea. He climbed back on top of Draco and resumed his pace, sucking the blonde's nipples one by one, until he felt all the tension from the earlier conversation slip away. He looked up, and was met with Draco giving him a strange look through blown pupils. 

"What? Are you in pain?" Harry asked, then quickly tried to get off the blonde, but Draco grabbed his wrist, preventing him from doing so. He shook his head at Harry then blushed deeply. 

"No, it's good. I just feel a bit weird" he whispered, looking confused, then gestured at his trousers, which stretched over his obviously hard cock. Draco blushed, even more, when Harry carried on staring. 

"Let me take care of that." Harry suggested with a smile and Draco nodded slowly, then watched curiously as Harry undid his trousers and removed them, along with the muggle boxers, in one swift go. Draco continued to watch with uncertainty until Harry grasped his shaft. 

Draco's head flung backward so suddenly, Harry was worried he'd crack open his skull. When nothing happened, Harry continued his movements carefully, watching the blonde for any sign of discomfort. Draco was panting softly and had his eyes closed. 

"How do you feel?" Harry asked, feeling stupid for interrupting the moment, but worried he might again be misinterpreting what he was seeing. 

"Ahh - Like I am floating." Draco said as he sighed and melted into Harry's touch. Harry grinned and started to massage Draco's bullocks, which elicited continuous moans from the blonde that he tried to stop by biting his lip and failed. 

_**It's so cute how he's trying to be composed, even now** _

When Harry used his wand to cast a lubrication spell the blonde yelped and threw the brunette off of him, sitting up and looking at Harry oddly, with his head tilted to the side. 

"W-why did you do that?" Draco asked, his voice quivering. "What did you even do? I-I feel weird." Only then did it occur to Harry. 

_**Wow, he really doesn't know anything** _

"It's a part of it. It's supposed to make you feel good, but we don't have to do it." Harry said quickly, feeling guilty over forgetting to ask before he cast the spell and cursing his lust-fueled brain. 

Draco looked unsure but curious. He laid back down and closed his eyes. 

"Alright. I trust you, Harry." he said, opening his legs to allow Harry more access. The brunette quickly threw off what little clothes he had left and slowly inserted a finger into Draco, which went in easily thanks to the spell, so did the second. The third, however, made Draco wince and Harry almost retracted, except that his sudden movement made his fingers hit a spot inside Draco that made the blonde swoon and gasp, his hips flying upwards of their own accord. 

"W-what was that?" the blonde asked, panting. Harry smiled and told him it was the pleasure spot. He continuously kept rubbing it, enjoying the constant sounds Draco was making, then retracted them and positioned his cock at Draco's entrance. Draco stiffened and Harry started to stroke his shaft again to distract him, then started pushing in. The blonde looked uncomfortable for a few moments, then relaxed as a bead of pre-come formed at the head of his shaft. Harry stilled for a moment, choking at how tight Draco was. He wasn't going to last long and he had to put all his efforts into not coming on the spot. 

"Is everything alright?" Draco asked, taking Harry's hand and interlacing their fingers. Harry's heart started doing funny things at his confused lover who was comforting **him** instead of voicing complaints about the position. 

Harry nodded and started to move. Aiming to find Draco's prostrate as quickly as possible to make the process less uncomfortable for his boyfriend. He did and Draco _screamed_ as his eyes shut tighter and he came in long spurts. Harry quickened his pace while stroking Draco through his orgasm and loving the way his lover's muscles clenched around him, then came as well, yelling out "Draco". 

He conjured a blanket and cast a cleaning spell, then kissed Draco's forehead and asked if that felt good. His boyfriend looked at him as though he had lost his mind and Harry chuckled, then sighed happily as Draco snuggled into his chest and fell asleep with a wide smile on his face. 


	14. My Perfect Harry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've come to the 'heartbreaking scene' that Draco mentions in the second part. It's Harry-centric and will only be mentioned a few times after this, so for readers who don't enjoy reading 'abused Harry and helpful Draco' scenes, you can skip this chapter altogether, just know that the summer before fifth year was particularly hard on Harry, which explains how distant he is when they return to Hogwarts. Other than that, enjoy!

Draco knew Harry wouldn't let it go. Harry never let anything go, so it wasn't surprising that he woke up one day, five weeks after they made love for the first time, to the brunette staring at him pleadingly and asking too many questions that Draco didn't know the answers to, then demanding that Draco stop. 

The blonde sighed. He knew this was coming and nodded weakly. He hadn't cut in a long time anyway and the last time he did so was because he thought Harry was mad at him. So, how could Draco say no to Harry? He especially didn't want his boyfriend to be distracted during the final task so he gathered all his willpower and started working on concealment potions every night instead of beauty potions. It hadn't been bad, though. None were deep enough to leave the scars that had particularly frightened his Harry, until the day of the third task, when he witnessed his love leave the maze an utter sobbing, broken mess with a dead contestant in his arms. 

Draco wanted to jump over the benches and grab onto Harry, comforting him and not letting him go, but when he rubbed his stone an hour later, deciding he had given enough space to his boyfriend, he got no response. When he tried to catch Harry's attention as he passed by him on his way out of Hogwarts for the manor, Harry looked at him void of any emotions. 

_ No.  _

_ No. Please.  _

_ Let me help.  _

_ Don't shut me out.  _

_ I love you, Harry. _

He stared for long enough that his father had to physically shove him through the door using the cane. He caught his Harry's eye twitching in fury and sighed in relief, then laughed a little to himself. Some things just never change. 

Draco worried about Harry constantly, but that was nothing compared to how he felt when the first week passed and the glamoured Hedwig was nowhere in sight. He had only been using the bracelet to wish Harry a 'good morning, love' and tell him that he loves him at night. But he decided enough was enough. 

"Harry!" he thought loudly, as he rubbed the stone. No connection formed on either side and that's how Draco knew. Harry had taken off the bracelet. Time seemed to stand still as Draco stared at the stone as if it had somehow offended him. He decided to keep the bracelet on, in case Harry changes his mind and puts his back on, in case he wanted to talk, in case he wasn't done with Draco as the blonde suspected. 

_ He said he'd never take it off _

_ He said it was everything to him _

_ Like I was everything to him _

Draco knew, deep in his heart, that Harry wasn't lying, that this wasn't even about Draco, that his boyfriend just needed space. The blonde could respect that, but it was his first instinct to worry and Harry said he liked it. Harry liked to be taken care of. He liked to be comforted and loved. He was getting none of that where he was. He must be miserable and Draco could do nothing to help him. 

Draco cried himself to sleep that night, thinking of Harry doing the same. 

The blonde continued to wait by the window for any sign of a letter. He'd settle for an empty one at this point. He'd settle for anything that would let him know that his Harry was alright. When another week passed and no letter or warming of the stone came, Draco decided to take the first step. That wouldn't annoy Harry, right? 

He wrote and wrote and wrote, finishing the letter on the fifth page, then sending it off in a disguised form that could only be broken when Harry, himself, touched the letter. He spent a whole page asking Harry if he was alright in different ways and a whole other page telling him that he loves him, but the blonde didn't care. Harry loved him, and always smiled when Draco told him things like that in real life, so Draco would send the letter unfiltered. He needed his Harry to smile now more than ever and he couldn't help the feeling that something was horribly wrong. 

Every day that passed without a reply, Draco would send another letter, which would follow the same subject as the one before that. But, still, two weeks later, his Harry had said absolutely nothing. The worry had now grown and devoured his whole body. He was so panicked over Harry, he could barely do anything that didn't relate to the brunette. His last potion, which was now ready, served to take the ingester to someone specific, and then another potion served to apparate him back to the manor. 

He knew it was risky. He didn't care. His father had barely spoken to him since he's been back for the summer for some reason, not that he is complaining. The wards would surely alert Lucius to his son's departure, but he won't know where Draco has gone and the blonde didn't care what tactics his father would use to get him to spill his secrets. Having to leave Hogwarts and being locked up in the manor wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. No. Discovering Harry was in trouble and that Draco didn't do anything because he was afraid of his father would be the worst thing, especially if something happens to Harry. 

With a deep breath, Draco pocketed the apparation vial and his wand, then downed the first potion and gasped as he was yanked out of the manor, through the wards and thrown into a small living room. The entire house was dark and seemed abandoned. Draco's worry doubled at the thought. He released a small portion of the lighting potion so he could see, careful not to cast too much and give himself away. He had no idea how Harry's relatives would react to seeing him, but no matter what, he wouldn't leave this house without seeing Harry. 

Draco searched quietly and thoroughly, knowing that if it were him that just witnessed a madman coming back to life, he would've hidden in the smallest place possible. The last room on the second floor, which was also the smallest, caused his worry to skyrocket. It had bars on the window and was a complete and utter mess. The bed wasn't made. The desk was thrown to the floor, the chair broken, all the drawers in the room ransacked. It seemed like someone destroyed and simultaneously robbed the room. He heard a soft sound and thought it might be Harry, only to discover it was Hedwig, locked in her cage, lying on her side evidently starving. 

_ No!  _

_ Harry loves you _

_ You can't die.  _

_ It'll kill him.  _

_ Please be alive.  _

_ Please. please. please. _

Draco rushed over to the owl unlocking her cage then giving her small treats. As if he had cast a lumos, the creature perked up and took them all in one mouthful. He smiled then released a water potion, filling up a small container for Hedwig, which she eagerly started to drink from. 

Draco exhaled in relief, thanking Merlin for birds having such great resilience. Humans, however… Draco couldn't hear anything over the sound of his heart beating out of his eardrum. He didn't know when he had started to scream, but he was, at the top of his lungs, screaming Harry's name and running around the house, pounding every door down and not minding whatever is in the way. 

Harry was nowhere in sight. 

Draco started to hyperventilate, thinking Harry was taken by Voldemort and probably killed by now. Just when he was about to admit defeat and apparate back to the manor with Hedwig, then floo call Dumbledore and tell the old man everything with the hope that his Harry could be found, Draco heard a groan. His eyes snapped to the source. 

The cupboard under the stairs…

Draco laughed loudly, breathing a sigh of relief at the same time. He was right! His Harry was just in a bad place and was hiding in the smallest spot he could find. Draco just needed to open the door and-

Draco froze. The door was locked from the outside and the key was broken in half on the floor underneath him. 

"Harry!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, "Can you hear me? Are you alright?" 

Harry whimpered and Draco tried to pry the door open, pulling at it with all he had, which wasn't much. His wand was out of unlocking potions and he started to cry loudly, leaning on the door while clawing at it uselessly, feeling like an utter failure for the thousandth time. With no one around but his whimpering Harry, Draco screamed loudly with a sound that could pierce a person's ears, feeling strange waves radiate off his body. The entire house seemed to shake and when Draco opened his eyes, the door was open and he was on his feet, staring down into the cupboard. 

Harry was… bloody, so bloody. 

So broken. 

He was leaning his cheek against a wall while the rest of his body was curled against the opposite wall. The cupboard barely fit him standing up. The blonde had no idea how Harry maneuvered himself into a sitting position. Unless…

_ Oh god.  _

_ How long have you been here, Harry? _

Draco started to cry harder, but he didn't let his blurry vision interfere with the task at hand. He needed his Harry to be alright NOW! 

The blonde stepped forward, immediately cringing back, the cupboard smelled dreadful…like vomit, sweat, urine, and blood. This only made Draco more frantic. He ignored the smell, and put his hands underneath Harry's armpits, intending to carry him outside the cupboard. Harry started to whimper and, only then, did Draco notice his left leg was at an odd angle. He tried not to think about the cause of any of this, only having one goal in mind: making his Harry better. 

Draco easily got him out of the small space, slamming its door shut behind them not wanting to ever see the room again. Harry was too light. His face was too pale. His mouth and hair and shirt had blood. His leg was broken or sprained. His scar was swollen and bleeding and all his clothes reeked and were bloody and torn. The best part of his Harry, his wide green eyes, were closed and looked so heavy that they may never open again. Draco didn't know where to start or even what to do to make any of it better. Harry seemed as though he could never be better again. But he had to be! 

Draco stared at Harry, his eyes caught his lover's chapped lips and decided to start with hydrating the man. The blonde raced into the kitchen, only to find that all the cabinets and the fridge, itself, were locked as well. He groaned, then turned on the faucet, pressing his fingers and hands tightly together, filling them with as much water as possible and running towards Harry. 

He pressed his hands against his boyfriend's lips and the brunette groaned then began to take small sips until the water was gone. 

"Harry?" Draco asked soothingly, hoping to coax his lover into opening his eyes. "Could you look at me, love?" 

Harry's eyelashes fluttered before his eyelids slowly opened. He took one look at Draco then started to scream, arms flailing trying in vain to push the blonde away. Draco's chest clenched as he watched Harry try and fail to get up, then attempt to get away from him by crawling, his broken leg dangling uselessly behind him, all the while still screaming at Draco. 

"P-please get away f-from me, Lucius. I-I didn't do anything! I swear it. W-why are y-you doing this to m-me? I-I j-just want a n-normal life!" Harry cried out, still attempting to get away from Draco. The blonde couldn't watch this anymore. He crawled beside Harry, who instantly tried to pick up his speed, then got in front of him. He closed his eyes, unable to look at his frightened boyfriend, who seemed to be in another realm of existence. 

"Harry," he said, softly, pushing the brunette to the side so he could rest his exhausted limbs and lean on Draco, "Lucius is my father, not me. I'm Draco. I-I am your boyfriend, your baby. Remember, love?" 

Harry shook his head wildly, then closed his eyes as if preparing for a hit. Draco sighed and lifted Harry's head from his chest, forcing the brunette to look him in the eye. 

"You always said my eyes were silver. His are gray. Do you see the difference now, love?" 

A spark passed through Harry's eyes before he sighed in relief. 

"You're back." he murmured, closing his eyes, then resting his head against Draco's chest again, "Sorry. You just never looked this real before." 

Harry collapsed in his arms and Draco hated himself for thinking that was for the best. He was frightened when conscious. At least, this way, Draco wouldn't be pushed away. He lifted Harry again and carried him to the second-floor bathroom, where he filled the tub with warm water, carefully undressed his unconscious boyfriend, minding his hurt leg, then throwing the clothes away and dipping Harry into the water. He added bubbles and salt that he found around the bathroom because his Harry deserved the best positive energy in the world. 

After a few minutes of being washed and given water, the brunette started to stir awake but didn't panic again upon seeing Draco. The blonde exhaled in relief, thinking Harry had finally returned to normal. But then he instantly panicked. 

_ What am I supposed to say? _

_ Should I ask how he is?  _

_ That's stupid.  _

_ Should I ask what happened?  _

_ I don't want to overwhelm him.  _

_ Should I offer to stay?  _

_ Father will come looking for me.  _

_ I can't leave him here  _

_ I can take him and hide him out…  _

_ Why is he laughing?  _

Draco was actually starting to get worried. Anyone in Harry's shoes would normally be screaming out in agony. Instead, Harry was chuckling lightly and looking up at Draco in awe. 

"What?" he asked Harry, trying to go for soft instead of annoyed and concerned. 

Harry giggled more and looked down into the bubbles. 

"You've always thought too much, Draco. You start to think and you overwhelm yourself and then you starve and then you hurt and then I freak out because there is a chance I might lose you. I just-I love you so much. I want to be with you forever, as cliche as that sounds. And now I am going to die and you'll never know any of that because you're not really here..." Harry murmured, trailing off and looking into the distance. He sounded so pained. Draco wanted to make him feel better, but he didn't understand why Harry thought he was still in the cupboard. Was he cursed? Did he hit his head? 

The flannel that Draco had used to wash Harry was now completely brownish-red. It had freaked Draco out, but he didn't stop to realize the source of blood. He just wanted to get Harry clean so the brunette would feel better and the wounds would actually be visible. Now that they were, Draco knew the blood had mainly come from a wound at the back of Harry's head and an infected cut on his side. It looked like it was caused by something rusty, like an old nail.

Swallowing the bile in his throat, Draco moved his wand around the wounds, releasing healing potions, blood replenishing potions, and cleaning potions. He thanked Merlin for his self-harm and abuse at that moment, or else he wouldn't have had any of those potions stored in his wand and he would've failed to help his Harry in any way. 

Slowly, the color returned to the brunette's skin and his eyes became more clear. He blinked twice, then shuddered, gripping the edges of the bathtub so tightly that his knuckles turned red. 

Draco stayed quiet. He didn't know what to say anymore. He was just relieved that Harry was alright. A box of cookies appeared in his lap. He smiled as the potion he used remained at work. He handed a cookie over to Harry who looked at it with disgust, then looked away. 

"Please, Harry. You must be starving." the blonde coaxed, fighting the tears forming in his eyes, but Harry didn't look at him. It seemed like hours before Harry started to speak shakily. 

"P-please, get them away from me. I-I can't stand to smell or see them. Please." he said, his voice almost hoarse from disuse. 

Draco didn't understand it. He didn't understand any of it, but he had a life filled with people not understanding him and he knew what to do. He shoved the box out of sight and asked Harry softly. 

" What can I get you?" 

Harry instantly looked panicked and shot a look of disgust at his clothes that Draco had thrown in the corner. Draco followed his gaze and instantly moved them out of sight as well, then touched Harry's shoulder. 

"It's alright, Harry." he murmured, knowing Harry felt humiliated by the look in his eyes and wishing the brunette would just talk to him already instead of keeping everything bottled up. 

"There isn't much access to any food at the moment, Draco." Harry whispered bitterly, looking down at the bubbles surrounding him in the bath. Draco's blood boiled. He hadn't even thought about the locked cabinets in the kitchen and what it all meant. 

He wanted to kill those muggles. 

Draco knew he couldn't conjure anything. He didn't think to include that potion in his wand. He silently cursed himself. There was only one option. Consequences be damned. He stood up quickly. 

"I'll go pack your things, now. You'll be staying with me from now on. there's plenty of everything at the manor." 

As soon as the last word was out of his mouth, Harry looked frantic and tried to get out of the tub, only to groan in pain, collapse, and have the blonde catch him before his head hit the tiles. Draco steadied his back to have him leaning against the tub, and spread his legs to take a look at his left one, which seemed useless and unable to do the most basic of tasks. He released healing potions on it, and that seemed to do the trick. 

"Thank you." he heard Harry gasp out. He almost cried out. 

_ You can thank me properly by letting me take you away! _

"Why won't you leave with me, Harry?" Draco asked, aiming for a casual tone, but ending up sounding needy and whiny. Harry actually smiled and Draco felt a little less horrible about the whole situation. 

"I-I don't want to tell you." Harry whispered then bit his lip. 

Draco was a lot of things, but stupid was not one of them. His first reaction upon seeing the blonde wasn't a normal one. It was clear that his father had done something that terrified his Harry to the core. 

"Is it my father?" he asked softly, then knew he was right when Harry tensed. He hated himself for pushing but he had to know. "Did he do something to you?" 

"Stop, Draco." Harry said firmly, still not meeting the blonde's eyes, "What's the point of knowing if you can't do anything about it?" 

Draco's heart sank. 

_ This is why you won't share anything with me, Harry? _

_ Because I am useless?  _

_ Because I can't help you?  _

_ I didn't think anyone could help me either, but you have.  _

_ Doesn't that count for anything?  _

_ Maybe you're wrong…  _

" That's what I thought when I wrote about killing myself in that journal. I didn't tell you, then, either." Draco mumbled, knowing it wasn't the same thing, but it felt like it was similar enough. Minutes passed. Draco was starting to think Harry hadn't heard him at all. Finally, green eyes meet his and he gasps at the amount of pain he sees. He takes both of Harry's hands in his, mimicking what Harry does when he's upset and waits. 

"I-I saw him. In-in the graveyard." he whispers and Draco drops his hands in shock, one hand flying to his mouth. Harry whimpered, then shut his eyes and looked away. But Draco didn't focus on Harry. His mind was on his father and his recent activities, which he had thought were a lack of any activity at all. It made sense. The sneaking around. The silence about anything that had to do with the journal. Him ignoring Draco this past month. It made sense, but… Why? Again? Why would he do such a thing? Didn't it end in disaster last time? Most importantly, how could he hurt Harry like this, knowing how much he means to me? 

"It-It's alright, Harry." Draco soothing the now crying brunette, who was holding onto his shirt like his life depended on it. "Thank you for telling me. I understand why you won't come to the manor, but I can't leave you here, either." 

Harry pulled away and looked deep into his silver eyes, pleadingly. 

"If-if you want to see me so bad, you could come by more often, but, you know, make sure no one sees you." 

Harry's eyes were wide and so very hopeful. Draco didn't have the heart to tell him. 

_ My father probably knows my absence by now.  _

_ He might never let me leave again  _

_ I might never see you again  _

_ And if what you're saying is true, I might be next in line for the darkness.  _

How could Draco tell him any of that, when Harry needed him so badly? When he was so protective over him? Harry couldn't protect Draco from this. He looked down at his boyfriend, then realized he had forgotten their situations. Harry was completely naked, lying on the cold tile floor with no cushioning charms in place. 

"Hey, how about we get you back to your room?" Draco asked softly, though he knew he was obviously avoiding the question. Harry looked panicked for a second, then shook his head frantically. 

_ Great.  _

_ Can't take you to your room.  _

_ Can't take you to the manor.  _

_ Can't stay here with you.  _

_ These monsters could be back at any time.  _

_ How could they do this to you?  _

_ I can't even imagine leaving you for a second, let alone the rest of the summer. _

Draco settled on cleaning Harry's room while Harry soaked in the bath. The blonde made sure to let Hedwig back into her cage and vanish the bars on the windows, cleaning up any evidence of a struggle, and even moving the bed and nightstand and desk so the room looked entirely different. 

He was satisfied when done and grabbed an outfit for Harry, shocked at how little options there were, then went back to the bathroom. Harry was in the same position Draco left him in, leaning his side against the wall, arms wrapped protectively around himself, and shivering despite the cold temperature of the water. Only now, there were tears running steadily down his face. 

Draco came in quickly and wiped them away, then vanished the water and helped Harry get dressed. Draco's chest clenched at how thin Harry was. The brunette, who was speaking and responding to Draco before the blonde left, was now completely unresponsive and seemed lost in his own thoughts. 

_ I knew I shouldn't have left you alone _

Draco took Harry to his room, prepared for a bad reaction, but when the brunette saw the room, he simply turned back to Draco and smiled widely. It looked forced, but Draco took it. He would've taken anything at that point. 

They sat there, in silence, for 15 minutes, before Draco couldn't take it anymore. 

"What happened to your bracelet?" he blurted out. Harry's head snapped back up as if he had forgotten Draco was even there. He looked at his wrist, frowning, then looked away. 

"Oh. I don't know. I must've dropped it during the final task." he mumbled. 

Draco's breath hitched. He didn't want to think about what happened. He didn't want to picture Harry running out of the maze with a dead cedric. He just wanted to wake up from this nightmare and be cradled in Harry's arms in the chamber again. But, in this reality, Harry wouldn't touch him, staying as far away from him as possible on the bed. 

Draco took off his bracelet and threw it at Harry, expecting him to catch it. Instead, the brunette looked at it as it fell between them on the bed, then grabbed it and put it on. 

"Thank you, Draco." he said, then sighed. "I understand if you need to leave me now. And I understand that you might not be able to come back. But I'll try to write." 

"Try?!" Draco screamed without meaning to, "There is no 'try', Harry! You'll write to me every day even if just to say 'hi'. Do you have any idea how worried I've been?!" 

And Harry actually smiled at that, despite everything. Draco wanted that smile to last forever, but Harry's instantly vanished with the sound of the front closing the voices erupting in the house. Harry instantly curled into a ball and pressed himself against the wall. Draco wanted to cry. He moved towards Harry and took his hands. 

"Harry, look at me." he told his frightened boyfriend. When Harry finally looked up, Draco had the most serious expression on his face. "I vow to you, they will never hurt you again. I'll stay with you and make sure of it if you won't come with me." 

Harry nodded but seemed unconvinced, then looked at Draco with a pained look. 

"You have to go." he murmured, "If you don't you'll get in trouble. I can't be the cause of that." 

"No! Harry, I am not leaving you like this! I can't leave. Please, let me stay, love." Draco begged, his eyes filling with tears, but Hary had that look in his eyes that said there would be no argument. 

"You're leaving now, Draco and that's that. I'll be fine. I am always fine, aren't I? Please, don't worry so much. I need to make sure you're alright too." Harry said quietly, but firmly and Draco nodded in resignation. 

_ Even when you're completely beaten and miserable, you still think of me...  _

_ I can't leave without knowing those bastards won't hurt you again, Harry.  _

_ Why are you forcing me to go?!  _

With a plan in mind, Draco got up and started walking towards the door. 

" I'll make another bracelet today and we'll speak, yeah?" Draco asked if only to reassure himself and Harry nodded, then looked away. 

Draco hated leaving him like this, but, deep down, he knew Harry was right. He had to go. He closed the door behind him and moved down the stairs, looking for the monsters that did this to his Harry. He came face to face with a man that could only be described as a whale. His raged instantly doubled and he was sending potion hexes his way before he realized what he was doing. His son and wife stood in the corner, frightened. 

_ Good _

_ You should be afraid.  _

_ You should always be afraid.  _

_ You should rot in hell for what you did to my perfect Harry.  _

"Listen to me, you oaf." Draco gritted out, trapping the whale against the door and pointing his wand at him, "I've set up detection spells everywhere in your house. I'll know when you wake, and when you leave, and when you breathe. I'll know everything. And I'll know if you hurt Harry again." 

The oaf panted but didn't say anything. He had the same look of fear in his eyes as Harry did. Draco was frightened as well, but he wouldn't show it. He bluffed about the spells and prayed that those muggles were stupid enough to believe him. He closed the gap between them until his face was inches away from the big man's. 

"You'll unlock all the cabinets and you will never speak to Harry unless it is to ask what he needs and deliver. You'll never hurt him again. I'll know and if I find out you did anything, mark my words, your face will be the next target. Do we understand each other? " he hissed, then threw an explosive potion towards the couch in the living room, which burst out in flames. The man nodded, eyes wide, panting. 

"Good." he said, then left the house and took the potion, appearing instantly in his room. He waited a few seconds, during which he took another charm potion and dipped a replica bracelet into it. As soon as he put it on, he rubbed the stone. 

"Harry? Is everything alright?" he asked, then held his breath. He exhaled in relief when he felt the stone get warmer. 

"Yes, my uncle just left me a tray of food and asked if I needed anything. What did you do?" Harry asked in disbelief. 

"Nothing, love. Just employed my charm." Draco told him then felt his heart warm when he heard Harry chuckle.

After the stone went cold again, Draco frowned deeply, crawled beneath his bed, and hugged his pillow tightly, finally letting his emotions overcome him and sobbing loudly to alert his father, who came into the room seconds after. 


	15. Am I losing you, Draco?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tiny bit of fluff in the middle, but just a warning: it's all downhill from here and onto the next part.

Harry didn’t mean to upset Draco, although he could see it happening, no matter how much the blonde tries to hide his worry. Everytime Draco asks “bad day?” and Harry replies with “bad life.”, he means it as a joke, even if it might be close to the truth, but Draco’s forced laugh is hardly subtle and his silver eyes tell it all. 

He was sure he was driving Draco crazy and it had been exactly what he was afraid of. He knew he wouldn’t exactly be pleasant company after what had happened the past year, but he thought things would be the same with Draco. They weren’t. They didn’t kiss. They didn’t make love. They didn’t speak, even. They mostly sat there, with books for their lessons, with Harry making plans for the dueling group, or with plates of food in the kitchen. It was enough for Harry, but he wasn't sure if the blonde felt the same way. 

Draco never asked about what happened over the summer and Harry was thankful for that. He couldn't bear to speak about it. He almost felt guilty about hounding Draco all these times about the blonde's problems, but Draco never seemed to mind that much. They were both very different. 

Draco looked at him in the same loving way he always did. And it broke Harry's heart every time because he was certain the blonde wanted more, even if he wouldn't admit it. 

Draco always looked very worried, though, and Harry felt more guilty, knowing the blonde wanted to ask questions and serve Harry baked goods. He had stopped doing that after Harry demanded he stop the cookies potion, claiming he didn't want anymore of Draco's food. If he had said it too harshly, Draco didn't let on. He simply smiled at Harry and agreed. It was a new dynamic. Draco's fussing and Harry's comfort were both gone and Harry was worried they wouldn't survive it, believing that half the reason Draco was with Harry in the first place was because of the brunette's constant reassurance and comfort. Harry couldn't give him that anymore. He barely had the energy to comfort himself. 

It was only after Harry was reeling from his discovery about his father's treatment of Snape that he asked the question that had been driving him mad. Draco was once again inspecting the scars that Umbridge forced Harry to carve into the back of his hand. The blonde was relentless. He had healed it, but hadn't discovered a way to vanish the scars save for the temporary concealment potion. 

Harry had suddenly clasped Draco's hands and looked him in the eyes pleadingly. Draco looked at him, frowning, but didn't ask what was wrong. He had learned that the question never sat well with Harry. 

"Am-am I l-losing you, Draco?" Harry asked, surprised that his eyes began to sting in anticipation of the answer. He still loved Draco. He still needed him. He wanted to be enough for him, but he wouldn't force him to stay if Harry was upsetting him. 

Draco looked at him with that same bewildered expression he had when Harry had asked if he enjoyed their love-making, then squeezed Harry's hands and had a serious expression on his face. 

"I love you, Harry." the blonde told him softly, "If you don't want a physical relationship, I'll settle for an emotional one. If you don't want to speak, then we'll do things that don't involve speaking. If you're having a 'bad life' and don't want to talk about it, it's fine by me. I just want to be with you, Harry, no matter what that entails." 

But Harry could see that the blonde had uncertainty in his eyes, that he was questioning their relationship. He didn't want to ask. He didn't want to hear the answer. But the blonde read him perfectly and answered anyways. 

"I still want to be with you and I-I believed you when you said you would tell me if I upset you. If that's not the case anymore, if I upset you somehow and you don't want to say. If you don't want to be with *me* anymore-" 

"No!" Harry told him firmly, cutting him off. He couldn't listen anymore. He knew all of Draco's insecurities weren't because of him. They were there all along, but it didn't hurt any less that he thought Harry wanted to leave him. "I don't want that, Draco. I am not upset at you and I am glad you don't want to break up with me." 

The blonde smiled. 

"Never." 

Draco went back to inspecting Harry's hand. It was the most they had talked since the summer, but Harry couldn't just leave it at that. He felt like he owed it to Draco to answer the blonde's unasked questions and the words were tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them anyways. 

"My uncle locked me in there. I-I was having a bad time when I got home and I messed up their food on multiple occasions and didn't have the energy to do my chores. I was writing you a letter that first week, but my cousin caught me with it before I could send it off and read it loudly to them. They don't approve of anyone different from them and they called me a freak. I-I didn't mean to do anything, but my magic just exploded and a vase went at my cousin's head. He pushed me down the stairs and my leg just… It was painful. I couldn't get up and I was screaming. I think my uncle was worried my neighbors would hear so he grabbed me by the hair and he threw he quite violently into that cupboard. I-I never wanted to see that place again. I-it used to be my room before I came to hogwarts then they moved me to the room you saw." 

Draco tightened his hold on Harry's hands but didn't interrupt. Harry wasn't sure he could stop anyways. He could feel the tears running down his cheeks but his words were unaffected. He wasn't sobbing. He was just crying and speaking and his Draco was being so supportive. It was humiliating, but he had to tell the blonde why he had yelled at him about the cookies. 

"They left me in there. I don't know how long. They used to do that a lot. My magic kept me alive every time, so I don't think they thought too much about feeding me or anything. But… I was just so tired, Draco. My magic wasn't strong enough this time and I couldn't move and I felt like I was dying. Everything hurt. I-I didn't even notice the nail that was sticking out of the wall until the second week, I think. Your cookies came and saved me. They-they nourished me, but when I ate, I had certain urges and I didn't have anywhere to go to deal with them. It was humiliating and I can't believe you saw me like that. It was disgusting. So, I just… I didn't eat so much of the cookies. I only ate enough to keep me alive. Now, whenever I see or smell them, I just… I can't-I can't - " 

Harry started to sob and Draco pulled him in for a hug and murmured" It's okay. It's alright. You're with me. You're safe. I'll always be here." in his ear over and over and over again until Harry continued, telling him about the order and Umbridge and everything that had been happening and the pensive and his father. 

Draco held him through it and was calmer than Harry had ever seen him. Harry didn't know how his Draco was so strong. It hurt Harry so much when Draco broke down, but Draco, now, seemed like he was fine, though barely holding it together. He felt Draco's lips tremble with the effort of holding back tears when the blonde kissed his head. So, he pulled Draco down for a kiss on the lips. 

_**Oh, how I missed this.** _

_**God, I love you so much.** _

_**How are you this understanding?** _

_**How are you this perfect?** _

For all Draco's words, Harry truly didn't believe the blonde would stick around after Sirius's death. Harry wasn't just silent. He was distant and unresponsive. He felt like he was living in a haze, not really knowing where or with whom he was with. 

The blonde didn't seem to mind, though. He was still there, still showed up to the bathroom and sat with Harry in the chambers and kitchens. At night, he would use the bracelet to tell Harry his 'silly' stories about princes falling in love and saving each other. Harry thought it was sweet and touched the stone to let Draco know he was listening, but said nothing. It was the kindest gesture anyone had given Harry. He knew, during these times, that he could never again love someone like he loves Draco. It just wasn't possible. His Draco was perfect. 

Then, it all came crashing down. In a year where literally nothing good happened, Harry felt as if he was chasing his Draco blindfolded. Everytime he felt himself getting close, he would be taken and sent back a few hundred yards. It was over. He couldn't get to his Draco now and might never get to him again. 

In retrospect, Harry should've known something was wrong earlier. It shouldn't have taken a full year for Harry to notice that there was something seriously wrong with his Draco. He should've noticed that the blonde was barely eating and that his skin was too smooth and perfect to be real. But, no. It took the full year for Draco to pull Harry out of his misery and, in that year, his perfect Draco had slipped away into the darkness. 

Somehow, Harry knew all of that the moment he saw his lover stumble as he was getting on the train. It wasn't an ordinary one, either. He was swaying. Harry knew he was back to his old tricks. 

But it was fine, right? Draco always lets his glamour down when he's around Harry. He did it the year before. It had only been three months since he saw the blonde. He couldn't have gotten that bad. Harry would just have to talk to him for a bit and his Draco will be fine, right? Right? 

But Harry couldn't wait. He couldn't wait till the night, or till they get to Hogwarts, or even till the train started to move. He simply couldn't wait one more second. He threw on his invisibility cloak and went into the blonde's compartment. He wasn't even planning on listening in on their conversation. He was going to alert the blonde to his presence with the bracelet, then-

But the stone was completely cold, even when Harry tried to get it to work. Draco had taken his off. Harry had to retrain himself from throwing the cloak off and demanding that Draco's friends leave, but the name caught his attention and he couldn't not listen to the conversation. 

Draco was bragging to his friends about a mission he got from Voldemort. But that was fine. Draco was always acting like a prat in front of others and claiming things that he doesn't really believe. This was no different. But would he really brag about something so dangerous? Claim he was doing a mission for a man that Dumbledore had the whole school prepared to fight? Why? 

He was snapped out of his thoughts by Draco closing the compartment door and standing with his back to Harry. The brunette sighed in relief. Draco's friends had left. He was just about to say something, when Draco turned around swiftly and petrified him. 

Things moved in slow motion for Harry, as Draco spat vicious words in his face, then broke his nose, threw his cloak over him, and left him there. But Harry wasn't hurt. He wasn't in pain. He was only terrified of what he saw in Draco's eyes: pure, utter hatred. It was like he didn't even know Harry. Worse, it was like Harry was an enemy to him. A single tear dropped from Harry's eye as Draco walked off. 

_**Why is he doing this?** _

_**He was just talking to me yesterday.** _

_**He said he was excited to see me…** _

_**What happened?** _

_**Is he starting to hate me because of how I've been last year?** _

_**I am better now.** _

_**Only because of him.** _

_**And Draco would never hit me.** _

_**He would never put up his mask in front of me** _

_**Why would he?** _

_**When I've already seen it all?** _

_**What's wrong, Draco?!** _


	16. Can you just hold me, Please?

Draco was going crazy with worry. His eyes were darting to the Gryffindor table every split-second. Where the hell was his Harry? 

_ Oh God, what if he's in that cupboard again? _

_ What if he's sobbing his eyes out? _

_ He doesn't have my cookies to sustain him anymore…  _

_ What if he's starving and crying and sad and broken and wait for me and I am at this bloody feast wondering where he is when I should be making a potion to-  _

The blonde's thoughts were interrupted by Harry's late arrival. He sighed in relief and sent Harry a subtle smile, but the brunette only looked at him with… Caution? Hurt? Fear? What in the bloody hell? 

The minute they were dismissed, Draco rushed to the bathroom to see Harry and was met with the same expression. Harry didn't say a single word. Draco didn't want to push Harry to talk. He had spent the entirety of the previous year holding in his worry and questions and the brunette had spoken in time. Would it be the same this year? Draco would do anything for Harry, but the waiting around had killed him. Seeing Harry so miserable had been the worst thing in the world. And Harry was getting better. He was talking so much with Draco over the summer. Would they just revert back to silence now? God, that would be terrible. Especially with Harry looking so… Weird. Was he mad at Draco for some reason? Had the blonde done something to upset Harry? 

"What happened this summer?" Harry asked him firmly, cutting off his thoughts again. 

Draco froze. He didn't want to start the year like this. He knew he would have to tell Harry eventually, but now? So soon? 

"W-what do you, mean?" he asked, feigning confusion, "And what the bloody hell happened to your nose? Who did that to you? Why did they do that to you? Oh God, Harry. I was so worried when you didn't come to the feast." 

The questions were out of his mouth before he could stop them. But Harry had given him permission. Harry was speaking to him. There would be no silence. Draco would be relieved if he wasn't so worried about the brunette. 

He looked up and found Harry staring at him, mortified. He was no more than five inches away from Draco, but his eyes weren't looking at the blonde at all. They were in some sort of bewildered state. Harry took a tentative step forward, looking almost fearful? 

"Draco," he started, but seemed to trail off, not knowing how to continue, "Do you not remember the carriage? The express? Anything about our trip over here?" 

The question caught Draco by surprise. He searched his mind and was confused to find that he truly didn't remember how he got to Hogwarts at all. 

"I think I was asleep, Harry. I don't remember anything," he said, trying not to let his worries about Harry's previous question show to his boyfriend. He really didn't want to start the year by talking about this. "Why? If you were on the express, why were you late to the feast? Did you see me on the train? Did something happen?" 

Draco was putting all his efforts into remembering. This was torture. It was all blurry. He wasn't asleep. Maybe it was all hazy because of the pain he was in. The dark lord's disappointment in his father had caused Lucius to be more brutal and ruthless than he had ever been. Maybe that's finally taking a toll. 

Draco's panic must've shown, because Harry was taking his hands, rubbing his thumbs over his knuckles and asking what was wrong. Draco didn't notice any of that. His mind was exploding with possibilities. 

_ Did father do something to Harry while polyjuiced to look like me? (I)  _

_ He had access to my hair… _

_ He would do anything to break us up.  _

_ Oh, my poor Harry.  _

_ He'd never suspect it.  _

_ He doesn't even know my father knows.  _

_ Any mention of Lucius has Harry running for the hills.  _

_ What will happen when he knows my father escaped?  _

_ Oh god. Please don't go back to being Miserable, Harry.  _

_ I couldn't take it.  _

_ Does this mean you'll actually notice my glamour this year?  _

_ Will you ask me to take it, off?  _

_ If gods, I'll die if you do that.  _

_ You can't see.  _

_ You can't know.  _

_ You'll hate me!  _

_ You'll hate me!  _

"Draco!" he heard Harry yell. Only then did he realize he was hyperventilating, clutching his chest and moving back, away from his boyfriend, who was trying to hold onto his right hand tighter. He let go and moved until his back hit the wall, then he sank down and pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around himself. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't speak. Everything was blurry. Harry's voice was so distant. Was Harry even still there? He caught sight of green eyes before he felt his mind slip entirely. 

He awoke to Harry towering over him, frantically wiping the sweat off his forehead with a cool, damp washcloth, and looking extremely concerned. 

"D-draco?" he asked, his voice shaking, "Look at me. Are you alright?" 

Draco nodded slowly, unable to process his emotions and put them into words. 

"What happened?" Harry asked softly, brushing his fingers through the blonde's hair. 

Draco stiffened, then decided he needed to tell Harry only one thing at a time. Maybe then, Harry wouldn't freak out and talk about breaking up with Draco like he had a year before. 

"My father escaped prison." Draco whispered, then covered his eyes, afraid of Harry's reaction. He couldn't stand to lose Harry after everything that had happened. He heard Harry's breath hitch and then a list of too many questions, none of which the blonde wanted to answer. 

" Why didn't you say anything, Draco?!"

"Gods, how did this happen?"

"Was it Voldemort?" 

"Of course it was."

"We need to send him back there."

"You just need to tell someone." 

"No!" Draco had screamed. He couldn't tell anyone. He couldn't. He had been too cheerful when his father was locked away the first time and that resulted in a beating that had him passed out for three days. Simply, Draco was frightened and not even Azkaban could keep his father away from him. Not to mention his father's threat: 'tell your precious harry about any of this and I'll tell the dark lord about you two. It'll be so easy to drag out that potter here if he thinks your life is in danger. Then, we'll snap his neck, like those muggles he loves so much do nowadays.'

"C-could you just hold me. Please?" Draco asked in a small voice. Harry must've somehow sensed how frightened the blonde was because he instantly let up and started to cuddle with Draco, instead of yell like he was doing a second earlier. 

Draco loved it. He wished they could stay this way forever. But, deep down, he knew this wasn't over. Far from it. 


	17. What did I do, Draco?

Harry had given Draco as much space as he needed and he pretended to be stupid whenever the blonde would divert his thoughts away from a question he had asked about Draco's summer. He wasn't buying Draco's 'it wasn't that bad' attitude. Something had happened this summer and Harry intended to know exactly what this night in the chambers. But, upon seeing Draco sprawled on the bed, looking all cute and perfect, Harry's mind had wandered. 

_**What's a few more hours anyways?** _

_**The questions could wait.** _

But they shouldn't have waited, Harry soon discovered. Since, as soon as he began to take Draco's shirt off, the blonde wriggled out of his hold, panicked. 

"c-can you use your wand to turn these off?" he asked, gesturing to the candles that floated around their bed. Harry stared at him, confused, but guessed the blonde was still self-conscious about his body. He chuckled and shook his head, trying to lighten the mood and get Draco to relax. 

"I want to see all of you, Baby." he said softly, purposely using the nickname that made his Draco swoon. But it didn't work. As soon as Harry trapped Draco beneath him to keep going, the blonde started to cry. Harry pulled away from him as fast as possible, afraid he had crossed some sort of line, but not knowing what. 

Draco didn't explain. He only continued to sob louder as he sat at the edge of the bed and started to frantically looked for his shows, then quickly put them on. 

"What did I do, Draco?" Harry cried out, trying to get Draco to talk to him. "I don't understand why you're so upset."

But Draco didn't want to talk. He snapped at Harry.

"what part of I want the sodding lights off during sex don't you understand?!!" Draco yelled, making the brunette recoil. Draco had never yelled at him before. He saw the gradual change in Draco's eyes. He was half-scared and half pissed off. His Draco was changing, but he ignored it, deciding it was just because of something Harry had done wrong. He shouldn't have. Harry reached out and put a Hand on Draco's knee, making him wince. Harry saw red and understood instantly, a dark shadow crossing his eyes.

" Show them to me!" he demanded, gesturing to Draco's knees. 

"what?"

"take off your clothes this instant and let me heal you." Harry told him softly but firmly.

"you can't heal me, Harry. Not from this. Not this time." he whispered, looking at his arms and sniffling. Harry followed his gaze and moved to yank back the sleeves, only to be held against the walls with a wand to his throat. Draco's eyes were cold again. Just as they were when he had attacked Harry on the train. Harry had no idea what was happening. This wasn't like Draco. This was all wrong. Surely his father being back hadn't suddenly altered his entire personality, right? 

"Listen to me, potter." Harry flinched at the use of his last name, but Draco continued, "You will let me leave and you will leave me alone afterward. You will not talk to me or look at me and you will pretend none of this ever happened."

Harry's eyes instantly filled with tears. He wasn't even a bit afraid of Draco's hold or his wand. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Draco didn't mean that. He didn't mean any of that. His precious baby was just upset! That had to be it! 

He simply didn't want Draco to leave now. He needed to talk to him before this got out of hand. He opened his mouth to say as much only to have draco cast a silencing spell on him. Upon realizing he couldn't speak, Harry started to sob silently, trying to understand what he had done wrong, what he could do to make Draco listen to him. But it was too late. Draco had left the chambers, left Harry on the floor a sobbing mess. 

He jumped up when he heard a thud and left the chambers in an instant, determined to make things right, but still sobbing over the blonde's harsh treatment. 

He found Draco under the sinks again, but they moved away from him once Harry demanded that the chamber closed. Draco kept scooting away, as if terrified of his own shadow. 

"Draco…" Harry started, not knowing where he was going with this. Then, upon hearing nothing come out of his mouth, he cast a finite on himself and said the same, only to have a shocking realization. 

_**Since when can Draco do magic?** _

_**Wasn't he a squib?** _

_**Did he come into his magic recently?** _

_**What was happening?** _

Harry cast another finite at the blonde. Hoping against hope that his fears wouldn't be confirmed. Instantly, he felt his heart shatter. The arm Draco was using to wipe his tears was…ruined. Completely and utterly ruined. There was barely any skin left that didn't have those horrible marks. They looked old, but Harry knew the right arm wasn't that bad in fourth year. That must mean… 

_**Oh god!** _

_**What did you do, Draco?** _

_**What have I done?** _

_**How could I not have seen?** _

_**How could I not have known?** _

__

_**You look like a walking zombie.** _

_**Are you starving yourself too?** _

_**Are the Gods punishing me for being such a horrible boyfriend last year?** _

_**I've learned.** _

_**I'VE LEARNED! BRING HIM BACK TO ME! MAKE HIM ALRIGHT.** _

Suddenly, Harry was sobbing harder than Draco and the blonde looked shocked at his fallened Glamour, touching himself all over, disbelief in his eyes. He hugged Harry, who had sank to the floor mutters muffled apologies. 

"My father found out about us in the summer of fourth year. That's why I don't have my bracelet. He destroyed it. He hasn't been that careful with the bruises, so I had to get a stronger glamour. He has been worse since returning to the manor and had brought his boss to live with us at the manor and his dining conversations aren't the best. I am so so sorry I lied to you, Harry. Please forgive me. I didn't want you to find out this way. I need things to be alright." 

Harry's heart broke at Draco's soft whispers. The blonde was comforting him when Draco had been going through hell and Harry hadn't even noticed. Harry knew it was a risk for Draco to come see him the summer before fifth year, but he'd never asked if his father noticed. He didn't ask anything. He didn't even ask Draco how he was after not seeing him for two months, then he never asked during the whole of fifth year. 

_**Draco wants us to be alright?** _

_**How could this be alright ever again?** _

Suddenly, he heard Ron's voice, whispering: "I swear it, mione, the map says he's in there." 

Draco looked down at himself in horror, then ran and hid in a stall, the one furthest from the door. Harry took the hint and left the bathroom to assure Ron that he was alright, but his thought kept going back to Draco all night. 

_**Please forgive me** _


	18. What have I done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapters are short, but keep in mind, this year passed as a blur to Draco and he wasn't really there for most of it, so that made Harry too confused to be able to get moments with Draco. Even the guilt Harry feels will be short-lived. This is happening during the beginning of a war and Harry isn't too busy for Draco, but he caught on that there was a serious problem too late and Draco was gone before he could do anything. Anyway, I think the last chapter will wrap up the story pretty well and set up the transition for the second part even better.

The only thing Harry could feel at that moment was guilt. Horrible, painful guilt. He had done this. He wasn't paying Draco enough attention or any attention. It's not like his boyfriend was a child that needed tending, but Harry had promised, didn't he? He had sworn to Draco that he would be there, that he would help the blonde if he had any other bad thoughts. But, Harry fulfilled none of these promises. He had stayed in his miserable haze, completely silent and unhelpful. He knew the blonde's father was working for Voldemort and he hated Lucius for it, but he never gave a second thought about how it felt for Draco to have his father be… That. How Voldemort being in his family could cause his Draco so much hurt. How could he not have thought of it? 

It would've been better for Draco had the blonde not had a boyfriend at all at that point. Harry was taking all of the blonde's attention and giving him none. Harry was worrying Draco, pushing him away, being distant. Of course Draco would get worse. What was Harry thinking? He knew what made Draco upset and Harry seeming like he didn't want Draco anymore was Draco's worst nightmare. Harry made Draco live through his worst nightmare day after day, week after week, month after month, over and over and over again until the blonde snapped. 

And when Draco had finally come clean, Harry didn't even comfort the blonde. Instead, Draco comforted **him** , because Harry was too distraught to see past his own issues. 

_**Oh, Merlin, I am the worst person ever.** _

_**I need to find my Draco.** _

_**I need to make sure he's alright.** _

_**Will he ever be alright again?** _

_**He almost died the first time this happened.** _

_**He was thinking about killing himself…** _

_**Draco was already dangling off the edge when I found him.** _

_**Did I just push him off?** _

Harry started to pull at his hair, at his shirt, at everything. He couldn't sleep that night. He wished Draco's father hadn't gotten rid of the bracelet. He needed to speak to Draco now! But, he couldn't. He had to wait. And wait he did. Until lunch the next day, when he had found out that Draco cursed Katie Bell. He couldn't believe it. Not this. Not his Draco. They must be mistaken. They all must be mistaken. His Draco was sweet and kind and perfect. Draco cried when Harry stepped on a snail that was in the forbidden forest. Draco would never hurt another being. They were wrong. They had to be. 

He chased Draco through the castle, arriving at the bathroom just in time to see the blonde in an open stall, on his knees, sticking two fingers dangerously deep down in his throat, then gagging and throwing up the tiny bits of food he had just eaten. Harry's eyes filled with tears. He was shocked into silence. How had he not noticed that his Draco had gotten this bad? God, he was so selfish and self-centered! He only called out to Draco after the blonde washed his face in the sink and started to sib frantically. 

His Draco turned around, eyes wide and filled with horror at having been caught. Then, instantly, he just… changed. His eyes were cold and distant. His face was emotionless. He looked at Harry as if he was dirt underneath his shoe. And Harry knew, right then and there, that this was no longer his Draco. This was the same person who broke his nose, the same one who broke up with him in the chambers, the same one who hexed Katie. This wasn't Draco. This was the one killing his beloved blonde and He. Would. Pay. 

He doesn't remember much through his rage at seeing this person, but he does remember that he was about to cast an unforgivable at Harry and the brunette panicked, knowing he could easily lose his mind because of that curse, just like Draco had been broken by it. 

The spell had been on repeat in his head. It had been just…there and he was soo angry! This person was his enemy. This person took everything from him. This person destroyed his Draco. This person needed to pay. In his haste, he had somehow completely forgotten that his person and his Draco shared the same body and that whatever spell Harry casts would affect them both. He didn't realize that until he saw his Draco, not his enemy, moaning in agony on the ground, blood seeping through every wound Harry had caused. He had done that. 

"M'so sorry, my Harry. Love, I am so sorry. Please forgive me." he heard his Draco murmur and his heart sank. 

_**What did I just do?** _

_**What did I just do?** _

_**WHAT DID I JUST DO?!** _

Snape arrived before Harry could utter a single word, take a single step. He motioned for Harry to leave and Harry didn't need to be told twice. He didn't deserved to see Draco heal. He didn't deserve the blonde's apologies or even his love. He didn't deserve anything. He had just almost killed the most precious being in the world, even if everyone else thinks that person is dirt. 

He got to his dorm, closed the curtains, locking them and putting on silencing charms, then curling up on his side, tears streaming down his cheeks and screamed his soul out. 


	19. What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted

Draco never worried when his Slytherin roommates said he was always out all night. They had always winked at him with a smile when saying so. He found it weird, but it wasn't the weirdest thing he had heard from them, so he let it go. 

_Must've been sleep-walking_

He only started to worry when he noticed his glamour wasn't coming off. The potion he had created to make it go away or come back at will was tested thoroughly. He was sure he wasn't making it wrong. He was relieved when Harry didn't ask him to take it off, sure he would be furious at how many scars there were from fifth year and how thinner Draco had gotten since the Dark Lord came to live with them in the summer. 

If he explained that he cut because he felt Harry pulling away from him, Harry would only feel guilty. And he couldn't exactly just tell Harry in the middle of any conversation that he hadn't been eating well because the dark lord was discussing murdering people at the dinner table in the manor. 

Now, he had completely forgotten what he looked like, didn't know If the places he cuts in had other scars, and was completely unaware of how thin he had gotten. Deep down, he knew he had to ask Harry for help. He no longer knew how deep he cut. He only saw the blood seeping out, not the scars. He didn't feel the blade, either. If he cut too deep, lost too much blood… It would devastate his Harry. 

He has planned on telling Harry that day in the chambers, but Harry was in a mood and Draco loved it. He missed Harry's touch. They hadn't made love since fourth year. If he revealed anything before they took things further, it would ruin the mood completely. So he chose to keep quiet, wanting to satisfy Harry one last time. 

There was only one issue, though. Harry couldn't feel his glamour, and Draco couldn't feel anything at all. Harry's touch wouldn't affect him or his shaft and Harry would notice unless he was smart about it. Keeping the lights off was essential, but Harry insisted on keeping the candles. He wanted to see Draco. He didn't have the heart to say no, but he couldn't say yes, either. So, he started to cry, plagued by everything that had been happening to him since fourth year. Then, everything went completely dark and he only woke up when he was outside of the chambers and in the bathroom. 

He could hear Harry sobbing, but couldn't move to comfort the brunette. He was paralyzed with fear. 

_ What just happened? _

_ One minute, I am in the chambers, the next I am up here…  _

_ How?!  _

_ Why is Harry crying?  _

_ Am I sleep-walking while I am awake?  _

_ Is that even a thing?  _

_ Oh God, did I hurt Harry?  _

Draco was frantic when Harry emerged. He couldn't explain anything right. He was sure he wasn't making any sense, but he had told Harry. He told Harry about the Dark lord's residence in the manor. Then, he comforted Harry when the brunette broke down. Harry's mere presence comforted Draco. At least he wasn't alone. Maybe Harry didn't understand, but he still loved Draco. That was something. It was everything. 

Then, after he left, things went dark again. 

He had certain moments in the light, but most were irrelevant daily activities. Only one important one came to mind: Harry walking in on him purging. He was sure Harry despised him now but wasn't around enough to know the truth. He woke up in his bed a few days after Harry seeing him on his knees hugging the toilet. What the bloody hell happened to those days?! Did he sleep through them? 

_What is happening to me?_

He only knew he needed his Harry. He needed his Harry's comfort, his touch. He asked Harry to meet him at the top of the astronomy tower. He needed to tell Harry everything. About the blackouts and the strange scars all over his chest and the weird glamour that showed up out of the blue. It was all too much. He needed Harry to hold him and tell him everything would be alright. 

But Harry was a wreck when he showed up at the astronomy tower and Draco wanted nothing more than to comfort him. Harry seemed afraid to go anywhere near Draco. The blonde's heart split in two at Harry's frightened and disgusted expression. 

He decided to stay where he was and wait for Harry to explain. He wouldn't jump to conclusions. 

_ Harry isn't breaking up with me _

_ Is he?  _

_ Why?  _

_ Because he saw the real me?  _

_ Because I disgust him?  _

_ He said I didn't?  _

_ Is he mad about the cutting? The food? The vomiting? The dark lord?  _

_ What, Harry, what?!  _

"I am so sorry." Harry wailed, approaching Draco cautiously, his green eyes overflowing with desperate tears. "I am sorry for what I did to you for everything that happened in that bathroom."

Draco had no clue what he was talking about and couldn't bring himself to ask. Harry was feeling… guilty? But why? 

"I felt so bad..but you were... And I... I didn't know it would lead to that!"

_ What?!  _

_ No.  _

_ Don't say such things, Harry.  _

_ Don't…  _

_ Things were fine a second ago!  _

_ Well, they weren't fine, but everything will be fine.  _

_ Everything will be perfect if you stay with me.  _

_ Don't tell me our relationship was a mistake.  _

_ I know I disgusted you, but please give me another chance.  _

_ I'll be good.  _

_ I'll be good for you.  _

_ Please, tell me you love me.  _

_ Tell me we can still be together.  _

_ Tell me that you can stand to look at me after seeing me without my glamour.  _

_ Gods, tell me you bloody meant everything you said to me!!!  _

" So.. " he started, trying to keep his voice from breaking but failing, "You... Didn't mean it?"

"Of course I didn't!" Harry screamed and Draco's heart broke. "I am so sorry Draco. I hope we can find a way to at least still be friends?"

"Friends?" Draco mumbled to himself, mortified at the word, before quickly and frantically jumping up and running as fast as he could down the stairs and off the tower.

There it was. His confession. Harry pitied Draco. Harry never loved him. Harry had spent all this time with him out of discomfort at the thought of telling him he wanted to break up. Harry was humiliated by him.

_ I knew it!  _

_ How could you love me? _

_ How could I be so stupid as to think you did?  _

_ Why didn't I see this coming?  _

_ And I actually believed you when you were only being kind.  _

_ I knew someone perfect like you would never love someone as broken as me.  _

_ I wish you had lied for a little longer just to comfort me in my time of need.  _

_ God, I am pathetic. Father was right about everything…  _

He had to get away. He had to get as far away from Harry and his frantic calls as soon as possible. He couldn't do this anymore. He needed to end it all. He needed to end it now. He was going crazy. He just needed to get to his blade… 

But he couldn't because he felt his mind slipping into the darkness once more. 

He could hear cries of death eaters and a plea from Dumbledore. He was in a bad situation. He knew it. So, he fought the darkness, knowing something terrible was going on and he was powerless to stop it. He came to and saw a horrible sight. The snake. The tattoo. His forearm was maimed. It was black with ink and dark magic. It was taken from him without his consent. He looked at it in disgust and horror, wondering if this was just a horrible nightmare. He lowered his wand arm, not paying attention to why it was up in the first place. Then, all he saw was a green light, then snake taking him away. He couldn't fight. He was too shocked. He was disgusted with himself. Nothing made sense anymore. Was this some kind of prank? Harry was running towards them. Draco tried to reach out to his only comfort, his only home, but snape denied him the chance and attacked his Harry. Draco screamed, but it was too late. The darkness took him once more. 


	20. Nothing matters anymore

The whole year went by in a blur for Draco. Mostly because it wasn't him in his own body. He briefly remembered seeing Harry with a swollen face and his father suddenly demanding he name him. 

He felt a force whispering in his head, telling him to say it was Harry, even though he didn't know whether that was true. How could he not know? Draco struggled to see through the cloud in front of his eyes and succeeded, coming face to face with his ex-lover's eyes. His Harry. This was him. He was sure of it. And he was positive that every inch of Harry was begging Draco not to name him. 

_ 'Do it. Do it. Do it' _

_ No!  _

_ I can't do it.  _

_ 'This is Potter. Say it!'  _

_ I can't…  _

_ 'You will obey me! Don't fight me.'  _

_ What will you do to him?  _

_ 'Give him to the Dark Lord. Then, our honor will be restored.'  _

_ No!  _

_ Get out of here  _

_ W-who are you?  _

…

"I can't be sure." he whispered, looking his Harry right in the eye. Harry looked surprised to hear his answer. It broke Draco's heart and he had to choke back a sob. 

_ How? How can you be this shocked?  _

_ Did you think I would betray you?  _

_ Did you think I would just hand you over?  _

_ Let them kill you?  _

_ How could you think that?  _

_ I know things haven't been the same.  _

_ I know I might be acting crazy.  _

_ It's only temporary… I-I think.  _

_ Either way, I would never betray you Harry!!  _

_ Or maybe I have so far…  _

_ I don't even know that.  _

_ What's happening to me?  _

Darkness enveloped him once more as he watched them take his Harry and throw him in the dungeon, screaming internally for them to just **stop**! 

* * *

The second time he felt himself returning to his own body, he was somewhere really hot. The blonde tried to breathe and calm himself down, tell himself he was in another nightmare, but that particular nightmare felt too real. He looked down to see fire rising to claim him and Crabbe fall to his death. 

_ Just a nightmare…  _

_ Just a nightmare…  _

He squeaked once reaching the end of the growing pile, feeling the flames get closer and closer. Then, his Harry was grabbing him. His Harry was saving him, even though Draco let go of his hand, begging him silently to leave the Blonde and save himself. Nothing could happen to Harry, even in a silly nightmare. But the nightmare turned worse. He had been underneath Harry, who crashed on top of him. He felt Harry's warmth, even if he was being squashed. He never wanted to move again. But Harry did. He stood up, ran, and left Draco without so much as a second glance. The blonde sank back into the darkness. 

* * *

By the third time Draco woke up, he was convinced that this wasn't some sick prank or a never-ending nightmare. He couldn't have imagined the fire, the chaotic surroundings, his parents' disappointed faces, Harry's hurt expression, and the man without a nose whose orders Draco was apparently supposed to follow. Everything was too real. Who was the blonde kidding? He was living normally, but blocking out the actions that he didn't want to admit to doing. He was blocking out the chaos he was creating. 

Nothing could've convinced him more than the fact that he didn't wake up peacefully and normally. This time, Draco had to force his way out of whatever state his psyche put him under to protect his innocence. His emotions were the most powerful yet, and he didn't want to acknowledge why. He didn't want any of it to be real. No. None of it can be real. Then… Nothing would be worth anything anymore. Then, these people had nothing left to believe in. 

Draco had no one who loved him. Draco loved and can never love again. Nothing would matter anymore if this was real. And, sadly, it was. Draco realized he was staring at the body of his Harry, hearing the screams of the she-weasel in horror at the scene. But, Draco, himself, was screaming silently, tears streaming down his cheek. He had missed the entire last year he could've spent with His Harry. Instead, he wasted all his energy doing things that would lead to Harry being dead. This was all Draco's fault. Draco was a monster. 

He was barely conscious when Harry came back, still reeling from being hugged by the monster that killed his Harry. He had to walk over to the other side, he **needed** to be close to Harry, even if the brunette's soul was no longer there. He barely had time to think before throwing Harry his wand, thus ensuring that the light side wins. His last memory was Harry looking back at him in shock, then the world went dark again, and so did he. 

* * *

The fourth and final time that Draco woke up was a split-second after his parents' wands were broken. He never saw them again and it was his turn to be judged for his actions. Sitting there, face in hand, Draco listened to every horrid act he had committed. He looked at the floor as countless witnesses placed him at the scene where others were killed and they were being raped, tortured, cruicoed. They all said the same: Draco was either laughing viciously or doing nothing. Others were worse, even. They recounted in vivid details how Draco tortured them with an unforgivable or delivered dark and threatening 'messages' from the dark lord that often left victims in tears. Students told everyone how Draco let death eaters into the school and, finally, how he was indirectly responsible for the murder of Albus Dumbledore. 

Draco pulled his face back and looked down at his hands. 

_ Treacherous Hands!  _

_ Treacherous mouth!  _

_ Treacherous conscious!  _

_ Treacherous soul…  _

Draco heard every kind word Harry had said about him. He listened as Harry outlined all the ways Draco helped him win the war. He never looked up. The blonde hated him for what he said. Why was he saying any of that? Draco didn't deserve such kindness. Had Harry not heard what the blonde had done? Does he not care? 

_ How could you not hate me?  _

_I hate me._

He remained in his shock, looking at the floor, while Harry argued relentlessly about how Draco should be allowed in the Wizarding world. The blonde didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. Harry shouldn't be fighting for him. He was nothing. Less than nothing. Draco was garbage. He had tortured and even killed people. 

_Why the hell are you fighting for me, Harry?_

After a particularly loud and inappropriate statement from Harry, Draco found himself being dragged out of there by force, though the hand on his arm was gentle. He didn't fight. He didn't look up. He didn't care. 

_ I hope you're a victim.  _

_ I hope you punish me _

_ Cut me open.  _

_ Take a limb or two.  _

_ I deserve it.  _

_ I am garbage.  _

_ PLEASE!! _

_ A hand on his chin forced him to look up into kind, green eyes. Harry was smiling. SMILING! Why was Harry smiling at utter filth?!  _

"It's going to be alright, Draco. You're going to be alright. We can work it out when we get home." Harry told him soothingly. His voice was so soft, so kind, so loving. So **wrong**. Draco didn't deserve this. Why couldn't Harry see that?! Draco was nothing. He wasn't worth the dust underneath Harry's shoe, yet Harry was looking at him as if the entire world wouldn't amount to Draco. 

Draco couldn't take it. He couldn't take any of it. He… he was a monster. If Harry couldn't see that then his perfect Harry needed help. Draco needed to bloody leave the place and never come back. He needed to die. He was that selfish. He couldn't stay and suffer for his sins. He couldn't suffer anymore, even if he deserved it. 

Draco yanked his arm from Harry's grip violently, then sent a glare his ex-lover's way. Harry needed to understand how horrible Draco was. Harry wasn't well. Harry still thought Draco was a good person. 

_ My poor Harry _

_ Always trying to see the best in people  _

_ There is truly nothing good in me, love…  _

_ You need to accept that.  _

_ The war is over apparently.  _

_ Don't keep fighting it for someone who is worth less than nothing.  _

"I am not going with you." he said firmly, looking over Harry's shoulder. He couldn't bear to see the hurt look in Harry's eyes. 

"W-what?" He asked shakily, trying to take Draco's hand. The blonde pulled it out of the way just in time. He stayed silent, waiting for Harry to leave so Draco could find the nearest place and end it for good this time. 

_ There's nothing left.  _

_ Even father…  _

_ He died hating me.  _

_ I wish mother had had another son.  _

_ An heir they could've been proud of.  _

_ How is it that I did everything wrong just to appease them, but wound up disappointing them and ruining their lives in the process.  _

_ I must be the world's biggest failure.  _

_ They'll write stories about me.  _

"where are you going to go?" Harry asked, pulling at his hair, though he looked like he was barely restraining himself from touching Draco. Draco tried to look calmly at Harry. He needed Harry to leave. The blonde was feeling his walls coming down. He couldn't have Harry hold and comfort him, now. It would feel too good. He might even be convinced to stay. He didn't want that. He needed to pay! He didn't deserve to stay with Harry forever. 

"You've done enough, Potter." Draco told him, keeping his voice steady as ever, although his heart was breaking. He just couldn't understand how his perfect Harry could want to be with such a monster. "I would've been in Azkaban if it weren't for your words. I offer my gratitude and a life debt whenever you wish to collect it."

_ Although I hope you don't.  _

_ I am going to be gone.  _

_ I have nothing to offer you.  _

_ I need you to forget about me, Harry.  _

_ I am so bad for you.  _

_ You've been miserable for years because of me.  _

_ And I don't deserve you.  _

_ You'll wake up one day to realize you're with a monster.  _

_ You'll hate yourself and you'll hate me.  _

_ You can't.  _

_ You need to move on.  _

_ Please! _

"Are you daft?" Harry yelled at him, then winced when Draco flinched. "They've emptied out your vaults. They've taken the manor. Your parents were sentenced to the kiss. They took away your wand. You have nothing!"

Draco stared at him for a second before nodding slowly. 

"I am quite aware. I was in the courtroom as well, you know?" he said, then quietly mumbled "I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters."

Harry suddenly looked mortified and frantically reached out his hand to Draco only to have the blonde step back.

"Draco.." he started soothingly and the blonde broke. He started to cry. He didn't want to leave Harry. Not before. Not then. Not ever. How could he stay? How could he do that to his Harry? How could he allow Harry to be berated and cursed for being with a death eater? How could he live with himself for living off of Harry forever? He was the reason Harry almost died. And what if he had another breakdown? What if he kills Harry in his sleep? What if he's crazy and was planning on harming Harry in some secret corner of his mind. The same corner that was planning things for Voldemort. No. No. He couldn't trust himself with Harry. Harry deserved better. Harry was perfect. Harry would understand in time and find someone else. Draco needed to end this chaos once and for all. Reporters crowded against Harry asking him about his testimony and Draco took it as a chance to flee. He arrived at knockturn and hitched a ride to the muggle world, where he spent two weeks on the streets. 

He finally found the perfect tool. An old, raggedy, Glass shard, with a clean side. He moved to an alley beside a hospital, hoping they could use his organs to save muggles. It was the least he could do to repay them for what he had done. In one swift move, he cut down from his wrist to his elbow, straight through the dark mark, and was once again enveloped by darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of the first part! Hope you liked it! Pleasant surprise/ obvious fact: the whole second part is up and has been since the first part was even a thing, so if you're interested in what happens next it's there. Thanks for sticking by the story and for all the comments, kudos, and such. They really do make my day.


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